BEFORE,
BEFORE, SHE WAS MAKING FUN OF MY TEST.
MY TEST.
MY TEST. >>> ONE OF THE BIGGEST
CHALLENGE FOR PARENTS IS
RESOLVING CONFLICTS WITH YOUR
CHILDREN.
CHILDREN.
CHILDREN. >> SERENA IS BACK WITH DOUBLE
TIPS FOR PARENTS AND COANCHORS
LIKE US TO HAVE CONFLICT --
BACK WITH HELPFUL TIPS FOR
PARENTS IN ACRES LIKE US -- AND
COANCHORS LIKE US.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE
FOCUSING ON THE PROBLEM?
>> WHEN WE FOCUS ON THE
PROBLEM, WE ARE LOOKING AT WHO
IS TO BLAME, WHO STARTED IT,
WHOSE FAULT IT IS, WHO HAD TO
PAY FOR THIS, WHAT PUNISHMENT
THERE IS, WE ARE FOCUSING ON
WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED,
RIGHT?
RIGHT?
RIGHT? WHEN WE DO THAT, IT DOESN'T
BRING PEOPLE TO THE TABLE.
IT IS NOT VERY PRODUCTIVE.
IF YOU LOOK AT A STAFF MEETING,
IF YOU ARE LIKE THE SALES
NUMBERS ARE DOWN AND THEN YOU
SPENT AN HOUR TALKING ABOUT WHO
IS TO BLAME -- YOU WILL FOCUS
ON WE HAVE A PROBLEM AND WE
NEED TO MOVE FORWARD FROM THAT,
RIGHT?
RIGHT?
RIGHT? WE
RIGHT? WE WANT TO SHIFT OUR FOCUS WHEN
WE ARE DEALING WITH A CONFLICT
TO FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS.
THE BLANK PIECE IS PEOPLE ON
THE DEFENSIVE.
THE DEFENSIVE. WHEN YOU FEEL BLAMED, YOU
WONDER WHY.
WONDER WHY. OR MAYBE YOU WONDER WHY IT'S A
PROBLEM.
PROBLEM.
PROBLEM. YOU DO THIS WITH CHILDREN, LIKE
WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR STUFF
ALL OVER THIS PLACE -- ALL OVER
THE PLACE?
THE PLACE? DO YOU THINK I WILL PICK UP
AFTER YOU?
AFTER YOU? THEY WILL NOT PICK UP THEIR
STUFF BECAUSE YOU SAY THAT
UNLESS YOU'RE USING A THREAT OR
FEAR OF PUNISHMENT, WHICH AGAIN
WE FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM AND
MAKING SOMEONE PAY AND NOT HOW
WILL WE NOT HAVE THIS HAPPEN
AGAIN.
AGAIN.
AGAIN. >>
AGAIN. >> YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOUR KID
IS NOT DOING WHAT THEY ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, AND
INSTEAD OF SAYING WHY AREN'T
YOU DOING THIS, THE FOCUS IS ON
THE PROBLEM.
THE PROBLEM. >> OR IF YOU DO IT AGAIN, YOU
WILL BE PUNISHED.
>> WE WILL MOVE TO SOLUTIONS.
WE WANT TO TEACH OUR KIDS TO
IDENTIFY SOLUTIONS TO A PROBLEM
THAT ARE RELATED TO THE PROBLEM
, THAT ARE RESPECTFUL TO THE
PEOPLE INVOLVED, SO THAT DOES
NOT MEAN YOU JUST DO IT, MOM.
IT IS REASONABLE, NOT MAKING
SOMEONE PAY, AND IT REALLY
ADDRESSES THE ISSUE AND MOVES
IT FORWARD.
IT FORWARD. WE WANT TO DO IT IN A CALM WAY.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING REPEATED
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, YOU
PROBABLY WILL NOT SOLVE IT WITH
A LECTURE.
A LECTURE. TALK ABOUT IT CALMLY.
THAN YOU STATE THE PROBLEM IN
ONE SENTENCE.
ONE SENTENCE. I NOTICED WHEN WE COME HOME,
STUFF JUST LANDS ALL OVER THE
FLOOR INSTEAD OF GOING BACK
INTO ITS PLACE.
THAT IS ONE STATEMENT. THAT IS
JUST STATING THE PROBLEM AS
NEUTRALLY AS YOU CAN.
THEN YOU CAN SAY WHY IS IT A
PROBLEM FOR YOU?
THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH IT.
WITH IT.
WITH IT. IT IS A PROBLEM FOR ME BECAUSE
THE DOG GETS INTO IT, BECAUSE
PEOPLE TRIP OVER IT, BECAUSE I
WANT TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON
SPENDING TIME WITH YOU AND IF I
HAVE TO DO EXTRA CHORES, DO NOT
GET THAT PLAY TIME WITH YOU.
>> WHY DOES THAT RESONATE
BETTER WITH THEM?
>> BECAUSE IT IS SAYING THIS IS
OUR PROBLEM TOGETHER, RIGHT?
WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER AND OUR
CONNECTION MATTERS AND I
RESPECT YOU ENOUGH TO SAY MAYBE
THERE IS A PIECE I DO NOT KNOW
ABOUT HERE.
ABOUT HERE. MAYBE YOUR KID HAS TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM THE SECOND THEY RUN IN
THE DOOR.
THE DOOR.
THE DOOR. IF YOU NEED TO COME UP WITH ALL
SORTS OF SOLUTIONS.
CHILDREN ARE GOOD PROBLEM
SOLVERS IF WE GIVE THEM
OPPORTUNITIES TO.
OPPORTUNITIES TO. BEYOND THAT, THEY GET TO TAKE
THOSE WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY
WILL RUN INTO ALL KINDS OF
PROBLEMS WITH OUT IS, WHETHER
IT IS ON THE PLAYGROUND OR WHEN
THEY ARE TEENAGERS AND NEED TO
DECIDE HOW THEY WILL GO HOME.
WE ARE FOCUSING ON BLAME --
SHAMING PEOPLE IS NOT GOING TO
KEEP THEM SAFE, IT WILL NOT GET
THEM OUT OF IT.
IT REQUIRES US TO STAY CALM,
AND IT REQUIRES US TO VIEW OUR
CHILDREN AS CAPABLE IN TRUST
OUR RELATIONSHIP IT REQUIRES US
TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND
REMEMBER THAT PUNISHMENT AND
CONSEQUENCES, WHILE THEY MAY
CREATE FEAR, OFTEN THEY JUST
KEEP OUR KIDS -- THE YET
SNEAKIER -- THEY JUST GET
SNEAKIER AND THEN YOU LOSE THAT
CONNECTION AND TRUST, WHICH IS
WHERE WE ARE MOST INFLUENTIAL
FOR KIDS.
FOR KIDS.
FOR KIDS. >> THAT IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF
A SITUATION WHERE I TOTALLY
SCREWED UP, DOING BLAME.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU?
IT IS THE WRONG APPROACH.
I AM INSPIRED BY THIS.
>> YOU CAN SAY WHEN WE TALKED
ABOUT THAT, I WISHED I HAD
HANDLED IT DIFFERENTLY.
HERE IS WHAT I WISHED I HAD
SAID.
SAID.
SAID. >>
SAID. >> A GOOD EXAMPLE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.