Translator: Ellie Wilson Reviewer: Trina Orsic
Over the course of life, everyone gains certain things
like friends, experiences, trips, among other material things.
But we are also at risk of losing things
like relationships, goals, and dreams.
Without us really noticing,
these small losses prepare us for much bigger losses.
The most known and feared one, death for those leaving us,
and the dreaded grief for those who are left behind.
I wasn’t aware of this until the day my mother died,
or to be more specific, the day of her funeral.
While we received lots of flowers
and lifelong friends and family members came,
I realized that most of them, not to say all of them,
didn’t know how to treat me.
It was really hard for them to look me in the eye
and whenever I said anything,
they thought long and hard before replying.
A while later, I thought, how could they not be uncomfortable
when we’ve never spoken about death
or how to treat a person who is grieving?
I know it’s a difficult topic and hardly anyone talks about it.
I don’t know if it’s because we think that if we ignore something, it goes away.
But it will happen to all of us at some point.
Wouldn’t it be better to know how we think and feel about it?
Death has and will always be there.
The pandemic highlighted and showed us that we won’t be around forever.
But the real problem isn’t that we will all die.
The problem is that we fear dying without being really sure
that we have enjoyed and lived the life we had.
Uncertainty frightens us,
what might happen when we’re not here
and where we will go, which remains a mystery.
But I think that if we start to talk about the people we have lost
and what we think about death,
we will get to a point where we will feel more comfortable about it.
My name is Antonella León.
I’m a communicator,
and I’ve been producing comedy content on social media for four years.
During my journey, I realized how important it is to tell your story.
So, I started to talk about how losing my mother at 23
was one of the most difficult
but also transformative and positive experiences in my life.
My mother died of cancer.
For seven years, my life and my family’s life
was a rollercoaster of new experiences, fears,
and unanswered questions.
During that time,
we could not process what had happened to us.
We were just in that situation and we had to keep going and deal with it.
But when my mother died three years ago,
I decided to share my experience and thoughts
about grief with my community.
During that time,
I received lots of messages from complete strangers
who opened their hearts and told me about their losses.
The strange thing is that these stories ended with two questions:
“What can I do to stop the pain?”
and, “What did you do?”
The more I tried to give them advice and messages of encouragement,
I realized that there is no set way to overcome grief,
and what had helped me wouldn’t necessarily help you.
This is because
other factors influence the situation you are going through.
There comes a time when you have to be honest
and write these factors down, if necessary,
to help you realize which of them you can change
and which of them you must accept.
Believe me, in my case,
there were many things I didn’t want to accept.
But after thinking it through, over and over again,
after thinking about what I could have done and didn’t do,
I realized that everything that involves third parties,
even in the past, was out of my hands.
So, I decided to muster up all my energy, strength, and hope
in what I could change.
In that moment,
I started to see a positive change in my grieving process.
I received many things,
but the most important thing was understanding that overcoming loss
wasn’t just a matter of time,
as time cannot transform loss into anything more.
But you can.
There comes a time when life almost says to you:
“Listen, I know you weren’t expecting this and that it hurts,
but do you want to find out the purpose of your loss?”
For me, the bigger purpose involved improving my relationship with my dad,
living life more fully,
and being able to speak about loss and grief without fear,
both with you and with those around me.
It is a very personal journey
as grief is an active and non-linear process.
There is no recipe or path that everyone has to follow
to stop the pain.
It doesn’t work like that.
You just learn to live with it.
Some days, it will force you to do nothing but stay in bed.
On other days, it will make you go out and have fun.
The important thing is to not judge yourself
and to let yourself feel.
Do it. You deserve it.
I found it hard to understand at first,
as I was worried that my dad and those around me
wouldn’t understand my grieving process for my mother.
But the truth is that everyone finds their own way
and does the best they can with what they have each day.
For example,
my dad honors my mother’s life by going to see her in the cemetery
and organizing masses for her at church.
For me, it’s every time I go to the sea, see a sunset, or go on holiday.
That’s how I connect with her.
It doesn’t mean that either way is bad, neither one is wrong.
It just means that everyone has a way of dealing with a loved one’s death.
Because of this, it is very important that we respect each other
and understand this.
Loss can give you gifts that you never thought to ask for.
But in order to receive them, it is important that you truly believe
that neither life, nor God, nor the world hold anything against you.
We all have losses.
To deal with them, it is important that you tell your story.
Firstly because it makes you realize that you are not alone in experiencing it.
Everyone has something.
Secondly, it is easier to deal with it
when you are supported by those who love you and are still here.
Personally, I am grateful for all of my losses.
I know my view isn’t for everyone
as I know that many people would have preferred
never to have lost anything nor anyone to avoid the pain.
But the truth is that my losses allowed me,
allow me, and will continue to allow me to live life more fully,
to be grateful for both small and big things,
and to understand people that are experiencing it
in a way that I couldn’t have if I hadn’t personally lived through it.
Enjoy and be grateful that you are here today
and that you can talk to your friends and loved ones
about death.
We have to lose the fear that we know is there,
although we don’t know where it came from.
If someday you lose someone or have already lost someone,
I truly hope that you find your purpose
and that you can reap the gifts that only come with grief.
Thank you.