this is Porky's on atari 2600 based on
the comedy film from the early 80s it
was one of the early examples of naughty
comedies geared towards adults and
belongs in the same family of movies
like Animal House and Caddyshack
although not as classic and memorable as
those it has its place and all of
today's dumb comedies owe themselves to
it and likewise all today's weird
twisted fucked-up shitty ass video games
oh themselves to this you want to place
[ __ ] this is your grandfather's [ __ ]
what happened
only on Atari it's never a good sign
when you don't know how to play the game
I've fallen into a trap the walls are
dead ends and the water is pure death to
get out of this predicament you have to
use this pole to fling yourself up onto
the platforms but that's not all you
need to collect these blinking things to
build the ladders [ __ ] [ __ ]
get up there for a game console that has
only one button the controls are very
specific while holding the button down
you run into the pole and then quickly
release the button and tap it if that
tap is off in the slightest you'll just
swing to the other side of the pond but
if you do it at the exact microsecond it
will fling you up onto the platform all
right now let's build the ladder
it only adds one link at a time so you
have to wait for another blinky thing to
appear and keep repeating the whole
process until the ladders are finished
there's no way around it you have to
master this pole this isn't even the
golda game this is just to get out of
the trap now up the ladder and there's a
girl taking a shower there is a scene in
the movie where the guys are spying on
the locker room shower but I did not
expect them to include this scene in the
game
why is she showering in a room full of
ladders anyway the shower itself is
suspended in midair as soon as she's in
your field of sight she disappears and a
ghostly figure starts chasing you get
away I'm sorry I'm not a sleazy sexual
predator I'm just a guy trying to escape
the pond that's underneath your shower
room these are some of the most awkward
ladders in videogame history in most
games you go in front of the ladder but
here you have to be on the side and if
you're not in the pixel perfect spot it
doesn't work so this strange woman is
chasing you everywhere she glides
through the air with such power that it
causes the game to glitch as if sending
a ripple through space and time what do
I do with this thing
I tried dropping it on her head doesn't
work tried going up doesn't work I tried
going down really doesn't work and if
she catches you it's back to the pond
believe it or not this whole predicament
in the locker-room closely follows the
movie the woman who's after you is the
coach miss ballbreaker who finds one of
the boys putting his dick through a
peephole in the shower you'd think a
scene like this would get ignored in a
video game but this is Atari and sure
enough the manual says she's out to grab
on to anything she can so don't let her
latch on to you yeah
the character you're playing as is Pee
Wee not pee-wee Herman but peewee from
Porky's which doesn't make sense anyway
because pee-wee's not the character who
gets his dick grabbed not pee-wee Herman
he can grab his own dick but what are we
talking about here
I'll cut the [ __ ] here's what you do
drop the items down the hole the arrow
appears you go up the ladder to street
level where you play some sort of game
of Frogger on acid what the hell are
these things if you get hit by anything
it's you guessed it back to the pond if
you make it across the street it's
another round the shower girl defender
miss ball breaker each time it's a new
item but the process is exactly the same
all these items are part of a master
plan to blow up Porky's bar I didn't
think it had a rhyme or a reason but it
does it just so happens you have to trek
through a woman's locker room that's all
after you've gotten all the items you
progress to the worst part the mother of
all nightmares here you have to climb up
the scaffolding while avoiding porky
yeah now we have porky - not porky the
pig but porky from Porky's the
scaffolding can only be climbed in
certain places it's basically like an
invisible maze one wrong move and you
could fall all the way down where porky
will most certainly get you almost every
time when you make it back to try again
the maze reroute sit self so it's always
different but as your reward when you
make it to the top you get to blow up
the bar what an experience P we had can
you imagine the story he has to tell I
was walking down the street narrowly
avoiding a speedboat a submarine on
wheels a parade of naked dr. Seuss
characters rabid pigs dudes and cars I
fell down into a pond where I swung
around on a pole and built a ladder up
into a girl's locker room shower where
this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my
dick I dropped a bunch of pyro equipment
down the same hole that leads to the
pond but somehow ended up on top of a
bunch of scaffolding where I went up and
finished it all off with the
and that's why you got a loved Atari