--Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching "The Tonight Show."
Well, guys, here's some good news.
Today, Moderna announced a new version of their COVID booster
that's eight times stronger
and provides longer-lasting protection.
[ Cheers ]
Which sounds less like a vaccine,
more like an ad for Right Guard deodorant.
But still...
Seven times the protection. yeah.
Moderna's going to have a new shot by this fall.
You know the pandemic's been going on too long
when even the vaccines have variants.
[ Laughter ]
And people are talking about this.
I saw that Elon Musk is threatening to walk away
from his $44-billion deal to buy Twitter.
Yeah, I feel like Elon is pretty close to saying,
"I'm so sorry. My 2-year-old took my iPad
and clicked 'buy,' so I didn't know what...
So we're cool? We're cool, right?"
Yeah, Musk said that he reserves
all rights not to "consummate" the transaction.
[ Laughter ]
Which sounds like something Mike Pence said on his honeymoon.
-Hey, oh, whoa!
-Whoa. Hey. Why would you do that?
-Pence! -In other --
[ Laughter ]
In other news, I read that the Biden administration
has been trying to contact North Korea
for the past month but hasn't gotten a response.
To be fair -- To be fair, there's a time difference.
Here, it's about 11:40 p.m.
While in North Korea, it's 1955.
[ Laughter ]
"Did you get that fax yet?" Yeah.
Switching gears, I saw that Amazon has opened
its first physical clothing store.
[ Audience ohhs ]
With brands like Calvin Klein, Lacoste, and Levi's.
It's not the only exciting thing that Amazon's working on.
Check out this commercial that they just released.
-Are you tired of how convenient it is
to go online for all your shopping needs?
Wish you could go someplace with even less stuff?
Introducing Amazon's latest innovation, the Mall.
It's just like shopping on our website,
but now you get to drive 45 minutes
to a drafty building full of bored security guards
and cool teenagers that laugh at you when you walk inside.
At the Amazon Mall, you can buy almost anything,
as long as it's from these 12 stores,
including Auntie Anne's pretzels and a smaller Target.
And the best part -- everything here is somehow
even more expensive.
Amazon's Mall, from Amazon, The Penis Rocket People.
-There you go. Is that what they're call--
-That's their tagline now?
Penis Rocket!
-Yeah, I know, yeah.
Well, some entertainment news.
The director of "The Joker" movie starring Joaquin Phoenix
has confirmed that there's going to be a sequel.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And the title is French.
The title is "Joker: Folie a Deux."
"Folie a Deux."
Yeah, you know moviegoers are gonna be like,
"Yeah, give me two tickets for fillet of ducks. Thanks.
'Joker.' The 'Joker' movie."
I heard that the federal government is investigating
complaints from Honda Pilot owners
that say their engines won't restart.
Of course, Honda immediately rebranded it
as the most fuel-efficient car ever.
You won't...
Meanwhile, Kia owners are like,
"Hey, at least your car started once. Hey. Come on."
Well, this is wild.
One of the largest European drug busts ever just happened.
Police in Italy just seized over four tons of cocaine...
[ Audience oohs ]
...with more than $250 million worth of cocaine.
250. Yeah.
And we've actually zeroed in
on which Italian kingpin was buying it.
And we actually got footage of him.
-Are you serious? -Yeah. Watch this.
♪♪
-I'm-a gonna live forever!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow!
-He's jumping over the building.
-He's jumping over everything. -Yeah.
-My gosh. -Well, get this.
A man in the U.K. set a new world record
after he drank at 56 pubs in 24 hours.
Yep, Guinness calls it a world record
while his wife calls it a "problem."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not sure if it counts 'cause he pretty much
"Weekend at Bernie'd" the last ten pubs.
He's like... "Give him another one!"
Listen to this. A Scottish couple
unofficially broke a world record after they ran
106 marathons in 106 days...
answering the question, what is the opposite of drinking
at 56 pubs in 24 hours?
That's what I'm talking about. Yeah.
[ Applause ]
"Just give him another one."