We do a lot of segments on this show.
And today, I'm going to start a new one.
Normally, I do my segments sitting over there,
but this one cannot wait another minute.
I'm going to do it here, before I get to there.
Today's segment is called, Why and How Come?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Wait.
What?
Why?
What?
Huh?
No.
What?
No.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
You're excited about it.
That's great.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
In this segment, I'm going to talk about things
that don't make sense to me.
That's why it's called, Why and How Come?
Today, I'm going to talk about parking spikes.
You know those things?
The parking spikes?
Yeah, you do.
You've seen them.
Those.
Because someone just said, no.
But you do.
You've seen those.
They're spikes, and then you have
to drive over when you exit a parking structure.
And if you're in the right direction, no problem.
But if you're going in the wrong direction,
it's like a car got into a fight with a wolverine or something.
[LAUGHTER]
So my question is, why and how come?
[LAUGHTER]
I think it's a little aggressive.
I mean, it's like, pay the $6 or we're
going to destroy your car with knives
that come out of the ground.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a parking lot, not the Temple of Doom,
for crying out loud.
Even when you know you're going in the right direction,
sometimes you just get scared.
You get paranoid.
Oh, what if I roll over backwards, for some reason?
Like if the car is in neutral or something, and then I panic.
And then I'm late for work already.
One nail in the tire is going to--
then I've got all my tires just poked.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like Wile E. Coyote set up a trap for your car,
or something like that, when you're driving to work.
They don't have these anywhere else.
They don't even have them in a hospital
where there are free babies.
And that, to me, is where--
[LAUGHTER]
--you should have them.
Although somebody would need to keep the babies away,
because they're spikes, and babies and spikes--
[LAUGHTER]
I'm not going to do it, but someone should.
[LAUGHTER]
You know where we could use those spikes, though?
Because I tried to think of a reason.
Close talkers-- people that are too close to you,
because if you stay a reasonable distance,
then that's fine, nothing to worry about.
But if you're close enough that I
can count your eyebrow hairs--
[LAUGHTER]
Have you ever done that?
Have you ever been talking to someone,
and they were so close, you started
counting their eyebrow hairs?
[LAUGHTER]
I haven't.
I was just wondering if you had.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, this concludes my first segment of Why and How Come?