NARRATOR: A familiar scene plays before you:
A lone renegade stands at the precipice of global annihilation...
The grim punctuation to his warrior race.
FREEZA: You know, the funny thing is, *Bardock*, even if you had seen this coming,
there's nothing you could have done about it.
BARDOCK: You don't... You have no goddamned idea.
ZARBON: Mmm, and even if you told every single Saiyan, none of them would have even believed you.
BARDOCK: Just... please stop talking.
DODORIA: And you never even got a chance to say goodbye to your son.
BARDOCK: 'I have one of those?'
(Gasp) 'Oh God, I have two of those!'
FREEZA: Consider this downsizing on a global scale!
You can pickup your unemployment checks wherever you end up.
BARDOCK: GO TO HELL!
FREEZA: See, that was my first guess.
[Mooks yell in terror] BARDOCK: Ah, crapbaskets.
NARRATOR: And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light,
the howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant echoing through his mind,
so ends the tragic fate of Bardock.
...Or so you'd think, if you didn't know a thing about merchandising!
Hit it!
["Time Warp (Rocky Horror Picture Show)"] ♫ Let's do the Time Warp again ♫
BARDOCK: Ah!
'Am I in a bed?'
'Does Hell have beds?'
'You'd think they'd have beds of spikes...'
'or spiders...'
'or spiky spiders...'
'Spikers.'
'Wait... this looks like Planet Vegeta.'
'Only... even shittier...'
'...which is and isn't weird, considering the last time I saw it, it was blowing up.'
???: Hi-ho! BARDOCK: Ugh!
???: We found you unconscious and near-death in a valley not too far from here.
We helped bring you back to health with our magical, healing S.P.U.G. ("spooge").
BARDOCK: Ugh!
???: Super Polymorphic Unleashing Gel.
We brought you to our town in our pleasant, serene, little planet.
My name is Dray. And this is my child, Twopock. [To Twopock] Say hi-ho, Twopock.
TWOPOCK: Hi-ho!
BARDOCK: Ugh!
TWOPOCK: Where are you from?
BARDOCK: There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs.
I despise you both so intensely, that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage.
If allowed, once I am back to full health, I will gut you with an honest to God smile on my face,
and then proceed to paint the home I built with your bodies with your very blood.
DR. DRAY: You hear that, Twopock? You made a friend.
TWOPOCK: YEAAAAAAAAAAA--!
DR. DRAY: That came from my village!
[screaming]
TOOBI: Hello there, inhabitants of Planet Plant!
We are here on a diplomatic mission on behalf of your new Emperor, Lord Chilled.
Pamphlets will be passed around to introduce you to your new, exciting lives as slaves to his Almighty Horniness.
BARDOCK: Really? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two?
I don't even think you killed anyone with those peashooters.
Speaking of which - what models are those? They look ancient.
KAYABIRA: Hey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.
BARDOCK: Oh, kill one of the *sick* ones.
What are you gonna do next? Waterboard the elderly?
KAYABIRA: Look, buddy, we didn't come here to be judged by you.
Ugh-haa...!
TOOBI: Holy--
BARDOCK: Pffff. Amateurs.
VILLAGER: Hooray! Everyone give praise to our new Violent Savior! [Villagers sing "Welcome Christmas"]
♫ Bahoo dores ♫
BARDOCK: NO!
None of that!
Shame on you!
Who needs villagers with their soft beds and S.P.U.G.? Rocks are soft enough to sleep on, right?
...I've made a terrible mistake.
SOLDIER: Lord Chilled! The vital sensors in the blasters of the two scouts you just sent-
CHILLED: Shhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshh...
Continue.
SOLDIER: - have ceased transmission. We believe they're dead!
CHILLED: (gasp) ♪ OUTRAGEOUS! ♪
In honor of their deaths, my men shall now, and forevermore, be given the names of fruits!
Pineapple! Bring us to Planet Plant!
PINEAPPLE(?): ...So am I "Pineapple"?
CHILLED: ♪ YES! ♪
BARDOCK: 'Alright, I think I might've figured this out.'
'This looks like a younger Planet Vegeta...'
'Those two guys were using older models...'
'Maybe...'
'This is the--'
TWOPOCK: Hi-ho!
BARDOCK: Annnd, I lost my train of thought.
TWOPOCK: Hello, Violent Savior. I have brought you bread and fruit.
BARDOCK: I don't want your bread, or your fruit!
But leave the basket!
TWOPOCK: But, Violent Savior--
BARDOCK: LEAVE THE BASKET!
TWOPOCK: (crying)
TWOPOCK: (crying) BARDOCK: 'I swear to God, I'm gonna eat his entire race...'
'Damn it, I filled up on bread!'
TWOPOCK: Here you are, Violent Savior. I have brought you more food that you detest.
BARDOCK: Seriously kid, if you don't start bringing me meat, I am literally gonna shit bricks.
THAT IS A ROCK!
RIZZA: Thank you, Dr. Dray. Your S.P.U.G. has cured my syphilis.
DR. DRAY: You are welcome, Rizza.
RIZZA: Well, back to what I was doing before.
DR. DRAY: Oh, you are just incorrigible.
PAPAYA: Hello. We are the Space Police.
AICE CUBE [off-screen]: Man, f*** da police!
DR. DRAY: Not now, Aice Cube!
PAPAYA: We are here to catch evil space criminals and various other ne'er-do-wells.
DR. DRAY: I can assure you that we have already exiled Chris of the Clan Brown from our planet.
CHILLED: We are looking for the man who assassinated two emissaries from the Frost planet!
DR. DRAY: You mean the Violent Savior?
VILLAGER: All hail the Violent Savior!
VILLAGERS: ♫ Bahoo dores ♫
CHILLED: NO!
None of that!
Shame on you!
I wish to meet this man so that I may reward him!
DR. DRAY: I thought you said you wanted to arrest him.
CHILLED: I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT!
Execute them.
[villagers screaming]
BARDOCK: Sweet. Back to 100%.
I'd go out and eat that whole village right now if I hadn't already filled up on rocks.
TWOPOCK: Violent Savior! My village needs you!
BARDOCK: Ah, Space Christ. What now?
TWOPOCK: Our people are under assault by villians from another planet!
BARDOCK: Why is this place so popular?
TWOPOCK: You don't understand! This could be the extinction of the entire Saiyan race!
BARDOCK: ...What?
TWOPOCK: My people, the Saiyans!
BARDOCK: Oh, no...!
But if you're Saiyans,
and those old-ass-looking blasters,
and this looks like Planet Veget--!
DAMN IT! THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
TWOPOCK: Aah-ah! BARDOCK: Hell with this!
TWOPOCK: I am now bearing your child.
YAAAAAAAA--!
[villagers screaming] CHILLED: That's right! Continue to blow up the houses!
We will avenge my men and take control of this planet!
Also, we want your healing medicine.
DR. DRAY: How did you hear about our S.P.U.G.?
CHILLED: Because of Raisins!
...Raisin is my intel guy.
PAPAYA: Now give us your S.P.U.G. or we'll beat it out of ya!
CHILLED: And I'll record the whole thing!
DR. DRAY: (Whimpering)
PAPAYA: (Choking / gurgling)
{SQUELCH} PAPAYA: (Choking / gurgling)
BARDOCK: Now, I'm sorry I had to step in, but that was just getting obscene.
CHILLED: So, you must be the one who killed my men.
BARDOCK: 'Freeza?'
'Freeza?!'
FREEZA!
CHILLED: Ah-hu!
Hurrgh!
BARDOCK: Urgh!
CHILLED: You wish to wrestle with the grrrreat LORD CHILLED!?
Yet you have not brought your own LEOTARD?!
BARDOCK [muffled]: Urrgh! CHILLED: Worthless whelp!
You make a mockery of Wrestle Wednesdays!
You see, they both start with "W"s. It's alliteration!
BARDOCK [muffled]: Freeza!
BARDOCK [more muffled]: Freeza!
(muffled yelling)
CHILLED: I don't know who this "Freeza" is, but he sounds like a classy lady!
DR. DRAY: Release our Violent Savi--
OH GOD!
CHILLED: These people seem to have a sincere affection for you. What is your secret?
BARDOCK [muffled]: Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon--
CHILLED: I have lost interest!
And now...
♪♫ YOOOUU DIIIIIIIIIEEE ♫♪
TWOPOCK: I must protect the father of my unborn child!
CHILLED: Congrrrratulations...
it's a corpse!
TWOPOCK: Ow!
Oww!
OW!
Ow.
...oowww.
DR. DRAY: No! Twopock!
Damn you... big, small guy!
CHILLED: And now - to finish off the *Saiyan race*!
BARDOCK: 'Wait, hold on... now I remember what I was thinking about...'
'They call themselves Saiyans...'
'And the friggin' blasters...'
'And Planet Vegeta...!'
'And his name is Chilled...!'
'And...!'
'ANND...!'
HEY! You! What year is it?
CHILLED: 2222.
BARDOCK: B.C.or A.D.?
CHILLED: The hell are those?
BARDOCK I'm in the f***ing past (!)
Of all the STUPID!
ASININE!
SHARK-JUMPING BULLSHIT!
[Power-up yell]
CHILLED: What the?! [Power-up yell]
[Power-up yell]
Oh, I'm sorry; I only fight *natural* blondes.
BARDOCK: I... am the Legendary Super Saiyan.
VILLAGER: Yay! We're all Super Saiyans!
BARDOCK: I will eat you!
CHILLED: ♪ Aah-aa-aa-or-r-r-r-r-r-r! ♪
And that, Ladies, Gentlemen and those of unspecified gender, is how you split a banan-
-uuhhhh?!
[yelling]
...Please don't break my butt.
BARDOCK: OK.
CHILLED: Truly?
BARDOCK: No.
[♫ "Ode to Joy" ♫]
CHILLED: You petulant,
CHILLED: You petulant, impudent,
CHILLED: You petulant, impudent, contemptuous
CHILLED: You petulant, impudent, contemptuous whorrrrrre!
BARDOCK: You mad, bro?
CHILLED: A little! Thank you for asking!
BARDOCK: Then maybe you should CHILL!
CHILLED: I'm always Chilled!
...Ohhhh, I get it--
Noo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...!
Beforrre I die... I have one... one more decree...
All of our most... Elite Warriors...
Must... learn... dance... choreography.
Got to style...
all over...
our opponents...
forrrce...
[ECG "flatlines"]
PINEAPPLE [o-s]: Well, call it, Blueberry.
BLUEBERRY [o-s]: Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?
RAISIN [o-s]: Well I'm gonna keep calling you Blueberry.
BLUEBERRY [o-s]: Shut up, Raisin!
NARRATOR: And so, with the evil Chilled put to rest, the unlikely hero made his way.
NARRATOR: And that is the
NARRATOR [fading out]: story of how your GOKU [fading in]: story of how your
GOKU: Grandpa Bardock became the Legendary Super Saiyan.
GOHAN: OK. A couple questions.
GOKU: Sure.
GOHAN: Why did Freeza's Death Ball send him back in time?
GOKU: I dunno.
GOHAN: And what happened to his psychic powers?
GOKU: I dunno.
GOHAN: And why did all the little Saiyans sound the same?
GOKU: I couldn't remember which was which, honestly, so I just went with it.
GOHAN: Well, I'm sorry, it's just... none of this makes any sense.
GOKU: Well, of course it doesn't. None of this is actually happening.
GOHAN: ...Huh?
GOKU: None of this is real!
GOHAN: What are you talking abou--
(Gasp)
PICCOLO: ...Go back to sleep, Gohan.
[♫ "Back in Time" ♫]
♫ Gotta get back in time ♫
BARDOCK: Seriously, you wanna learn how to traumatize a village?
OK. See that kid over there?
VILLAGER [o-s]: Odieby! Noooo!
BARDOCK: Hear that mother?
VILLAGER [o-s]: (Bawling) BARDOCK: ...
VILLAGER [o-s]: (Bawling) BARDOCK: ...*That*... is distraught.
KAYABIRA: You should write a book. You're like a brilliant scientist!
BARDOCK: Well, I am working on this fake moon thing.