Conan O'Brien: Thank you.
Thank you.
Please remain seated.
That is not necessary.
[applause] [laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that wouldn’t be right.
Good evening, thank you, Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press
and Bon Jovi.
Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the President.
When you think about it, the President and I are a lot alike.
We both went to Harvard, we both have two children and we both told Joe Biden we did
not have extra tickets for tonight event.
We also have something else in common, I too recently got in hot water for talking about
a public official’s good looks.
It was when time I would not shut up about that stone cold fox, Secretary of Transportation
Ray Lahood.
Oh, man.
I like the cut of his jib.
Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had some great jokes.
It was a pleasure watching you stand here and do what I do.
Now it is only fair that I get to do what you do.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I will be mired in intense
dysfunctional standoff with congress.
This is going to be fun.
Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate the President on his re-election.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
As you all know, he is hard at work creating jobs.
Since he was first selected, the number of popes has doubled.
And the number of tonight show hosts has tripled.
Congratulations.
And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate President George W. Bush on big dedication
of his Presidential library.
Yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents and if you go, you can be the
first to read them.
You can’t hurt me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going.
Right here at the start I am going to share something with you people and it does not
leave this room.
I say this with absolute confidence, because we are on C- Span.
Who doesn’t love C-SPAN, seriously?
C-SPAN.
It’s an entire channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer.
Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the bid to broadcast this event.
They narrowly beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and the Hilton Hotel how to check
out channel.
That’s right, the Hilton.
It is great to be here at the Hilton.
Is it just me or is it time to stop using Priceline to book this event?
No, I really love the Hilton.
I love their motto, sorry the Radisson was booked.
I was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a
less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton.
Then I was told that was not possible.
I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us.
They were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar.
By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that has been moved
to salon ‘B’ on the mezzanine.
And if Joe Biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either.
Quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live
tweeting this event, please use the #incapable oflivinginthemoment.
[laughter] yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, Yes.
Also, to any U.S. Senators here tonight, if you would like to switch your dessert or your
position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter.
By the way Speaking of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and filet mignon.
Or as CNN reported, lasagna and couscous.
There is a gavel here, and I don’t know why.
[gavel pounds]
Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food, everything you it was personally shot by Wayne
Lapierre.
Don’t worry it was during a home invasion.
The fish came in through the window.
It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen.
Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive Vice President
of the NRA.
Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual President
of the NRA?
He is not even at the top.
Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with
the seating chart.
For a moment, someone accidentally sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans.
That was awkward, and I apologize.
Very awkward.
But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had a chance to mingle, you probably saw me.
I worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500
million.
They will buy anything.
(ah ha ha ha ha ha)
It is an absolute joy to be her at the White House correspondents dinner.
Last year, Tom Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and A-list
celebrities.
When I told him I would be attending this year, he said, that’s more like it.
That should not be funny to you.
But this is really a star- studded event.
this year, you have taken it to new heights.
I have to congratulate you.
New heights!
Because you have some of the guy from duck dynasty is here – duck dynasty.
Which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no.
I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong.
I really don’t think the whistle — all my god, it works.
It’s incredible.
He is here.
I always hated that one.
As some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event.
I was 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed since then.
Today you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to
fit in the palm of your hand.
Back in 1995, we called that George Stephanopoulos.
I can see if George is here because there is a crouton in the way.
It is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years.
Think about it.
If in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would have an African- American President with a
middle name Hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I
would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.
By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do congratulate you on your victory, but as a
late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the
Olympics.
The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades.
I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now.
Then, my opening line will be, [speaking spanish] Si.
Especialmente, Presidente Mario Lopez.
But, my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work.
If the President laughs, everyone laughs.
If the Fox News table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.
How are you doing, Bill?
Yes, all the Washington news media are here tonight, including the stars of online journalism.
I did the Huffington post has a table.
Which has me wondering, if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s latest nip slip?
Who is assembling today’s top 25 yogurt related tweets?
Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed
our yourselves.
By the way, just before dinner, I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but
she made me watch a 32 second ad first.
— 30-second ad first.
Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make
it.
Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.
Of course, the Washington print media is also joining us this evening.
The print media are here for two very good reasons.
food and shelter.
You know, how are you, you know, some people say print media is dying, but I don’t believe
it.
Neither does my blacksmith.
You have got to meet Zachariah, he is great.
Man, rough year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue.
Yeah.
Time magazine might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t, because Time will outlive
Newsweek a way Juliett outlived Romeo.
Read the play, it is very smart.
Things are so tough for old media, Reuters – (this is a true story) Reuters is having
its after party right here at the Hilton.
Because nothing says we are having a great here like having your after party at the same
table where you just had dinner.
With that in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom
of the glass.
And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward.
Got to give it up for Bob Woodward.
[applause] Earlier this evening, a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and
he said, Stop threatening me!
Also tonight, some big names in television news.
When it comes to television news, we have a divided landscape.
Fox news is watched by conservatives, MSNBC watched by liberals and CNN is watched by
people who clean the offices at CNN.
[laughter] [oohs] Oh, it gets worst.
CNN’s ratings are so low, now when it comes up, James Earl Jones says, you are watching
CNN?
what the hell?
I have to say, in the past two years, CNN has made some odd moves.
It replaced the — popular Larry King with one of the scheming footman from “Downton
Abbey.”
it is good to see my old friends at MSNBC.
Chris Matthews is here.
Chris Matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the
spittle off the lens.
By the way, during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped
a pundit from speculating on on fire side — unverified information.
There is no joke here.
I’m just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that.
This is a learning experience.
Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill has become quite the author.
He’s had two recent bestsellers, ” Killing Kennedy” and “killing Lincoln.”
He also wrote a book that wasn’t as nearly as popular – the Natural Peaceful Death
of Taft.
What were you thinking.
The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is true) is now working on his next book, due
out this fall, this time about the killing of Jesus.
It will be the first time in history Jesus’s death is blamed on Obamacare.
Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR.
PBS — yes! [applause] Those people love to party.
Guys if you get lucky tonight – Be safe, where a tote bag.
It works.
You have got to love NPR.
Still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping in the next
room.
Shh!
NBC NEWS is in the house.
They have had a rough go of it.
The Today Show let go of Ann Curry.
After being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted answer the
White House and I am getting fired?
Al is the reason there are no more tours of the White House, they’re still hosing it
down.
Brian Williams is here.
Brian – I am a big fan of your show.
Rock Center with Brian Williams – If you haven’t seen it, imagine brand delivering
the evening news on a different floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly
different tie.
It is a mind blower.
You gotta check it out.
As I look all around the room, I see all the media here tonight, I realize this is one
big high school cafeteria.
That is all it is.
Think about it.
Fox is the jocks.
MSNBC is the nerds.
Bloggers are the Goths.
NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
[laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to.
And print media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash.
Ya, cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to you.
Of course, probably the biggest or that people covered this past year was the Republicans
failure to recapture the White House.
Hard to believe they did not fare better with this port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and
Meatloaf.
They underestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans.
The republican party’s on the mend.
One rising star on the right is Senator Marco Rubio.
Or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy.
Ya.
By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate has a record number of African- american senators.
Two.
In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the senate and in a Mumford and Sons concert.
Thank you, younger people.
Paul Ryan — I don’t understand!
What’s he babbling about?
Who is this man?
Paul Ryan recently — he really burst through when he ran or Vice President.
After the election, Ryan said President Obama was reelected because of the high turnout
of urban voters.
When he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
Well there is RNC chairman writes previous — Reince Priebus.
Tonight he is sitting between his brothers lather and repeat.
House majority leader Eric Cantor is here.
Or as I like to refer to him, yet another Jewish Republican from the south — Get sold.
That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman from New York named Steve Israel.
He is from New York and his name is Israel.
Now, there is pandering, and then there is pandering.
That is like having a Congressman from South Carolina named Jesus H.Gun – my name is
Jesus – Jesus H. Gun.
You’ve got to use this thing, it is fantastic.
[Gavel Pounds]
I mentioned Chris Christie earlier, governor Christie and Shaquille O’neal are sitting
at the same dinner table.
So, let’s give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter.
That poor bastard is gonna lose an arm.
And I believe we have one or two supreme court justices here.
The supreme court seems divided over same-sex marriage.
The liberal justices favorite it while the conservatives oppose any life long union between
two men, unless it is Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.
What the hell was that?
There’s no surprise, Speaker John Boehner is not here tonight.
Speaker banner and President Obama are still struggling to get along.
President Obama and John Boehner, are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper
and Rachel Maddow.
In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep
down, you know nothing’s ever gonna happen.
[Gavel Pounds] [Gavel Pounds] Speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping of course
that nothing happens with North Korea.
And that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong-un?
In the past, we have had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussain and Hitler.
Now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like Rosie O’donnell at
the Emmys.
Kim Jong-un does not understand that we aren’t afraid of him.
What that guy doesn’t get is that we already have an unstable peninsula
that will ultimately bring down america.
It is called Florida.
Yes it is.
Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate right now.
But he is at the very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about
him.
We all know that he lived in Indonesia as a child, studied at a Muslim seminary and
occasionally ate dog.
From the beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the U.S. Presidency.
Check, and check.
Here I come.
I know the relationship between the President and the press can seem a bit strained at times.
Some in this room have accused him of being distant and aloof.
When I asked the President about it earlier, he said, oh, and then walked away.
Of course it is only natural, but Mr. President election was less exciting than the first
time around in 2008.
An election night on 2008, you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in Chicago’s
Grant park.
It was fascinating.
This time around, you split the Char-dog with David Axelrod at the wiener circle.
It just did not have the same buzz.
And by the way I have a question.
And I think some of you also have this question.
It has been several months since you were reelected, so I am curious, why are you still
sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money?
You won.
Do you have a gambling problem we don’t know about?
Did you put it all on Gonzaga?
You did, didn’t you?
He did.
[gavel pounds]
President Obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term.
You recently, Sir, you recently appointed John Kerry and Chuck Hagel.
Very smart moves.
You appointed the only two people in the United States who look even more tired than you.
A great strategy.
Mr. President, you will leave office as a very young man.
And yet the Presidency has taken it’s toll.
I don’t want to alarm you sir, but you are starting to look like a judge on “Law and
Order.”
Just say, you are on thin ice, counselor.
You could have that part right away.
Seriously, Mr. President, your hair is so white, it could be a member of your cabinet.
He can handle it.
Speaking of the Cabinent, the President, he recently picked the new treasury secretary,
Jack Lew.
If the President ever has to let him go, he can say, it is not Lew, it’s me.
But the quote a city must but the President is that he is always the coolest guy in the
room.
That is what everyone says.
He is the coolest guy in the room.
Here is my question.
Who else is in that room?
It is not hard to be the cool one when the other guys in the room are Biden, Hagel, and
Kerry.
I would be cool to if I was in a room where Tom Vilsack is showing Steven Chu how to do
the Harlem Shake.
Now, I have made some jokes about the President this evening.
Now, I am looking forward to my audit.
President Obama: It’s coming.
Conan O'Brien: It is coming.
I know, sir, It’s coming.
But, I would like to take a moment here and change gears and say some into the President.
Regarding the events of the past two weeks.
Some of you may not know this.
I grew up in Boston.
My parents still live there.
My brother, Luke, raised his family in Watertown.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank, you Mr. President, for visiting that great
city and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words.
It’s made a huge difference.
It has been said recently that you don’t mess with Boston.
As someone who grew up there, I would like to echo that sentiment.
It is really pretty simple.
If you’re going to pick on a city, don’t choose one where nine out of 10 people are
related to a cop.
Don’t do it.
It’s stupid.
And that includes myself.
I have one more thing to mention before I go.
Everyone is obsessed with Washington these days.
You all saw how you went crazy for “house of cards” “homeland”, Hollywood can’t
get enough of your world.
Well, tonight, I’m excited to announce that they are going to make a television miniseries
about the power players here in Washington.
They just finished the casting, and I would like to announce who is going to play who.
This is big.
Vice President Joe Biden is going to be played by Bob Barker.
Former White House adviser David Axelrod will be played by Higgins from Magnum P.I.
This was also produced by Steven Spielberg, by the way.
Representative Paul Ryan will be played by Mr. Bean.
Senator Chuck Schumer will be played by Grandpa Munster.
Senator Harry Reid will be played by the old man from the American Gothic painting.
Fox news Ceo Roger Ailes will be played by Boss Hog, we signed the deal.
Speaker of the House John Banner will be played by TAN-MOM.
Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will be played by Paul Giamatti.
Former White House Chief of Staff and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel will be played by Stewie
from “Family Guy.”
Secretary of State John Kerry will be played by any Easter island head.
I cannot tell those two apart.
Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts will be played by Buzz Light Year.
Senator Mitch Mcconnell will be played by Dame Edna.
CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer will be played by a Furby.
NRA executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre will be played by the face melt guy from The
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
And finally, White House press secretary Jay Carney will be played by Ralphie from “a
Christmas story.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor.
Thank you very much.