- Now, I don't want you guys leaving here thinking
I hate men.
I want you leaving here knowing it for sure.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And you know, usually, I feel like I need to justify
that further, but you read the news, you get it.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
I moved here recently.
I moved from San Francisco.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
A lot of times when I tell people I'm from San Francisco,
the response is the same.
It's always, "Oh, San Francisco.
That's a nice city, but pretty gay, right?"
(audience laughing)
And I understand why people think that.
I don't understand why they say it out loud.
(audience laughing)
Here's the thing though.
I've looked up the statistics
and San Francisco is only 25% gay.
So that's one out of every four people.
So that's like saying, "Oh, you like The Beatles?
Yeah, they're pretty good.
But why are they all Ringo?
(audience laughing)
It just feels like everyone
of them is just Ringo, Ringo, Ringo.
They're so in-your-face about it."
(audience laughing)
I'm not a lesbian.
I know I have to say that in order for people to know it.
(audience laughing)
But I consider myself an ally, and I've noticed
that there are a lot of ways in which gay men
and gay women are treated very differently by society.
A lot of times when people do impressions of gay men,
there's a very specific voice that they use.
It's almost like an accent or a cadence, a gaydence,
if you would.
(audience laughing)
But there's no such voice for lesbians.
There's no lesbian accent.
And I think that's weird.
And I think it's unfair.
(audience laughing)
I think there needs to be one.
And I've been thinking about it.
I think, hear me out.
I think it should be a really bad fake French accent.
(audience laughing)
Because how great would that be
if one day your teenage daughter sat you down
and was just like, "Mom, dad, I have something to tell you.
(audience laughing)
This is just who I've always been.
(audience laughing)
I was born this way.
(audience laughing)
You did nothing wrong.
I want you to be happy for me.
(audience laughing)
I am just, how you say?
Very hungry for the lady carpet.
(audience laughing)
Lady carpet?"
I guess, if I had to change one thing about my body,
it would definitely be my brain.
(audience laughing)
Just start over with a new one, this one's toast.
My brain is like a radio DJ who does not take requests.
(audience laughing)
It'll be like, "Coming up next, we got a full hour
of just the first verse of Mambo Number Five,
(audience laughing)
followed by an imaginary argument with someone you love.
The greatest hits of your mistakes
from the nineties, 2000s, and today.
(audience laughing)
After that, we've got another full hour
of just the first verse of Mambo Number Five."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, I know how it works too,
but I'll still try.
I'll call up, I'll be like, "Hey, long time listener.
Yeah, I was just wondering
if you could play silence
for like an hour.
There's this article about Syria I've been trying
to read for a month, and you won't let me get through it.
So if you could just play silence
for an hour dedicated to me."
(audience laughing)
"We don't have that one,
but we do have a hundred pressing questions
about your ex's new girlfriend.
Let's go to her Facebook page.
(audience laughing)
After that, we've got a full hour
of I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston."
(audience laughing)
"Oh, I actually really like that song.
Quick question, could we get the lyrics?"
"We don't have the lyrics.
(audience laughing)
It's gonna be just the melody again
and I think you know that."
I am in therapy, anyone else in therapy?
(audience cheering)
Yeah!
Some people here know they're not perfect.
A few of you in deep denial.
(audience laughing)
I think everyone should be in therapy.
Everyone should be in therapy.
Don't do it for yourself.
Do it for your friends.
(audience cheering)
They don't wanna hear that shit anymore.
(audience laughing)
If you think you don't need therapy,
here's what I want you to do.
Tell your best friend that you are thinking about it,
see how relieved they look.
(audience laughing)
That's all I'm saying.
You don't have to be on the brink of despair
to go into therapy.
I'm a pretty happy person.
Sometimes I think I'm depressed,
but then usually, I just need to take my bra off.
(audience laughing)
It's like, "Oh, that's what that was."
(audience laughing)
I'm a happy person in therapy, which I recommend,
because I walk in there confident.
I walk in there with the confidence
that I imagine people who floss have when they go
to the dentist.
(audience laughing)
I'm speculating.
Just like, "We're probably not gonna find anything,
but let's take a look, huh?"
(audience laughing)
I don't think I'm going to therapy to get better
so much as I am just waiting for the day
when my therapist tells me I'm her favorite client.
(audience laughing)
That's all I want.
I just wanna show up one day and have her say,
"Listen, I can't take your money anymore.
Do you wanna just hang out?
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you about my other patients
as your prize for being the least crazy."
I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm trying real hard.
I'm sucking up, I do all the good therapy things.
I cry every week
(audience laughing)
right at the beginning
just to let her know I mean business,
I came here to work. (audience laughing)
Crying is the best thing you can do in therapy
and I do it every week, right at the top.
That's like starting a song with a guitar solo.
(audience laughing)
It's the Carlos Santana Smooth of therapy moves,
(audience cheering)
featuring Rob Thomas.
And yeah, that's an old reference,
but write a song that rocks harder and I'll update it.
(audience laughing and cheering)
I really thought I was nailing it
and then a friend of mine told me
that she made her therapist cry recently.
(audience laughing)
I know!
I was like, "Fuck, I gotta step it up."
(audience laughing)
I am a feminist.
(audience cheering)
This is the first time in my life anyone has ever clapped
when I said that.
(audience laughing)
Seriously, feminism is not very popular right now outside
of this room.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if you know that.
Feminism is not very popular, I think,
because feminism is not very fun.
(audience laughing)
We have a bit of a recruiting problem right now.
(audience laughing)
Misogyny is very easy to recruit for.
All you have to do is be like, "Hey, do you like boobs?
Come with me, I know a place.
(audience laughing)
Oh, they're gonna show them to us."
A feminist can't make that offer.
It's more like, "Hey, do you like boobs?
Well, I'm not gonna show you mine,
but I have written a poem about their power."
(audience laughing)
I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage,
mostly to remain lazy and disgusting,
(audience laughing)
because for a while I stopped shaving my legs
and someone said to me, "What are you, a feminist?"
And I said,
(audience laughing)
"Would that explain it?"
(Emily chuckling)
And it did, it totally did.
And things kinda spiral outta control from there.
(audience laughing)
'Cause it turns out there's a lot you can get away with
as a feminist that mortal women cannot.
(audience laughing)
Like my boss called me into his office the other day
and he was like, "Emily, I noticed you haven't showered
in a while."
(audience laughing)
And I was just like, "Yeah, I'm just trying
to preserve mother earth.
What are you doing?"
(audience laughing)
He was like, "Are you sure
you didn't just sleep through your alarm
and rush to work again?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Pssh, what makes you say that?"
He said, "You're wearing pajamas."
(audience laughing)
So I said, "I suppose you'd prefer something
a little more low cut?"
(audience laughing)
And he gave me a raise.
(audience laughing)
I live in LA now, I'm in my car all the time,
so I listen to the radio because I'm trapped.
And it turns out my favorite station is
the nineties hip hop station.
Who would've thought?
Yeah, I love it. (audience cheering)
93.5 KDAY, it's the best.
I love it.
I love hip hop.
Here's the thing though.
I am a woman, thank you for noticing.
(audience laughing)
And sometimes in hip hop,
they talk about us like we can't hear them.
I don't know if you've noticed that.
It's like, "Oof, that was rude.
You know you're in the booth right now?"
(audience laughing)
But I don't wanna stop listening 'cause it's good music,
so here's what I've been doing.
I have just been pretending
they're talking about something else.
I just willfully misconstrue the lyrics.
Like when Juvenile's like, "Girl, you look good.
Why don't you back that thing up?"
I'm like, "He's probably talking
about her hard drive, right?
(audience laughing)
She should back that up.
She's got a lot of important work files on there.
He doesn't want her to lose them
because he cares about her career.
That's not juvenile at all.
(audience cheering)
That's very mature."
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
When Snoop's like, "Bitches ain't shit."
I'm like, "You're right, they're not shit,
they're valuable members of society.
(audience laughing)
I am gonna take that double negative,
turn it into a double positive.
Thank you very much."
"I've got hoes in different area codes."
"My gardening business is taking off.
(audience laughing)
We are expanding, multiple counties."
I don't wanna be a mom, is that clear?
(audience laughing)
I don't wanna be a mom.
I do really want to be a grandma though.
Is there a way I can make that happen?
Do I need to adopt a pregnant teenager?
Put me on the list.
I just feel like being a grandma is the only way
I'm ever gonna be considered cool.
I'm not cool now, I shush people for fun.
(audience laughing)
I love rules.
I love bedtime.
I don't really go to parties, when I do,
I smoke a little bit of pot, I go home at nine.
But here's the thing.
If you're a grandma and you do that,
that's pretty cool, right?
(audience laughing)
That's a cool grandma.
You see what I'm saying?
That's a low bar.
I can clear that bar.
(audience laughing)
That rule doesn't apply to moms though.
It's a double standard.
If you're at a party and a mom starts rapping,
(audience laughing)
everybody's like, "Shut up, mom!"
But if a grandma starts rapping, you're like,
"Oh, shit!
(audience laughing)
That's about to pop off!"
It's not fair.
If you are a mom, you're not allowed to just quit your job
and cover your body in tattoos and drop a bunch
of Molly and go on a fuck rampage across Italy.
(audience laughing)
But if you're a grandma and you do that,
you get a book deal.
(audience laughing)
How is that fair?
A mom gets arrested.
A grandma, Helen Mirren plays her in the movie.
(audience laughing)
What kind of fucked up curse is that where like,
not until your kid has a kid
do you get to do cool shit, right?
No wonder your parents want you
to give them grandkids so badly.
(audience laughing)
No wonder they love those grandkids more
than their own children.
They're the ones who broke the curse
(audience laughing)
and set them free to go fuck Italian guys.
(audience laughing)
Tell you a little bit about me,
I was not a very cool kid growing up.
I'm not a cool adult, it just doesn't matter anymore.
(audience laughing)
A lot of people assume I was a nerd growing up,
which is offensive, unfair, untrue.
I was not a nerd.
Nerds had other nerds to play Dungeons and Dragons with,
(audience laughing)
people to hang out with.
I was a spazzy weirdo, we are our own thing.
(audience laughing)
Kind of the bad boys of the general loser community.
(audience laughing)
All of the alienation, none of the brains.
I couldn't find anyone that was
into the stuff I was into as a kid.
I'll give you an example.
When I was 11, my dad made me scrambled eggs
for breakfast one morning and I said, "This is amazing.
What's in this?"
And he said, "Oregano."
So naturally, I took a small tub
of oregano and I taped a string to it,
and I wore it as a necklace
(audience laughing)
every day to school
for three months.
(audience laughing)
And because I'm from San Francisco,
my parents just let me do that.
(audience laughing)
They were just like, "Go on out into the world, be free,
follow your heart.
Who are we to stop you?"
(audience applauding)
Who are you to stop me?
You're actually the only people who can.
(audience laughing)
It's kind of part of your job, right?
Just to give me a once-over before I leave the house,
make sure there's no trash dangling from my body.
(audience laughing)
You're dropping the ball.
I was like, "This is cool, right?
I'm the oregano girl now.
(audience laughing)
You all better pick a spice
because oregano is spoken for."
(audience laughing)
I think what I'm trying to say is
it took me a really long time to lose my virginity.
(audience laughing)
That's the point of that story, I think.
I know I need to work out more than the zero I have been.
(audience laughing)
It's very hard for me to motivate though, because as soon
as I put on workout clothes, I feel done.
(audience laughing)
Like, I'm already cosplaying as an exerciser.
(audience laughing)
I don't need to take the fantasy any further than that.
(audience laughing)
You know?
The only reason why I wanna work out is
so my pants will fit.
If you get me in spandex, we did it.
(audience laughing)
Mission accomplished.
Plus, once I'm wearing workout clothes,
I never wanna leave the house
'cause I know how I look in them, it's an indoor look.
Don't get me wrong.
I know I have a beautiful body.
I just kind of think only fit people can look good
in workout clothes.
It's a broken system.
There's no way in for me.
(audience laughing)
And it's not because they're hotter than me,
we all know they aren't.
It's just that only fit people look self-actualized
when they're wearing workout clothes.
You see a fit person in workout clothes, you think,
"Oh, she's doing what she wants to do with her life."
You see me in workout clothes and it's just like,
"Oh, someone had a talk with her."
(audience laughing)
Probably a doctor.
(audience laughing)
Every day is January 2nd for me in workout clothes.
I cannot look like I'm having a good time.
(audience laughing)
And I don't like the idea that someone might be looking
at me wearing them, thinking like,
"Oh, she's trying to better herself."
So that's why when I do work out,
I just wear a hospital gown.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I don't want people to think
that I'm trying to better myself.
I want them to think I'm already beating the odds.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)