5 Ways to Get Mane to Stay
#1. Signings
Sadio, don’t go. I’m begging you...
- GIve me one good reason to stay. - Okay!
James Milner!
I think that were a no, boss.
#2. Pamper his ego
- Ah, what a joke… - Sadiooo!
Er, nothing to see here… I’ve got another good reason why you should stay!
Well it can’t be any worse than the last one…
To thank you for everything you’ve done for Liverpool and to persuade you to stay - we’ve made you a statue!
- Have you made one for Mo too? - No way!
- Why would we make one for that Egyptian bum? - Alright Milly, tone it down…
Guys, I am flattered…
- Great work, MIlly! - I told you it would work, boss…
- 3, 2, 1... - Tada!
- Why does it look like Didier Drogba? - I have no idea.
- Milly, who made this? - The fella who made the Aguero statue.
- Jesus Christ, Millie… - No deal!
I think that were a no, boss.
#3. Give the people what they want
- Damn! - Sadiooo!
I’ve got another good reason why you should stay!
Well it can’t be any worse than the last one…
And it can’t be any worse than your penalties. Ha!
Argh… You want to give the people of Senegal what they want right?
- Yes - Well… tada!
Salaam Alaikum Sadio! It’s your national coach, Aliou Cisse...
- Hmm, that’s funny. The last time I saw you, you were black. - Oh er, it must be the contrast.
Sadio, I have done a vote of all of the people in Senegal...
- Oh really… - Really! 92% of them want you to stay at Liverpool!
- Oh really… - Really!
Give the people what they want Sadio!
And 100% of the people also said you should take a 50% pay-cut....
Ah - typical FSG. No deal!
- I think that were a no boss... - You can lose the accent now James…
#4. Tits-up
Sadioo! I’ve got another good reason why you should stay!
Well it can’t be any worse than the last one…
Come with me…
Hello, I’m Emre. I decided to leave Liverpool and ended up playing for Borussia Dortmund...
Hello, I’m Philippe. I decided to leave Liverpool and ended up playing for Aston Villa...
Hello, I’m Genie. I decided to leave Liverpool and ended up not playing for PSG...
See Sadio. If you leave Liverpool, things tend to go tits up...
And I mean really tits up. Like Luke Skywalker drinking milk from an alien cow scale tits-up...
Oh yes… Really tits up!
No deal!
I think that were a no, boss…
#5. Money Talks
- So there’s nothing we can do to make you stay? - No. You have given me no good reasons to stay.
- Fine. Then we will sell you to Bayern. - Yes! Thanks, boss.
- But only at a price that suits us. Deal? - Deal!
Then it’s time to crunch the numbers! Milly!
Based on my mathematical calculations, we’ll let you leave for 1.8 billion pounds! You’re going nowhere!
- What the hell? - 1.8bn pounds? Deal!
- Oh sh*t… - Wahoo! - To the Etihad!
I think that was a yes, boss...
Then it looks like you’ll be playing up front next season....
Oh f***...