-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. Thank you for watching at home.
Thank you. -Come on!
-Let's get to some news, here.
Guys, today Elon Musk said he needs more details
about how many spam accounts are on Twitter
and, until then, his $44 billion deal to buy
is temporarily on hold.
[ Audience oohs ]
Yep. Temporarily on hold.
When they heard, even Verizon customer service reps were like,
"Oh, he's not coming back.
[ Laughter ] Oh, no."
Elon might be on to something with the spam accounts.
It's a little odd that Chef Boyardee
has 800 million followers, you know. [ Laughter ]
That's right, Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter is on hold.
In a statement, he said...
Then Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Elon said...
And Dorsey said...
[ Laughter ] And Elon said...
And Dorsey said...
[ Muffled ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, we'll see what happens. -Wow.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hey, this is cool --
On Sunday night, a total blood moon eclipse
is going to rise over the U.S.
[ Oohs ]
Yep, a total blood moon eclipse.
It's like every "Twilight" movie title rolled into one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Very exciting, a red moon.
Or, as Mars put it...
[ Slow clap ]
"How original."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Guys, get this -- apparently, inflation has caused
a lot of consumers, including young people,
to do less online shopping
and now malls are attempting to get young people
to go shopping again,
but I think they're trying a little too hard.
Look at this commercial I saw today.
[ Vuvuzela blasts ] Online shopping is dank.
But you know what's always savage? Malls.
-[Electronic voice reverberates] -That's right.
Forget Prime.
We got a fountain full of dimes.
-And pennies. -So, yassify your drip
at all the tope stores, like...
[ Laughter ]
Spencer Gifts.
-No parents allowed.
-Plus...
[ Laughter ] Oh, and if you're actually...
hit up that Jamba.
[ Laughter ] And did I mention the escalators?
[ Ethereal tune plays ]
[ Laughter ]
So don't be a simp.
Get some free samps
-[ Screech ] -at Panda Express,
make Sbarro your sbae,
and go straight-up...
-[ Screeching ]
Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hey, listen to this -- the USDA has issued a public health alert
over ground beef from Whole Foods
that could contain plastic fragments.
[ Oohs ] On the bright side, since it's Whole Foods,
is at least organic, grass-fed plastic.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, customers knew there was plastic when it felt like
the roof of their mouth had stepped on a LEGO.
[ Laughter ] But Whole Foods isn't worried now.
They're selling it as a Real Impossible Burger, yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, this is cool -- I saw that Google just unveiled
prototype glasses that can actually
translate languages for you in real time.
[ Murmuring ] Basically, someone could speak a different language
and the translation will appear on your lens.
Take a look at this. It's real.
♪♪
-You should be seeing what I'm saying,
just transcribed for you in real time,
kind of like subtitles for the world.
-Isn't that cool?
[ Murmuring ] Yeah. -Wow.
Not only that, apparently, the glasses can also translate
what people actually mean
when they say certain phrases to you in English.
[ Laughter ] -Really? -Yeah.
For instance, if someone says...
It translates to...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, if someone asks...
It translates to...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, if someone says...
It translates to...
[ Laughter and applause ] It's pretty spot-on. It's good.
[ Cheering ]
Hey, I read that Southwest Airlines
is spending $2 billion
to upgrade their planes with faster Wi-Fi,
charging ports, and larger overhead bins, yeah.
Meanwhile, not to be outdone,
Spirit Airlines is adding windows.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some entertainment news -- I saw that Christopher Walken
was just cast in "Dune: Part II."
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ] He's playing the emperor,
alongside Timothée Chalamet
and Zendaya, who are coming back,
so I thought it'd be fun to go around the studio
and see who could do the best impression
of Christopher Walken in "Dune."
Alright, here, I'll go first.
[ Clears throat ] [ Laughter ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ As Walken ] The spice must flow.
[ Applause ]
Felt good. -Yeah.
-Higgins. Higgins, let's hear your best
"Dune" Christopher Walken.
-Alright, ready? -Yeah.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ As Walken ] Fear is the mind-killer.
[ Cheering and applause ] Oh.
That's actually better than I thought.
James, let's hear your Walken.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ As Walken ] If you walk
without rhythm...
[ Laughter ] ...you sound a lot like my friend --
[ Sputtering ] [ Laughter ]
...Smooth Jeffrey.
We've been friends since he was 30 years old.
Now, he's 31 years old.
[ Laughter ]
He's a really bad dancer.
[ Laughter ]
But he invites me to go
to the clubs with him, anyway.
[ Laughter ]
He said he won't be my friend anymore, if I don't.
Let's face it -- I'm not exactly in a position
to be choosy in the friends department.
Smooth Jeffrey's signature move is called The Flop.
[ Laughter ]
I --
[ Laughter ]
I'd show you how to do it right now,
but I'm not wearing the right kind of pants.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Smooth Jeffrey.
-Alright. Moving on,
[ Laughter ] got some sports news.
[ Laughter ]
Some sports news.
[ Laughter ]
-What was it called, The Flop? -I don't know what he --
-He started going off -- -He started going off
on his own tangent. -Smooth Jeffrey.
I don't know what's going on.
[ Laughter ]
Here's what we did -- James rehearsed
a different bit earlier today.
We just added those cards,
just to see if he'd read them.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's making us laugh.
[ Cheering ]
[ Claps ]
Rehearsal, it was like two lines?
-One or two.
[ Laughter ]
It's like eight cards. -Yeah.
Guys, moving on, some sports news --
Rich Strike, the 80-to-1 long shot horse
that just won the Kentucky Derby,
is skipping the next race in the Triple Crown
and coming back for the third race.
[ Murmuring ] Yeah. Yeah.
Honestly, there's nothing more relatable
than exercising for two minutes and then taking a month off.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's a little suspect, though, right?
I mean, it's not a good sign when you have a shocking win,
then suddenly need to lay low for a while.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a company called Plufl
has created the world's first human-sized dog bed
and it costs $400.
[ Laughter ] Here it is.
[ Ohs and applause ] -Wow.
Honestly, I can't tell what's more annoying --
the bed, the price, or that I just had to say
the word Plufl.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Plufl. Yeah, it sounds like
a dating app for single dogs in your area.
[ Laughter ] Can we see it again?
Yeah. For the low, reasonable price of $400,
you can live just like your dog.
[ Laughter ]
Very easy to use. Just get in,
turn around three times... [ Laughter ]
...turn around three more times the other way,
lie down, and dream about rabbits.
[ Applause ] We have a great show tonight.