Here we are, fucking fan favourite: Trials HD.
I know it's a good game,
I'm not saying it's not a good game.
At most, everyone will agree it's a great game.
WHY AM I SO TERRIBLE AT IT?
All it is, is the left trigger, the right trigger,
and fucking, the directionals!
That's it!
Okay, I've a thousand hard games,
I have a thousand games like Batman Arkham Asylum.
Some of those combat challenges were hard as shit.
Okay, I have a thousand prototypes,
more hard as shit challenges.
I've got plenty of achievements for hard shit.
Oh, I'm fucking Batman?
I got fucking, you know,
fucking thirty guys beating the shit out of me?
And they got guns, and they're throwing shit at me,
and I'm timed, and the floor's gonna electrocute me?
No fucking problem.
Can I drive a motorcycle up a hill?
Beep, beep, beep.
No, I can't fucking can't.
I die OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
And this ASSHOLE IneptStatue, SON OF A BITCH,
on my friends list, who's also in this party RIGHT NOW,
is a fucking asshole.
I- I fucking kick the SHIT out of him in gamer score,
he constantly talks shit about gamer score,
I've got WAY more than him,
and he SUCKS at practically everything he does,
he's like an idiot savant in this game!
HE'S GOT THE GOD DAMN MARATHON!
HOW THE FUCK DID HE COMPLETE THE ULTIMATE ENDURANCE
WITHOUT ANY FAULTS?
I mean I'm gonna play a hard,
a- a fucking hard level right here,
because if I'd play expert,
I'd be stuck on the first, fucking, checkpoint. The entire video.
(sigh)
I cannot- I cannot play this fucking game!
I don't know why I lack the necessary skill to GO FORWARD!
And I don't know why.
This asshole always seems to do fucking flips.
He goes forward or backward when I don't want him to.
Like right there.
(sigh)
Yay! Ev- Every time I hit a checkpoint it's like,
it's like, a fucking gift from God.
Ya know, like oh thank fucking Christ.
Thank God I hit a fucking checkpoint.
I- I've freaked out so many times playing this game.
And I- I keep coming back to it,
again, 'cause it's a good game, it's a solid game.
But I- I just can't learn the fucking, the physics of it!
I just can't wrap my fucking brain around it.
I get the shit, like with backflips and stuff like that.
And look I- I landed that, I have no idea how I fucking landed that.
He just always fucking does a flip when I don't want him to.
Or I just hold the right trigger like an asshole,
and I just fucking punch it too much.
Like this. Go. Yes. NOOOO!
Damn it! That's the closest I've gotten to getting up that fucking thing.
(sigh)
It's like they taunt you.
The fact that you can hit the B button whenever you want.
Knows.
They KNOW you're gonna fuck up.
Like you don't even have to wait for yourself to die.
Just hit the fucking B button.
That's- this is the first time I've actually ever even gotten up here.
(sigh)
And then I fall over a fucking pipe!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHAT AM I DOING?
I gotta hump the fucking thing.
Get down!
And he just bounces all over the place like the god damn
asshole's wearing moonshoes.
Moonshoes!
MOONSHOES!
THE FUCKING ANTI-GRAVITY SHOES!
(sigh)
It- I- Nothing pisses me off like a good game of fucking Trials.
I fucking, I can't believe it I- I passed it.
But look at my fucking time!
Even in that, that's actually a pretty good fucking time for me.
Let's try another one 'cause I did SO WELL on that one.
These are of course the new maps- And that's how much of an asshole I am.
Fucking-
Really?
I suck so hard at this game so what did I do?
I- I bought the fucking maps.
I bought the uh, the first map pack that came out.
Look, I just quit. Just- just quit.
I just quit. I just- I just know I'm not gonna make it
and it's just like, just hit the B button you fucking idiot!
It's- it's mostly the fucking straight up jumps,
where you have to, like, fuck the analog stick back and forth
and rev the asshole up.
I just fucking de-headed myself.
Or like time and time again I'll KNOW I gotta slow up,
and I- I don't fucking slow up, I just mash the fucking button.
SOMEBODY TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME!
I'M BETTER AT SUPER MEAT BOY THAN THIS!
At least Super Meat Boy like, fucking gets ridiculously hard!
I- I can't do the simple shit in this game!
Not without freaking the fuck out and my head exploding over it.
Oh no no NO NOOO!
And then it just goes backwards!
Oh, see I got lucky there it's a half-pipe and I freaked out.
It's cool.
Ughh.
(sigh)
And then the backwards shit kills me.
It fucking kills me. I don't know-
I can never fucking just, I can never plan out what the fuck I have to do.
NOOO!
I end up just fucking,
DRY HUMPING THE GOD DAMN BIKE
until he flips over on his asshole.
FONZIE JUMPED THE FUCKING SHARK!
I should be able to do this!
I probably have a better shot at this in real life!
For me anyway!
I- He just ends up doing backflips again and again
and I can't get him to stop.
Or like- NO GO YEA YES! YES I GOT IT!
That was a gift.
That was a gift right there, HIT THE B BUTTON!
I cannot even attempt those fucking expert levels.
I- I somehow did like two of them,
and the third or fourth one I got to,
I- I got like right to the fucking end
and ran out of time.
Which by the way is like a half an hour.
If you fucking, if you fail that shit for a half an hour,
They just automatically reset you.
And- AND INEPT DOES THE ULTIMATE ENDURANCE WITH NO FUCKING FAULTS!
THAT'S ONE THING HE'S GOT OVER ME.
THANK GOD I FINISHED, AT LEAST ENDED.
I completed two tracks.
CONGRATULATIONS! WHERE'S MY FUCKING COOKIE?
SON OF A BITCH!