-You're watching WLBZ Channel 2. Bangor, Maine.
Up next, "Maine Justice."
♪♪
-Meet the plaintiff -- Ms. Sarah Ann Tucker.
She says the defendant subletted her house
and ran up the water bill.
She seeks $500 in reimbursement.
Meet the defendant -- Ethan Vandermark.
He claims that the high water bill
was due to a pre-existing leak.
Their fate will be decided according to the unique values
of the great state of Maine.
This is "Maine Justice."
[ "When the Saints Go Marching In" plays ]
♪♪
-[ Cajun accent ] All rise
for your Honorable Marshall T. Boudreaux, baby!
-[ Cajun accent ] Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Alright there! Alright there! Alright now!
Okay, y'all, take a seat!
Y'all take a seat, right here, right now!
Okay?
Alright, here we go!
I'm about to serve up a heapin' spoonful of Maine justice here!
Mmm!
Oh, now, how you doin' today, Jesse?
-Ooh-whee!
This thick, humid air here gettin' to me today, Your Honor!
-Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee!
That is true! We in Maine fo' sure, eh-yeah!
Mmm!
Now, hello, there, Ms. Tucker.
-[ Cajun accent ] Oh, hello, Your Honor!
-Yeah! Yeah!
Say, how's your daughter doin'?
-Oh, she's just fine, Your Honor.
You know, she's goin' to school up there in the Connecticut!
-Oh, yeah?
Well, they got some good schools up there!
You know that's true. That's true.
But I like to think you could learn a thing or two down here
in Maine, as well!
-Hoo-hoo! -Uh-huh!
And, uh, how are you doin' over there, Mister, uh -- who is he?
Vanderkirk?
Huh? Vandermark?
Is that what it is?
Are you from out of town? Is that right?
-That's correct.
Hey, what the hell is going on here?
-Okay! Alright, now!
Okay, here we go! Now, Ms. Tucker?
Uh, what's all this goin' on about this mess here,
with all this here mess now?
-Well, Judge, I loaned this man my house,
and I willfully included utilities.
-Mmm.
-But then, I come back and, hoooo-wee,
he done run up the water bill
like somethin' I don't know what!
-Mmm!
-Okay, that's not true.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You shut your mouth!
-Shut your mouth, boy!
You in Maine now, boy! -That's right!
-Bangor, Maine, baby! -Yep.
-You gonna find we do things little different around here!
-That's right!
You best watch yourself, boy,
or you gonna find yourself hog-tied and tossed into a swamp
full of gators, like that!
-Alligators? In Maine?
-Mmm. -You're damn tootin'!
-Yeah, 'cause this here is "Maine Justice" right now!
-Ooh-whee!
-Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright.
Okay, okay. Order in my courtroom.
Order in my -- y'all shut your butts!
That's right!
Okay, now this man right here -- you all right, Jesse? --
this man right here may not be from around these parts,
but let's see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!
-Um...okay.
Well, my wife and I have always wanted to go to Maine, so --
-Damn right! -Mm-hmm!
-Home of jazz, baby! -That's right!
-Mardi Gras!
Stephen King! -That's right!
-Right.
Anyway, we rented this house,
and I guess there was a leak in the basement,
but we didn't realize it.
That's why the water bill was so high.
-He's lyin'!
He's lyin' like a viper in the red Maine mud!
-I'm not lying!
-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in my courtroom,
we gonna send you off to a lighthouse crawlin' with gators!
-What?!
-Okay, now!
There, there, there, mm-hmm.
Let 'im be, Jesse. Let up.
-Boy, I -- -I know it. I know it!
Don't give me -- hey! -Gators!
-Now, Ms. Tucker, I believe you had a witness you want to call?
-That's right.
I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.
-Alright!
Yeah, okay.
-Yep.
-Mm. There he is.
-Do you swear you're gonna tell the truth
and nothin' but the truth, baby?
-Aww, hell, yeah!
-Okay, alright, there.
Uh, now, Congressman Carrey?
Uh, what did you did see up in there?
-Uh, I seen this fool, he been running his water all day!
-Yeah?
-Yeah, like he's tryin' to drink up the whole bayou
or somethin'!
-[ Laughs ]
-I be like, "Hey! Hey!
What, you tryin' to make a fool out of her?
Laissez les bon temps rouler, my man,
'cause ain't nobody make a fool
outta the good people of Maine, exceptin' the Lord Himself!"
-That's right!
-I don't even know what this little weirdo is saying!
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
That "little weirdo's" an 8-term congressman!
-That man right there's a New England treasure, baby!
-That's right!
Son, I warned you about smartin' off,
and I don't know if you get where you is!
But you in Maine now, boy!
The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup
as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree,
lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!
-What?!
Can someone please explain to me what is going on?
-Okay, alright.
Well, look here, look here, alright?
Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina,
but we don't wanna change our ways, right?
-Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom-exchange program,
baby!
-Yeah, or maybe there's a space-time portal,
and we spend half our time in Maine
and half in New Orleans,
and we've started to mix the two up.
-That's what it is!
-I am so confused.
-Okay, alright, alright, now! Alright, here we go!
I'm ready to make my ruling, okay?
Hmm...let's see.
Mr. Vandermark?
I find you to be guilty of bein' a fast-talkin', water-wastin',
no-good Yankee!
-Praise Jesus! -That's right!
And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the spiciest bowls
of jambalaya you ever seen, you'd ever likely to encounter!
-That's the sentence?
-Whoo!
It's gonna be so spicy,
we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville's airboat
and drag his bare, lily-white butt
across the swamp to put out that ass fire!
Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo! Oh, Jesse!
That's what has to happen!
-The ass fire, the ass fire!
-That's right! -The ass fire!
-Aah!
That's just how we like doin' it down here in Bangor, Maine,
'cause this here...
is "Maine Justice."
Give it to me!
[ "When the Saints Go Marching In" plays ]