WE ALWAYS LIKE TO CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND
DERANGED BILLIONARY JOHN HODGMAN.
USUALLY JOHN WILL GIVE US SOME IDEA ABOUT WHY HE'S DROPPING BY.
BUT THIS TIME HE JUST SAID HE HAD A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
SO I GUESS WELCOME TO THE SHOW JOHN HODGMAN.
JOHN HODGMAN, EVERYBODY!
NICE TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY AND JOINING US.
>> CAN YOU STOP TALKING NOW? IS THE CAMERA ON ME?
>> Jon: YES.
>> GOOD, THANK YOU.
JON, THE REASON I CALLED YOU HERE TODAY --
>> Jon: WELL, I'M HERE EVERY DAY.
IT'S MY SHOW. SO I'M HERE-- IT'S NOT LIKE YOU --
>> PLEASE, JON, THIS IS HARD
ENOUGH WITHOUT YOUR BLUBBERING.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.
I HAVE BEEN APPEARING ON THIS SHOW FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS NOW.
THIS SHOW DOESN'T DESERVE AN EVEN SLIGHTLY RESTLESS DERANGED
BILLIONAIRE -- >> Jon: WHAT?
>> AND SO I'M MOVING ON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: REALLY?
>> THE POINT IS, I'M RETIRING TO AN EXCLUSIVE GATED COMMUNITY.
>> Jon: WOW! YOU'RE GOING TO FLORIDA?
>> NO, JON, AN EXCLUSIVE GATED COMMUNITY ON MARS.
>> Jon: MARS, THE PLANET MARS?
>> YEAH.
TECHNICALLY IT'S CALLED SUMMERWINE LINKS AT THE
HELLAS IMPACT CRATER.
BUT WE JUST CALL IT THE COLONY, STAR WIPE.
AH, THAT WAS GOOD.
>> Jon: YEAH, USUALLY WHEN YOU DO A STAR LIFE IT'S TO GO TO
A DIFFERENT SHOT.
>> PICKY, PICKY.
YOU DIRECT ONE MOVIE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE
FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT.
YOU KNOW, TRUFFAUT LOVED STAR WIPES, BY THE WAY, LOVED THEM.
THE POINT IS, BOTHERING YOU, JON, WAS THE ONLY REASON I STUCK
AROUND IN THIS INCREASINGLY SOCIALIST CESSPOOL OF A PLANET.
AND NOW WITH YOU'RE LEAVING IT'S TIME FOR ME TO REJOIN MY KIND.
>> Jon: WHAT THE -- STAR WIPE!
WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE A MARTIAN?
>> WHAT? NO WE GOT RID OF THE MARTIANS -- THEY WERE
TANKING OUR PROPERTY VALUES.
I'M JUST A VERY WEALTHY HUMAN WHO SUMMERS OFF PLANET.
JON, WE .01%-ERS HAVE HAD A SPACE COLONY FOR YEARS.
>> Jon: WHY?
>> WELL, MARS IS A BILLIONAIRE'S PARADISE-- NO TAXES NO,
REGULATIONS, NO UNIONS.
PLUS THERE'S INFINITE ROOM FOR OUR LAVISH ORGIES.
WE STILL HAVE TO WEAR OUR SPACESUITS, THOUGH.
SAFETY FIRST.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: SO YOUR ORGIES ARE JUST MOSTLY JUST DRY HUMPING
IN SPACE?
>> WE CALL IT THUMPING CROTCH PLATES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: JOHN, HOW DOES THIS
SOCIETY MADE UP OF ONLY BILLIONAIRES FUNCTION.
BECAUSE DON'T YOU NEED NON-RICH PEOPLE TO PROVIDE YOU BASIC
SERVICES? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO IT YOURSELVES
-- BUILD INFRASTRUCTURE, DANCE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT.
>> YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. OF COURSE.
WHY DO YOU THINK WE BILLIONAIRES ARE SO OBSESSED WITH COMMERCIAL
SPACE TRAVEL.
>> AMAZON FOUNDER JEFF BEZOS'S COMPANY BLUE ORIGIN
SAYS IT'S READY TO START SUBORBITAL TEST FLIGHTS
THIS YEAR.
>> BRANSON'S IN ON IT. ELON MUSK IS IN ON IT.
>> THIS IS BRAGGING RIGHTS FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN SPEND A QUARTER
MILLION DOLLARS FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF WEIGHTLESSNESS.
>> Jon: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOUR-- ON MARS, YOUR
MIGRANT WORKERS-- >> ARE LOWLY MILLIONAIRES, YES.
BUT, SOMEONE HAS TO UNCLOG OUR SPACE TOILETS AND CLEAN OUR
CROTCH PLATES
>> Jon: THAT MAKES SENSE.
>> WELL, I COULD TALK ABOUT CROTCH PLATES ALL NIGHT BUT I'VE
GOT TO GET GOING.
SO PUT ON MY HELMET.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> ROCKET TRIP, JON?
YOU THINK I'M GOING COACH.
THESE DAYS THE BEST PEOPLE ALL TRAVEL BY MYSTERIOUS COSMIC
MONOLITH.
OH, THERE IT IS NOW.
FAREWELL, EARTHLINGS.
BAAAAM!
BAAAUM.
I AM THE STAR CHILD.
OH, MY BODY'S WEIRD.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: THAT'S THE WEIRDEST ( BLEEP ) THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
FAREWELL, STAR CHILD, JOHN HODGMAN.
I GUESS NOW YOU BELONG TO THE AGES.
>> HI, I FORGOT SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M LEAVING BEHIND HUNDREDS OF
EMPTY INVESTMENT CONDOS, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE THAT
NEW YORK IS FOREVER UNAFFORDABLE FOR THE MIDDLE CLASS.
>> Jon: OKAY.
>> SO COULD YOU WATER MY PLANTS?
>> Jon: SURE. >> THANK YOU.
>> Jon: BY THE WAY, THERE WAS A LIGHT SHOW, YOU TURN INTO A
BABY. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> YEAH, WOULDN'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD, JON.
IT'S VERY DEEP.
ANYWAY, GOOD-BYE!
OH, AND THAT WHOLE THING ABOUT BILLIONAIRES BEING ESSENTIAL JOB
CREATORS, YEP, WE MADE THAT UP.
GOOD NIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, SO, THE POORS WOULDN'T
KILL US.
THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY TRICKLED DOWN WAS
BULL ( BLEEP ). GOOD-BYE!
>> Jon: JOHN HODGMAN, EVERYBODY.