Valhalla is the most glorious and desirable place within Norse cosmology, but it's more
than just Viking heaven.
In fact, it's got everything from endless battle to magic goats.
This is the untold truth of Valhalla.
Sorry, Justice League, but the Vikings came up with the idea of a Hall of Heroes first.
In fact, the word Valhalla means "hall of the battle slain," and that's exactly what
it is: a giant feasting hall in Asgard where all the greatest Norse warriors are brought
by the Valkyries after dying in battle.
Various works of Norse mythology even include descriptions of what Valhalla looks like,
and together, they help give us a pretty good picture of Odin's great hall.
It's described as "gold-bright" due to its roof being covered in shining golden shields,
which line the top of the hall like shingles.
The interior of the hall is full of many feasting tables for the einherjar, that's what the
dead heroes are called, and the great chairs surrounding these tables are forged from breastplates.
The rafters are made of spear-shafts, and the benches are all covered with coats of
mail.
The creaking of these numerous benches under the weight of warriors and gods was said to
create a sound like thunder.
The numerous gates of Valhalla are guarded by wolves, while eagles soar above it.
And outside the front door of Valhalla stands the great tree Glasir, said to be the most
beautiful tree in the nine realms of the Norse universe.
Valkyries are a group of maidens in the service of Odin whose main role is to survey the fallen
on the battlefield and decide which ones are deserving of a place in Valhalla.
In fact, the name "valkyrie" means "chooser of the slain."
And they only take the most distinguished of the fallen, the name "einherjar" means
"lone-fighters" or "army of one."
Valkyries are known to be both beautiful and terrible, as they are ethereal young women
clad in full battle armor and riding through the skies with flashing shields and helmets,
whose presence foretold the coming of battle, death, and bloodshed.
They can protect the lives, armies, and ships of those warriors who find their favor, but
they can also cause the immediate death of those who displease them.
They also have a secondary job, though, that isn't quite as glamorous: waitressing, as
they spend their time in Valhalla bringing the heroes an endless supply of booze and
meat.
Hopefully they get a big tip!
Besides housing the greatest warriors in Norse history, Valhalla is sort of a magic zoo.
In addition to the wolves guarding the doors and the eagles soaring amongst the rafters,
there are three other legendary creatures who call Valhalla home.
The first is a magical boar named Sæhrímnir who has the unenviable job of being endlessly
cooked and eaten before regenerating overnight to provide more meat for the heroes.
The second is the legendary she-goat Heiðrún, who stands on the roof munching leaves from
the magic tree Læraðr.
She needs that sustenance, because her udders actually produce the mead that the valkyries
serve.
"Dilly dilly!"
And finally, sharing the roof is the great stag Eikþyrnir, from whose horns all rivers
flow.
So...that's neat.
While it might seem like the hordes of eternal warriors spend their time in Valhalla eating
magic pig meat and getting drunk on magic goat-udder honey wine served by gigantic warrior
women, the fact is that the einherjar find themselves in Odin's hall for a very serious
reason.
All that drinking and feasting is just their nighttime relaxation.
During the day, the heroes spend their time fighting each other and going on dangerous
quests and stuff.
It's all in the name of training for Ragnarok, the battle prophesied to destroy the world.
Don't worry though: any heroes wounded or killed during the day's training exercises
are magically regenerated each night, just like that poor boar they keep eating and eating.
"Valhalla is ridiculous!
All the dead warriors get to fight again in the courtyard each morning.
And then they all have supper together!"
Not every Nordic person gets to go to Valhalla when they die.
In fact, only about half of the warriors even make it there.
So what happens to the rest?
Well, there's another hall of heroes in Folkvangr, the realm of the goddess Freya, who one-upped
Odin by also making room for the souls of women who died noble deaths instead of just
men.
Still, that leaves everyone who isn't a warrior, and everyone who just died regular old boring
deaths.
So if you were, say, a 10th century farmer who died of old age, what might have happened
to your soul?
Sources are unclear, but the most common suggestion is that you'd have gone to Hel, which despite
its name, isn't actually a place of punishment, but just a regular old afterlife where'd you
do all the same stuff as when you were alive, only in ghost form.
How do you get to Valhalla?
Well, obviously you redden your gore-drenched sword with the blood of many foreign lands.
But let's say you wanted to go there without dying and being airlifted there by a Valkyrie.
Is that possible?
In the oldest traditions, the answer was yes.
Before the influence of Christianity set Asgard and Valhalla up in the sky like Heaven, older
Norse stories suggested that Valhalla was a place you could kind of just...go to, like
Target or your local car dealership.
In one story, for instance, a king named Gylfi visits Valhalla on a fact finding expedition
and meets three other kings: High, Just-As-High, and Third, all of whom are actually Odin in
disguise.
To make things a little easier for modern travellers, though, there's an actual Valhalla
in Germany as well.
Commissioned in 1830 by King Ludwig I of Bavaria, this Valhalla was built in the Danube Valley
as a monument to notable German figures throughout history.
Completed in 1842, it now houses 130 busts and 65 memorial tablets dedicated to the memory
of historic Germans and other German-speakers.
It may not be quite as legendary as the mythical Valhalla, but on the other hand, you don't
have to die to get there, you can just drive.
So we're going to call that a win!
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