Now most people get in a relationship
because they're after some emotion not another job true or false
and for most people it comes a job and then many people encourage them to
stay with the job which is a nice thing but wouldn't it be
nicer to have them enjoy the job and not have it feel like a job
and the only way to do that is we've got to rejuvenate the individual
there's nothing worse nothing on earth than two emotionally unfit people put
together because what is a relationship's purpose
why do we get in relationships someone tell me
to grow
to experience love to be happy
to learn deep spiritual lessons
to have someone to to thank you sir very good some of them too
now here's what's interesting everything you would say to me whatever you're
going to say to me about why we get in a relationship
underneath it if you say so we can make a difference in the world together but
why do you want to make a difference because it's going to make you feel
something there's only one reason we get a relationship
to magnify human emotion that's it that's god's gift how many of you when
you're excited about something first thing you think about is who you
want to tell or share it with how many of the related in some way say i
so some people use a friend but the intimate relationship if it's not only
safe but there's real love and passion there there's no greater place if
there's trust if there's respect there's no greater
place for this but the challenge of course is most
people don't have it at that level and one of the reasons again is there's
not that emotional fitness here's what you got to know
people feel they find their center of gravity and then they blame their
partner emotions are a habit and when we go to
relationship all we do is magnify them and then we find reasons to back them up
those people use 9-1-1 as horrible as it was i said to them all
of them you get a feeling you're sad you're going to feel the sad as horrible
as it is that 3 000 people died guess what 4 000 people die of cancer
and heart disease every day in this country
and they're men women children aunts uncles mothers and you're not sitting
around crying about them every day why you're so selective in your
compassion because what we did is focus on it and
then people use that to produce an emotion
that's what people do in a relationship listen i'm here today to talk to the
gentleman in the group but in case any ladies are watching
today as well here's my question for you ladies how many of you cannot stand a
man who can't make a decision how many of you cannot stand the man who
at one point in the relationship he's there for you and now he doesn't feel
present at all how against that a man that can't tell
you the truth and now that i've stirred up the ladies this really a
video for men so gentlemen i know you know there's been women in your life who
have felt in the beginning started much
passion for you and then gradually you guys seem to drift apart and you
love each other but there isn't that same aliveness that same sensuality
or sexuality or excitement together and a lot of men think that's women that
creates it i would argue to gentlemen that if you and i take responsibility
and we dig underneath and we understand what the triggers are
that make women turn off then we can turn them back on and not by
some stupid technique but by the thing that affects most women
the deepest and that is your presence most women are starving for a man who's
present what does present mean it means the man who is right here with
me 100 right now his mind isn't doing 20 other
things and i know gentlemen it's hard to be present
when a woman is talking to you and she's talking about so many things so quickly
very often that don't relate because a woman's brain has
something called diffused awareness it means they take in
everything all at once it isn't multitasking it's literally
transitioning not even transitioning experiencing multiple conversations and
people at one time whereas men tend to focus on one thing at a time
and when a woman starts doing that most men's brains click in and they try to
focus on one thing they can handle and they're no longer present if you're
in your head and you're not connected that woman she doesn't feel that
presence and presence is what opens a woman presence is what
causes a woman to open to you sensually sexually emotionally her heart her soul
the whole nine yards ladies correct me if i'm wrong there's
nothing more powerful than presence when there's real love involved
so and often women respond to a man who doesn't even love them but who's present
for them where they feel like there's nothing
else in the world but me right now and gentlemen you know how to do that
when you're in the zone in sports you are so present
when you're in the zone trying to solve a problem you were so there
and you probably were still there when you were pursuing this woman
but if you can train yourself to bring that presence back on a regular basis
you can own your woman like she's never been on where she will
literally melt to you and i don't think most women who are feminine would argue
with what i'm sharing with you right now if they do
they can not only talk back to the video they can write some comments down below
wherever this thing is posted so what makes women also feel you're not
present is when they feel like you're not honest
and most men are truly honest but they just don't want to deal with what
they call the [ __ ] that must be the technical term right
the [ __ ] they get for telling the truth because she disagrees about it and men
get worn out by words men were happy to resolve it but finally
they'll just say yeah yeah okay okay when you say yeah yeah okay okay and
it's not really okay with you you're not present
so she gets even more animated see most women
they don't want to please her they would like to be pleased
but they don't want to please her a pleaser is trying to do anything he can
to make things work they feel there's no presence in that man he has no
center he has no strength they may like him but it's going to be hard for them
to respect him and if she doesn't respect him there's not going to be a
lot of passion and if him as you that's a real problem
you and i both know whether you're a single man
who's meeting women or whether you're in an intimate relationship
so i thought maybe what i'd show you is one example of how
women perceive dishonesty with men perceive it as just leaving things out
so they don't have to deal with more challenges and
how to deal with it differently and i can tell you that verbally but it might
be better to witness it we were in hawaii recently and there was
a gentleman there sharing with us that he has so much difficulty just
dealing with his wife she wants him to do things like
do the dishes and he says i run a business and if i don't do the dishes
she feel doesn't feel like i love her and i said well then why would you just
do it at times because i do at times but it's
like every time and so she'll ask me you know you know
am i gonna do dishes and i say yes and then i don't do it then she gets mad at
me and i said yeah because there isn't anything
authentic i said why don't you play your wife right now
and let's talk about whatever she's upset about and i'll just be
me but i'll put i'll be you know i'll be myself if i was you
and you'll just watch this little video and it's pretty simplistic
all i basically say is no i'm not going to do it
and he was shocked when i demonstrated this but i didn't do it harshly i didn't
say you should go do these dishes i don't have the delusion that that's
the woman's job i just said i'm not going to do it this is a higher priority
but i also don't think it should be your
problem and i'm committed to working out a solution but i'm not going to do this
and there's some things that you probably don't want to do i don't want
you let's work this out it's coming from a place of congruency
and people can feel when you say what you mean and you mean what you say
versus when you're placating so i know this is third grade at one
level like we all know this intellectually but knowing
intellectually and doing it is the between having a passionate relationship
in a relationship where you're constantly accommodating each other
an accommodation doesn't produce passion it might have a relationship with
there's some friendship but again the only difference between you know a
friendship and an intimate relationship is intimacy
and real exciting intimacy is when people feel your presence
feeling dishonesty you'll take it away so watch this quick little video
real simple and see what you get out of the gentleman and think about if you
might use that same sense of presence that's already inside
you that you use in business or sports with that woman and not let the past
wear it out you might be surprised women very often when they feel that strength
it excites them to see you have a standard and you're not going to be
swayed take it out and then maybe show this
even to a woman in your life and see if she agrees she might say tony robbins is
so full of it that's a bunch of crap my bet is she'll
say yeah smack you on the shoulder that's what
i've been trying to tell you be present with me
and uh instead of you know saying well i'm sorry i'll do better
just deliver it maybe this week is the time valentine's week a time for you to
find your own center the way you do in business the way you do we have a
purpose do that with a woman in your life the
game will change
i've always wanted to know the answer to a question i've been obsessed by the
question of what makes the difference in people's
lives i was not popular in school i loved people
so i was passionate about figuring out what's the difference in people you know
why is it that some people are given
everything you know the type they really do have
parents that love them that are there for them
they have tremendous educational background they have all the economic
resources and they end up spending your life going
in and out of rehab you know they have all the resources and
then you meet somebody who's been you know abused or no one's been there
for them or they've been physically abused or sexually abused or
the worst things you could possibly happen to a human being
and they turn out to be some of the finest human beings you'd ever meet in
your life who are out there working to help other people and make a difference
so we all want to believe that our lives have turned out because of our biography
and the reality is we can all find people with a horrible biography of an
extraordinary life and we have people with an extraordinary biography who have
a life that none of us would want to trade with
so what's the real challenge and i believe that the challenge in
relationships and in life in every area is emotional fitness
that it starts with how emotionally fit you are
in a relationship and there are patterns that make people emotionally unfit there
are patterns that make people frustrated they're patterns that make people
depressed they're patterns that make people angry
they're patterns that make people feel sorry for themselves and they're also
patterns that make people compassionate playful
physically passionate emotionally strong and so i believe number one that the
mandate for any great relationship a mandate for anybody to leave their own
life and not be a follower is you got to see things as they are but
not worse than they are because that's where most people go
that's where they go on relationship that's why they start to tear it down
that's why the relationship starts to break down because
people get scared when is it working out and then they make it worse than it is
so they don't have to try because they don't want to try again and
be disappointed they don't want to feel that sense of rejection they don't want
to feel that sense of failure so most people make it much worse than
it is people tell me all the time oh i'm skeptical or i'm pessimistic i said no
no you're gutless it takes no guts it takes no courage
to be a pessimist to say it's not going to work to try to find out what's wrong
what's wrong is always available so that's what's right so i'm not into
positive thinking but i am into intelligence
and intelligence says see it as it is don't make it worse than it is
many people all the time say um my problem is i'm big bone no you're
freaking fat tell the truth you know what is this big bone story you
know the only way it gets better is if you
can see how it is don't make it worse than it is don't try to make it so it's
impossible to change that's not true it's not true at all the second mandate
i think to changing anything in your life to believe in your life is once you
see it as it is not worse it is then you got to see it better than it is
because that's the thing that's missing from most relationships there's no
vision i mean without a vision in the bible it
says people what perish and when a relationship has no
vision for greater than where they are that relationship is going downhill if
not destroyed i believe that every relationship every
part of life every part of a human being needs a compelling future
if the future is not more compelling than today today could be tough but if
the future is compelling we can get there
and that's what every leader does and every one of you in this room and i know
some of you are here i guess from the general public as
well just for your own relationships i really acknowledge you for
but i know you're from the military here i know the therapists here people from
all walks of life you're all leaders what's
your job to lead your job is to help people see it as it is not worse than it
is what's your job help them create a compelling future see it better than it
is so there's a reason to give my all again
otherwise there's just no juice there's no energy
why they'll go through the motions complain with each other
not really believe it's going to work and nothing will change and then finally
the third step that we've all got to do if we're going to change our life or
anybody else's is make it the way we see it
and that's where strategy comes in i try to take things that are complex and make
him as simple as possible i've noticed most people in
psychological world try to make it as complex as humanly possible
because it makes us feel so sophisticated we can talk with all these
complex words and elements and so forth and we can really you know we got our
degrees and we we're somebody but you know what that
doesn't help anybody so i look for a nickel word to get to the heart of
something i'll try to take something complex and make it simple so that
people really will apply it and that's the focus here