-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is exciting.
Michelle Obama is on the show tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep, she'll be talking about eating healthy
while I work through last night's
double corned-beef sandwich on rye.
Let's get to the news.
Well, guys, the drama between
President Biden and Vladimir Putin continues.
A day after Biden called Putin a killer,
Putin responded by saying, "It takes one to know one."
-Sheesh! -This is fun.
As if the pandemic wasn't enough,
let's throw in tension with a "nuclear enemy" into the mix.
Why not?
Don't worry. Biden isn't scared by this.
Just to be safe, he skipped wearing underwear today
just in case they were poisoned.
Yep, these guys are really going at it.
But keep in mind, it could also be just
a marketing stunt for Sunglass Hut.
Just saying. Just think about it.
The Kremlin also weighed in and called Biden's comments
about Putin "very bad" and demanded
an explanation or an apology.
Then Biden was like, "Well, which one do you want?
Explanation or apology?"
Yep, the Kremlin demanded that Biden explain himself,
which will backfire when they realize
every Biden explanation takes at least three hours.
"I know a Russian guy named Igor.
We used to call him Scooter
'cause he had a bicycle with no pedals.
He would scoot his way to school."
Wow! But things didn't stop there,
because later today, Putin invited Biden to have
a public live-streamed chat either tomorrow or Monday.
Somehow, we went from, "It takes a killer to know a killer" to
"You free for Zoom happy hour later?
Just saying, it could be fun. Just a couple palsies."
Yep, it's a busy time for Biden.
Today, his administration announced
that they are sending millions of AstraZeneca vaccine doses
to Canada and Mexico.
That's nice.
We're giving them the one vaccine
that isn't approved in the U.S.
It's like telling a houseguest, "Hey, if you're hungry,
there's a frozen Lean Cuisine from 1989 in the garage.
Don't touch our food.
Go at it. Go at it with that lasagna."
Here's some more big news out of our nation's capital.
As of this week, magic mushrooms
are now decriminalized in Washington, D.C.
-What?! [ Laughter ]
-You can already see a difference with some lawmakers.
Take a look at how they were behaving
before and after the 'shrooms kicked in.
Watch this.
-Let's pass this bill!
The brain is an amazing organ.
-How critical it is that we do something about COVID.
Go smoke some dope and you will enjoy life so much more.
-Fear has become an all-too-prevalent quality.
This is, of course, a picture of
former president Ronald Reagan.
And actually firing a machine gun
while riding on the back of a dinosaur.
-Wait. That's real?
What?! -Some sports news.
Well, everyone is pumped for this.
It is March Madness! That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone is doing their office pools.
Of course, this year, that means
it's you against your wife, your 2-year-old, and your dog.
"Rusty, you picked Gonzaga, too?"
And this is cool -- fans will be allowed in the arenas,
but capacity will be limited.
So to add some extra excitement,
CBS is making the sneaker squeaks 50% louder.
[ Sneakers squeaking ]
"And there's pass from Jennings.
Oh, he's got the easy lay-up.
Jennings has got the easy lay-up!
Oh, rejected out of the..."
[ Squeaking stops ] -Wait.
[ Sneakers squeaking ]
"There is a pass over to Okanuba.
Okanuba passes back to Jennings!
He's down in the paint and he's..."
[ Squeaking stops ]
[ Sneakers squeaking ]
No, don't play it -- I can't. I'm out of breath.
-Please, please.
-Well, this is great, though.
Do you guys remember Sister Jean?
She was the nun who was the biggest fan of
Loyola Chicago basketball team?
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
Well, her school is back in the tournament,
and at 101 years old, she's been cleared to attend the game.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
I love Sister Jean.
She's Loyola's most beloved fan
and their most unforgiving bookie.
You thought a ruler was bad. She walks around with a pipe.
"Contributions a little light this week."
When asked how it felt to be allowed to attend,
Sister Jean said she was "#Blessed."
[ Laughter ]
Sister Jean, yeah.
The team loves Sister Jean.
Before tip-off, she always has
the same uplifting message --
"Have fun out there and don't be afraid to stuff a fool,
you freshman bitch."
What?
That's just...
And, finally, this is pretty wild.
A man in New York was just convicted
of a very unusual crime.
Watch this.
-A man in New York was convicted of illegal trafficking
after keeping live sharks in a pool at his home
and offering them for sale on the Internet.
-Even the sharks were like, "Ugh, an aboveground pool?"
Right now, Vladimir Putin is trying to set up the meeting
with Biden directly over that tank.
[ Russian accent ] Just take two more steps closer.
The Wi-Fi is better there."
[ Buzzer ] Alright.