- I just, you know,
I can't stop thinking about him.
- You gotta forget about him.
- Yes, banish him from your mind, baby girl.
- I know, I know you guys are right.
I can't keep letting him take up space.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
I should get going.
- Yeah, of course. - Okay.
- Okay, okay.
You can do this. It's not that hard.
You evicted those spiders.
I'm sorry, but you're five mosquitoes behind.
I know. I know you have family. (crying)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay.
- Aww man. Sports, aww balls.
- Chad, we need to talk.
- What's up, babe?
- You have been living in my head,
rent-free for quite some time now.
- Yeah, and I love it here.
Thanks so much for letting me crash.
- No, no, I didn't let you crash.
You just came here, uninvited.
- No, I'm pretty sure you invited me.
- When?
Oh, shit.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure you imagined my biceps bigger too.
Thanks so much, babe. Let's sweet of you.
- Okay, well, you have, you have overstayed your welcome,
and now I need you to go.
- Well like, I don't know, like what if I start paying rent?
Can I stay then?
- I mean, what kind of rent would you even...
(chimes ding)
No. No, these are breadcrumbs,
and I deserve paragraph texts.
- What if you let me live here,
I tell you that eventually we might end up back together?
- No, that is a, that is a lie.
That is only meant to keep me from moving on,
and it'll affect my long-term happiness.
- Okay. Okay.
What if I tell you
that if you continue to let me crash, I'll protect you.
- Protect me from what?
- From going back out there.
(scary music) (girl screams)
The dating landscape.
- That's not, that's not scary at all.
I'm, I'm sure I'll find someone decent in all that fire.
- Oh yeah? (scoffs)
How was your last date?
- Uh, you're muted.
No, you're muted.
- How about now?
- Oh, okay. You're back.
Nope. You're you're muted again.
Yeah, you should see my emotions.
- What?
- Anyways, as I was saying, I love dating on Zoom.
You don't have to waste a bunch of money
on chicks, you know?
No fancy dinners. No nice drinks.
Nada.
- Mmm hmm.
That wasn't that bad. I mean I've had worse.
- Oh yeah? How was the one before that?
- Oh no, yeah. I'm just experimenting. (laughs)
I wouldn't actually want to marry a woman.
(laughs) Eww.
- Hmmmm.
I mean, yeah, that wasn't, that wasn't great.
- Yeah, well you get rid of me, babe,
what do you got, huh?
Who are you gonna pine over?
You're gonna idealize?
- Actually, probably no one.
- What are you gonna do with all that time?
Right now you spent so many hours just daydreaming
about how we'll get back together, eventually.
Do you know how many hours we've spent here
replaying our conversations over and over again?
- I imagine it's a lot.
- It's a lot.
You know, what are you gonna do with all those,
what are you gonna do with all those hours now, huh?
You gonna work on yourself? (scoffs)
Do passion projects?
- Yeah!
- Yeah, and then what?
- And then I'll probably gain
like a ton of self-esteem and confidence.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, if I take all this time and energy
that I'm giving to someone
who clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about me
and then reinvest it into myself,
I mean, who knows what's possible?
- Wait, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.
- Thank you, Chad.
Though I have cherished our time together here,
you need to move out.
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God. It hurts.
- Oh my God, Chad! I'm so sorry!
- Oh my God, babe. It's so painful
- Oh my God, I didn't know it would hurt you.
I'm so sorry!
(both crying and yelling) - Thank you so much!
- Just kidding, babe. Sike.
I'll see you in a couple of years on a lonely night.
You'll be thinking about these biceps.
(bell dings)
- Man, those were some good biceps.
I'm Anna Akana, and thank you to the patrons
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