We have a great podcast today.
I just feel it in my bones.
Yeah.
There are days where I felt,
"Eh, we don't have the goods."
Oh.
But those turn out to be fantastic as well,
in fact,
What's your point?
My point is we can do no wrong.
We've been blessed by God.
Yeah.
What happened there?
What was going on?
You're fine.
It was just garbage. Go ahead.
No, we were working and this guy,
Aaron Bleyaert,
just darted across the room
and made a crazy motion
and acted like,
"No, don't mind me."
And we are in a special zone.
I was in the midst of talking
about how amazing we are.
We were in the pocket play.
Yeah. What were you doing?
There was a tissue in shot
and you had to get it out.
Yeah. What happened?
I was getting some notes.
When we do this podcast
we talk to the control room the entire time.
I'm already bored.
And they just let me know
there was some garbage on this stool-
But who cares
if there's garbage on the stool?
Don't kill the messenger.
They're telling me to get rid of the garbage.
I go and get rid of the garbage.
Can I just say something?
I don't understand
what the chain of command is here.
I would think
that I am the captain of this tugboat
but I'm finding out that
there are people in other rooms
who are issuing commands.
It's a podcast
who would care if there's some stuff out?
We're just living in a simulation, man.
Can I just be devil's advocate for a second?
What if you see the video
and then there's garbage on the stool
and then you're like,
"Bley, why didn't you pick up the garbage?"
First of all,
why would I ever watch the video
from this podcast?
(everyone laughs)
How bad does my life have to be
where I'm saying,
"Honey, I'm gonna go into the basement
and watch video of my podcast."
So that's number one.
Number two is that
if there's a bottle and some papers
on a stool
in that video,
do you think I'm going to then
go on a rampage?
Yes.
No, no, I would not.
But three,
that's my tissue
and I've got a delicate, little runny nose.
(everyone laughs)
Wait, I just touched your used tissue?
Yes.
Was there's snot on it?
We have COVID protocols here.
You just jumped on a moist,
recently used tissue
in the midst of a COVID.
I have monkeypox.
You know,
I will say when I grabbed it,
I did think,
"Oh, this is kind of wet."
Aww.
You said, "This is kind of monkeypoxy."
You got monkeypox on you.
I'm sorry.
Now he's taking it out of the trash.
Well, don't put it back on the stool.
My nose is running.
Is that even a tissue?
I feel like that's like a paper towel.
Yeah, but regular tissues,
they just fall apart.
I need something a little more robust, you know?
So what do you use for a tissue?
These like hand towels
we have in the bathroom here
are fantastic for blowing your nose.
You're using the hand towels in the bathroom
to wipe your nose?
Not like terrycloth, they're not cloth.
They're just like heavy duty.
No, I use those.
Well, I don't put them back.
What are you talking about?
I think you do
'cause I went in there the other day
and there was some,
and I always like to take off my shirt
when I go in the bathroom
and rub whatever tissue is out
all over my chest.
Wait, I use those now.
I know!
So I'm blowing my nose on your body musk?
Yes.
You rub 'em and then you put 'em back.
I put them back carefully.
And then I blow my nose and put them back.
Yeah.
It's a thing I do
which I was a little reluctant to talk about
'cause I thought I'd be judged,
but I love nothing more
than finding tissues that have been used
and rubbing them over my chest.
It's very sensual and mysterious.
Okay. (chuckles)
Nothing I just said is true.
I don't want people
stopping me on the street and saying,
"Why do you do that?"
I do not do that.
Do you think people thought you were serious?
I think about 18%.
Okay.
Yeah.
'Cause I said it with great authority.
And also, now that I mention it,
it sounds sensual and cool.
And I'm gonna try it.
What if we hear moaning
coming from the back?
(Conan moans)
Don't!
You don't have to do it.
Wait.
That sounded more like a ghost
than someone having an orgasm.
That's a haunted orgasm.
(Conan moans)
What?
Nothing sexy about that.
I know.
I love a ghost having an orgasm.
(everyone laughs)
(Conan moans)
"Don't do as I did in life."
(Conan moans)
Where are they coming from?
What's making them orgasm?
What are they coming from?
The afterlife.
No, like coming as in
C-U-M-M-I-N-G.
Oh. Oh.
I said it and it was a little crass
but what's orgasming them?
Oh, the ghost prostitute.
Yeah.
Oh, right. Okay.
Yeah.
What if ghosts just hang around
and because they can hang around
and just watch everything,
they're totally just getting off.
Right.
And they're creeps.
We think they're there in this scary way
but it turns out they're just loitering.
First of all, they're loitering.
They haven't been invited.
They're in your personal space.
They see everything and they're like
(moans).
"Wait, are you haunting me or are you-"
"No!
Orgasm."
"I'm not haunting. Don't stop."
Yeah.
"Keep doing your taxes."
You're doing the most mundane thing
and the ghost's like,
"It's so hot.
Good.
Declare those dependents!"
(Conan moans)
A ghost that finds mundane things erotic
and is constantly orgasming
while you are just around the house
trying to make some chicken noodle soup.
(everyone laughs)
"Tear the packet that makes the flavor (moans)."
(Conan moans)
Boy, this ghost is really getting it.
This ghost is constantly-
Must be exhausted.
And because he's a ghost
he's never done.
If you know what I mean?
He just goes and goes and goes.
All day.
He doesn't need to recharge.
No.
"I'm ready to go instantly!"
Is that what ectoplasm is?
Yeah, pretty much.
Sorry.
I know "Ghostbusters" is probably your favorite movie,
but I bet you'll never watch it
the same way again.
Are you kidding?
I'll watch it, but not the same way.
Nice.
What?
I love ghost jizz.
Oh, okay.
Then that's fine.
We should get started.
Yeah, we should get started.
This needs to end.
It does need to end.
"Orgasming Ghost."
Cumming soon to a theater near you.
(Sona laughs)