♪♪
-I'm gonna get to the news.
President Biden visited the Pentagon on Sunday
to commemorate the anniversary of the September 11th attack
and said, "It's not enough to stand up
for democracy once a year."
"I don't know, I'm making it work," said Joe Manchin.
[ Laughter ]
White House officials are reportedly holding
emergency meetings to prevent a potential national
railroad strike, but just in case,
Biden's ready if you need him.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden spoke about his infrastructure plan
yesterday in Boston.
Said one Boston resident, "Wow, I've never gotten a DUI
on a paved road before."
[ Laughter ]
We could have given him a shirt.
[ Laughter ]
According to the latest numbers from the Bureau of Labor
statistics, gas prices have decreased
for 89 consecutive days, or as Fox News reported it,
"Biden leaves oil markets in shambles."
[ Laughter ]
Buckingham palace will reportedly only extend
invites to Queen Elizabeth's funeral to current
heads of state, and no former presidents,
which is a bummer 'cause we all kind of wanted to hear
that eulogy.
"Elizabeth, she loved everyone at Hogwarts."
[ Laughter ]
"Even the gingers, even the gingers."
[ Laughter ]
"And if she were here, I -- I know what she would say.
She would say January 6th was mostly antifa."
[ Laughter ]
Apple yesterday released its IOS 16 software,
which will allow iPhone users to unsend messages,
and not a moment too soon.
[ Laughter ]
The Emmy Awards ceremony was held last night.
Our show was nominated and, honey,
clear some space on the mantle,
cause they had snow globes at the airport.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience "awws" ]
[ Applause ]
Elon Musk's college girlfriend is auctioning off
personal items from their relationship,
including photographs, a birthday card
and upwards of three kids.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience "ohs" ]
That's why we win the snow globes, baby.
[ Laughter ]
Princeton University announced last week
it will cover all costs for undergraduate students
for families making less than $100,000 a year.
Said school officials, "It's not their fault
their parents went to Brown."
[ Audience "ohs" ]
That's the sort of cutting ivy league humor...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey, 26% of Americans
said that if they were reading a book
and not enjoying it, they would still finish it.
"Thank you," said Dan Brown.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden
made a surprise trip to Delaware yesterday
to cast their votes in the state's primaries.
Though for what it's worth,
Biden just voted the same way he always does.
"Ah, simpler times."
President Biden today toured the Detroit Auto Show.
And you're not going to believe this.
He traded the presidential limo for a '72 Chevelle straight up.
MyPillow C.E.O. Mike Lindell said in an interview yesterday
that FBI agents seized his cellphone at
a Hardee's drive-through in Minnesota.
The FBI says they weren't tipped off about his location.
They just assumed.
"Hey, they want us to get Lindell's cellphone."
"Alright. Hardee's drive-through?"
That's right -- MyPillow C.E.O. Mike Lindell said
that FBI agents seized his cellphone
at a Hardee's drive-through.
So not a great way to start his job interview.
After the death of Queen Elizabeth,
Britain's Prince William reportedly inherited
a 685-year-old estate worth $1 billion,
which I think makes him a suspect.
President Biden said yesterday during a celebration
at The White House that his recently passed
Inflation Reduction Act is a win for the middle class.
"Thanks," said the one guy still in it.
That's right -- President Biden hosted
a celebration at The White House yesterday.
They were originally going to ask The Beach Boys,
but Biden said, "Let's get someone the kids will like."
So, we -- Can we go back there?
What did I miss?
Go back. Yeah, okay. One more card.
So, we missed the part that James Taylor played at it.
And that's a detail we call "key to the joke."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now -- now, halfway through the joke,
I realized the problem, guys.
But I also -- There was no way --
And I feel like I'm pretty good on my feet.
There was no way for me to fix it.
Here's how it would have looked if I tried to fix it
the way I thought I would.
Alright, ready? Wally, thank you.
That's right -- President Biden hosted a celebration
at The White House yesterday, and they were gonna --
James Taylor was there.
They were gonna originally --
And they asked James Taylor --
They were going to originally ask The Beach Boys.
How you feeling, Wally?
-I'm not sure that was my mistake.
-Okay.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's always been a gray area where cue cards land...
-Yeah. -...and your responsibility.
-Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-During -- Well, since he's wearing a mask,
let's edit him saying, "Sorry, Seth."
During the event yesterday,
President Biden wore aviator sunglasses.
Although, at this point, it would be a big deal
if he wore any other kind of sunglasses.
Yeah, see? Now, that's news.
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham
introduced a bill yesterday that would
ban abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy nationwide,
but just 'cause his first pitch of banning sex
in general proved unpopular.
According to a new survey,
67% of Americans said that they are vaccinated against polio,
while the other 33% texted,
"Mom, am I vaccinated against polio?"
Ferrari yesterday unveiled its first-ever
four-door vehicle, which will be an S.U.V.-like sports car
with a 715-horsepower engine.
Perfect for taking your third wife's kids to soccer practice.
And, finally, NBC is set to premiere
a new show next month starring the Harlem Globetrotters.
It's called "Chicago Globetrotters."
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
Let's see if Wally got that card right.
Oh, well, I guess that wasn't the problem, then.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden spoke to Britain's King Charles yesterday
for the first time since Queen Elizabeth's passing.
"I can't believe you waited your entire life for this lousy job,"
said both of them at the same time.
[ Laughter ]
A possible national railroad strike was averted today
after 20 hours of talks between the union's leadership
and labor negotiators from the railroads.
20 hours of talks that were very annoying
to everyone else in the quiet car.
[ Laughter ]
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters
at her press conference yesterday
that she expects Democrats to introduce legislation next month
to regulate stock trading among members of Congress.
Or as she told her stockbroker,
"Sell!"
[ Laughter ]
According to a new book,
then White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was so angry
when former President Trump refused to lower the flag
after Republican Senator John McCain died
that he told Trump, "When you die,
the public will come to your grave and piss on it."
[ Laughter ]
And if you think the line to see the Queen is long...
[ Laughter ]
According to the same book...
[ Laughter ]
We're just -- This is just book reports.
[ Laughter ]
This is -- Nothing here is political.
We're just reporting on a book.
[ Laughter ]
According to the same book,
the heir to cosmetics company Estee Lauder
suggested to former President Trump
that the U.S. buy Greenland.
It would have been the first time Trump listened
to a cosmetics employee.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump visited his Virginia golf club this week
as it reportedly undergoes renovations
ahead of a Saudi-backed LIV Golf tournament.
He also helped oversee packing VIP gift bags.
[ Laughter ]
A man in Kansas recently set a Guinness World Record
for largest collection of Kansas City Chiefs memorabilia,
with more than 1,000 pieces,
while a man in Cleveland set a Browns memorabilia record
with two.
[ Laughter ]
Starbucks yesterday announced a new growth plan
which will add thousands of new U.S. stores.
Don't believe me?
Look behind you.
[ Laughter ]
Pretty nice living room.
[ Laughter ]
The pilot of a rescue helicopter
that reportedly left behind a stranded hiker
said that he thought the man was just waving hi.
[ Laughter ]
Even worse, the hiker was actually waving
at another helicopter behind him.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, singer Adele this week
put her Beverly Hills mansion up for sale.
She said she has a lot of happy memories in the house,
which explains why we've never heard a song about it.
And that...
[ Laughter ]
...was a closer!
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪