[Narrator] Everyone on the internet was in love with "The Grinch,"
When asked if they enjoyed it they'd say "Yes" in a pinch;
Jim Carrey's so funny and Ron Howard's a gem,
and this holiday classic is perfect for them.
Yes, the film seemed to make so many people happy,
but, the Grump [dramatic musical cue]
of Channel Awesome found it all crappy.
He hated "The Grinch"; every part of the movie
Please don't ask why, we're not sure how this could be.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
Or perhaps it could be that his shoes were too tight.
[Critic] Why would shoes affect how I feel about something? I...don't get that
[Narrator] But the most likely reason of all, I should think,
Is the Grump thought his brain was two sizes too big.
But whatever the reason you might want to pick
the Grump spent his time HATING the flick.
Staring down with a grumpy Grump frown,
he never got what pleased all the people in town.
"Can't they see," said the Grump
"That the remake is crap? I'd rather get my nuts caught in a Lorax trap!"
"P.S. That's gotta suck too."
[Critic] The jokes are atrocious, the lines make me weepy
They scare up the Grinch when the WHOs are more creepy!
The original's a classic; no fixing required
Whoever said this needs an update is a big fat f*ck liar!
Pop cultural references don't make a film work,
Just makes you look like a big, dumb, lazy-ass jerk!
On top of that, who the hell made Dr. Seuss PG?
PG? Oh, I see! Seuss was never child-friendly!
[Narrator] And the more the Grump thought how this movie could stink,
The more the Grump thought,
"I must stop this whole thing!"
Why for 11 damn years I've put up with it now,
I must stop Christmas from sucking! ...But how?
[Narrator] And then the Grump got an idea
An awful idea
The Grump got a wonderful, awful idea.
"I know what to do," the Grump said sitting tall, "If I can't enjoy it, I'll ruin it for them all!"
A critique of this stinker is just what they need, I'll tell them the truth: my words must take heed!
So come on, ya pansies, Let the bashing begin!
Stop smoking that Who-Hash And let us dive in.
[Critic continues] So this world, we discover, Takes place on a flake.
[smack] [yell of pain]
Trust me. I did 'em a favor for God's sake.
We see the Whos in Whoville are merry and bright,
Many of them you'll be seeing in your nightmares tonight.
Seriously. These Whos are freaky as hell.
Were their mothers all pregnant when they fell down that well?
[Cindy] Dad? [Lou] Yeah?
[Cindy] Doesn't this seem like a bit much?
[Lou] This is what Christmas is all about!
[Critic] But we see our main innocent And of course her dad too.
This is Cindy Lou Who, Who is no more than two.
...Well, but we'll give them a little leeway.
[Cindy] Everyone getting all kerbobbled. Doesn't this seem... superfluous?
[Critic] Good, God, kid. Did someone put your hair in a blender?
It looks like the penis 'do from the film Last Airbender.
[Grinch] I guess I could use a little... social interaction.
[Critic] We then see the Grinch: the epitome of cruel.
And yes, to be fair, that makeup is pretty cool.
He looks just like the Grinch, despite the film's flaws.
But hey, could be worse, they could have given him cat claws.
[Grinch] I merely noticed that you're improperly packaged, my dear.
[ripping paper] Graah!
[Critic] So, as you'd guessed, he hates Christmas to a T.
And so would I if lived in this town constantly!
For Whoville looks dirty, and kind of polluted
There's smog everywhere and the colors are muted.
The wide angle makes things look strangely intense,
And is it me, or did someone rub Vaseline on the lens?
[Man] What happened to you?
[Teens] It was the Grinch!
[Screaming tires screeching, honking, crashes]
[Critic] And the constant camera movement has gotta be the worst.
There's more Dutch angles here than in "Battlefield Earth"!
This doesn't look magical; it's ugly and henious!
This isn't Christmastime, it's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"!
But, at least we know the Whos have Christmas Spirit in check
[Betty] Well I'd blow every fuse if I tried to keep up with you, Martha May!"
[Boom! thunk thunk thunk thunk]
[Critic] Up! No, strike that, they're as phony as Glenn Beck.
[Martha] Isn't this antique ~darling?
[Critic] For ya see, these Whos are competitive and beyond materialistic.
A town that just loves the spirit? Pfft! I guess that was unrealistic!
For these whos are corrupted and commercal to the max,
But don't worry, it's just a story arc written by talentless hacks.
[Martha] Well goodnight Betty!
[Critic] And geesh, is it me or are the decorations really bright?
[Woman] Is your house on fire, Clark? [Clark] No, those are ...Christmas lights.
♪ [Cindy] Where are you, Christmas? ♪
[Critic] Ugh! [slams table] Really?
We're letting the brat sing here?
It sounds like something that came out of Charlotte Church's rear!
♪ [Cindy Lou] My world is changing ♪
♪ I'm rearranging ♪
[Critic] Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's trying her best
But we need this song like we needed one in "Polar Express".
It's pointless, unneeded, and doesn't sound good.
♪ [Grinch] Be it ever so ... heinous ♪
[Critic] Aaand speaking of things that should be avoided if they could,
♪[Grinch] La ta ta, Ya ha hee, Na taa ta ta ta ♪
[Critic] [Sigh] I give Carey credit; this role can't be easy:
To act in green latex is probably not breezy
[Grinch] Hate, hate hate hate, *double* hate ... LOATHE ENTIRELY
[Critic] But GOD is he annoying! I'm sorry but it's true!
Is there a law to how much mugging a single person can do?
[Grinch] What if it's a cash bar?
How dare they.
All right, I'll go.
But I'll be fashionably late!
[Critic] [sigh] Just because you can make faces doesn't mean that you should.
Can't you once say a line like a normal person would?!
[Grinch growling and mumbling]
[Critic] [sigh] Didn't you take anything from the great Boris Karloff?
You sound like Sean Connery if his nostrils just fell off!
[Grinch] Those Whos are hard to frighten, Max! But, we did our worst. And that's all that matters."
[Connery] Only on account of villainy
[Critic] Little Cindy Lou wants to find out about him
(If I was her I'd avoid him at every single whim)
[Cindy] Where did he come from?
[Woman] Oh! Well, [laugh] he came the way all new babies come.
Adrift from the sky in their own pumbercellas
[Baby Grinch cries out as he lands]
[Critic] So we see the Grinch as a small little baby
...That or perhaps a young Gary Busey baby
As he grows up even older and we see school's at hand
He looks like Gizmo if he was thrown in the washer with a green crayon.
[Martha] Oh, I hardly remember him; I didn't have time to socialize
I was far too busy with my ... studies.
[Critic] We see a girl who likes him. Guess she ...has a thing for green too
(If you think that's weird, I know a chick who has a thing for blue)
[Kid] You don't have a chance with her; You're 8 years old and you have a beard!
So the Grinch was made fun of for being so damn hairy
(Boy, who'da thought the guy from Passions would be more subtle than Jim Carrey?)
[Grinch] What a lovely family heirloom!
[Critic] So he makes her a gift out of all that he's saved
But then he thinks that maybe he should give himself a shave.
So he goes ahead and shaves his chin and leaves a couple nicks
And... for some reason it gets the class all laughing at him like hicks.
[Laughter]
[Grinch] Stupid ribbons!
[crash]
[Critic] Is it me or are the Whos just who-rible creatures?
They show us the true meaning of Christmas in this feature?
Even the teacher is laughing! Dude, what's up with that?!
It's not that funny, lady! She's as contrived as those brats.
[Grinch] I hate Christmas!
I hate it!
[Movie Narrator] So whatever the reason; his heart, or his shoes.
He stood outside his cave, hating the whos.
[Critic] Wait a minute! Whatever reason... Dude, are you high?!
They just told you the reason you dumb stupid guy!
It's because he was mocked All the way from the start
What?! Did you just fall asleep at that part?
So they look for a ringleader: A Cheermeister they say,
To take on the role Just before Christmas day.
[Cindy] The Cheermeister is the one who deserves a back slap or a toast.
And it goes to the soul at Christmas who needs it most.
And I believe that soul is the Grinch!
[cheering and clapping]
[Critic] So Cindy tells the Grinch in his Grincy Grinch-lair
Dude, do her parents ever accompany her anywhere?
[Grinch] How dare you enter the Grinch's Lair?!
The impudence! The *audacity*!
The unmitigated *gall*!
Another unmistakable sign of the heebie-jeeb-eh-ies!
Now. You're. *doomed*!
[Critic] [sighs]
So if you're a strange person for one reason or another
Who likes to watch men act like Snarf's deformed brother,
Then this scene's for you! I'm so filled with glee.
Now please, never make eye contact with me.
[Grinch] WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?
[Cindy] I came to invite you to be holiday Cheermeister!
[Critic] So the Grinch heads on down; He'll be glad that he did!
Because this scene happens!
[crash] [Martha gasps] Oh!
[Critic] You know, for kids! :D
So they force him to party and have a good time,
Though one certain present starts to eat at his mind.
A razor, it appears to have dampened his cheer,
...It didn't make sense then aand it ...really doesn't here.
[Grinch] This whole Christmas season is ... stupid, stupid, stupid!
[woman gasps]
[Grinch] Mistletoe
Now pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! [Nyoinoingoing!]
[Critic] Doctor Seuss would be proud! This is what he intended:
Mistletoe butts, for Mom to get offended!
And Jim Carrey's range once again is in stock,
Can you believe he used to talk from his ass? I'm shocked!
[flame noise]
So the Grinch goes crazy and starts attacking the folks
[Grinch] Taxi! [taxi driving past] It's because I'm green, isn't it?!?
[Critic] Ok, *that's* a good joke.
He takes all his antics and goes all the way!
[explosion]
[explosion] Aaaah!
[Critic] There's an explosion in the Grinch.
Who directed this, Michael Bay?
[jingling as ornaments fall]
[Mayor] I'm hurt, Lou
[pats shoulder]
I'm hurt, and I don't hurt easily.
[Critic] So he didn't steal Christmas, more assassinated it,
When we FINALLY get the plot that the writers have procrastinated.
He wants to steal Christmas after Santa gets moving,
...Wait...Santa's in this movie? That's a ...little confusing...
But no matter. He gets his stuff and starts to head down,
To visit the sleeping Whos in their quiet little town.
[rocket engine, Grinch yelling, backfiring, dog barking]
[Critic] [sigh] At the risk of sounding incredibly droll
D'oh! I can't help it!
[Game] Do a barrel roll!
[Grinch laughing]
[Critic] So this stuff is actually pretty close to the book
[scoffs] Yeah, I know, someone actually did take a look!
[Cindy] Santa Claus?
What are you doing with our tree?
[Movie Narrator] But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
[Narrator] That thankfully Cindy was as dumb as a brick.
[Cindy] Santa, what's Christmas really about?
[Grinch] Vengeance!
...I mean... presents.
[Movie Narrator] Then he patted her head and he got her a drink
and he sent her to bed.
[Critic, imitating Grinch] But hey! She could still have some fun with me!
I'll eat her liver with fava beans, and a nice Chianti
[mimic's Hannibal Lector's slurping]
[Cindy] Grinch?
[Grinch, shortly] What!?
[Cindy] Don't forget the Grinch.
[Critic] Odd, seeing how the Grinch is someone she knows,
Bit it fooled her in the book, so I guess we'll let it go.
But here's a scene I simply cannot let fly,
It's where the Grinch sees the Mayor's house and needs to drop by.
[Mayor snores] [Grinch giggles]
[Mayor, mumbling] Martha... have you ever kissed a man who lost his tonsils twice?
[Grinch, in faltsetto] No... silly!
[Mayor makes kissing sounds]
[Max whines]
[Grinch in faltsetto] But it's an experience that I've *always* longed for.
Kiss me, you fool!
[exagerrated kissing/popping sound]
[Max whining]
[Critic] Really film, really? You had to go there?
The "Arrested Development" guy kissing a dog's derrière?!
Did your 5 year old decide to start writing this part?
[squeaky] Kissing dog's anuses haha! This is high art!
Now...Just to clarify... This is the Christmas classic you all love?
A dog's ass, a guy's lips pleasantly shoved?
Have you gone crazy? Or totally insane?
How can this scene cause none of you pain?
What the hell would PETA say for this little canine?
Aw hell, as long as he's not wearing a tanooki suit it's fine.
So as the film promised, he steals the holiday
Which puts all the Whos in alarming dismay.
[Mayor, shouting] Invite the Grinch, destroy Christmas!
You listen to a little, not to be taken seriously, GIRL.
[Critic] It takes them a while, five minutes or more
To realize that Christmas doesn't come from a store.
[Lou] I'm glad he took our presents! [crowd gasps]
You can't hurt Christmas, Mr. Mayor
Because it isn't about the-the gifts.
Wh-I don't need anything more for Christmas than this right here: My family
[crowd aww's]
[Critic] Ya know, I kinda like the original Yeah, I know, big surprise,
But it made sense that they already knew where Christmas lies.
For nothing could dampen it and that was uplifting
Here, there's blaming and yelling before they start shifting.
The message is there but it doesn't stand as tall.
And if you can't remake it better, WHY REMAKE IT AT ALL?!
[Grinch] Maybe Christmas...
...perhaps
...means a little bit more.
[thumping and yelling]
[Critic] Wow. Way to ruin such a touching little scene
Good God, for a moment, I almost saw subtlety!
[groaning]
[moaning and sobbing]
That's right, keep yelling make faces like a whore
We lasted the whole movie; we can take a bit more!
♪[swelling music]♪
[Critic] So... God's in this movie? ...That I didn't know...
Does he say,
[Man] I am the creator of a television show
[Cindy] Hi, Mr. Grinch!
[Critic] So with a smile from Cindy, and a ... ... pedo smile from him,
He brings the gifts back and the town lets him in.
He hands back the presents and everyone is happy
Only one other thing could make this ending more sappy!
[Martha] My heart belongs to... someone else
[Grinch] Hm?
[Critic] The girl, all grown up, wants to date him now, see?
Because... once you've gone green... there's... nothing in between...?
So Christmas is as high as anybody reaches
And the Grinch carved the beast made from fresh roasted Sneeches.
[Grinch] Who wants the gizzard?! [Person] I do!
[Grinch] Too late! That'll be mine
[Critic] That's the film oh my GOD could it be any longer?
I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger.
Well...
Maybe you could shorten it by an hour or two.
And maybe some bright colors, for a friendlier view.
A more subtle actor might be anticipated
And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated?
Yes, those are the changes that I would insist.
Oh wait. We don't need to! IT F**KING EXISTS!
The original was fine, spend your time watching that
It's better than this horrifying crap in a hat!
It's downright unbearable unpleasant, unfunny
Nothing in this movie seems colorful or sunny!
It's not fun to look at; it's not fun to watch!
How on earth did this classic get so God damn botched?
I really hate this movie. And you know what, so should you!
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.