- Welcome to Bless Your Rank.
My name is Matt and today we are ranking delivery pizzas.
♪ When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie ♪
♪ That's bless your rank. ♪
(upbeat music)
Yeah, I've been looking forward to this episode for a while.
We've been wanting to do pizzas
because they're delicious and nutritious.
They're not.
And we let our supporters in the potluck decide
which thing we'll be ranking on Bless Your Rank today
and they chose delivery pizza, overwhelmingly.
And for that, I thank you and I love you very much.
So the pizzas that we're ranking today are delivery pizzas.
They're really chain pizza places,
but most chain pizza places do delivery.
Maybe they didn't do delivery back in the day,
but now they do,
thanks to places like the Doorhub and the dash grabs.
I live in the woods so I can't get any of these things.
Criteria for today, let's just jump into that.
Number one, this is gonna surprise you, but it's taste.
It's got to taste good. It's food.
Put it into my mouth, down into my belly.
One of the things is crust.
We'll make that number two, the crust, the texture,
it needs to be baked perfectly.
I'm not talking about just the outer ring of the crust.
I'm talking about the bottom of the crust,
it needs to be baked to your perfection.
Number three, have a good layering of sauce
and cheese and toppings.
There's a perfect amount ratio of sauce
to cheese, to toppings.
Bonus, the presentation.
It's delivery pizzas, it was brought to us in this box.
How did it make it from the store to here?
Is your box pretty?
Does it make me happy?
Because I'm gonna look at that box for a while.
That box is gonna go back into the fridge later.
I'm gonna eat on that pizza for several days maybe.
If my wife is out of town, I strategically
buy two large pizzas on Friday night
and then I eat on those pizzas through Friday night,
Saturday and then Sunday or however long she returns.
She's been gone now for two and a half years.
So I've been eating a lot Pizza.
I miss you wherever you are.
I'm just kidding.
She's at home maybe.
Anyway, in the words of the great poets,
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, It's Pizza Time.
(indistinct)
Competitor numero uno, The Pizza Hut.
Let me talk about my history with Pizza Hut real quick
before I dive into this,
because I guess I should be open
and tell you about my experiences with these pizzas.
Of all of them today, probably the darkest history
belongs to Pizza Hut.
It was the only pizza place, chain pizza place
in my town growing up.
I guess it would be the fall of 2003.
I, Matthew Mitchell, received a lifetime ban
from that Pizza Hut.
And actually when I left to college
that Pizza Hut shut down.
So guess what? It looks like it doesn't matter now.
Looks like you got the lifetime ban, Pizza Hut.
Also, by the way, we're doing pepperoni on all these pizzas.
We are not doing just straight cheese pizzas.
I'm not a child. I'm a grown man.
Give me them little peppies.
This looks good, first opinion,
I have not had Pizza Hut in forever.
I can't even remember the last time I had it.
It was in the before time,
which is anytime before March, 2020.
I feel like there's a little bit too much crust.
They stopped a little soon.
But the cheese coverage, the sauce,
the pepperoni, amount of pepperonis looks solid.
Looking pretty good, Pizza Hut.
Here we go.
I miss that. That's pretty good.
I could eat this whole pizza right now.
A medium is like a personal (indistinct) for me really.
This is good.
It's a little flat.
I feel like it should have a little bit more dough into it.
I don't know what it is, but Pizza Hut just always
tastes like Pizza Hut.
Mysteriously forever chewing.
This is like chewing gum.
It could take forever to finish this.
Really good.
It's good, but is it the best that we'll have today?
Probably not.
I got to pace myself, man. Pace yourself.
Pizza Hut, you are in first place.
Competitor number two, Little Caesars.
Delivery delivery.
Oh, Little Caesars.
Little Caesars does deliver now.
Did you know that?
That's a weird fact.
Don't think about it for too long.
There she is.
I don't care for Little Caesars.
I'm pretty confident this is gonna be
the worst pizza I have today.
I only know one person, one person
who says that Little Caesars is their favorite type of pizza
and it is my nephew and he's like eight years old.
What does he know?
He knows that he knows a lot about Minecraft
and (indistinct). That's about it.
But I just remember a moment,
Little Caesars had a moment where it was like
they decided, "Hey, we could make pizzas constantly
"and we just don't stop making them.
"And we sell them for five a piece.
"And let's get a guy to stand out on the side
"of the road with a sign, just going nuts with it,
"just making art with that sign."
I guess it's working out for them,
it's doing pretty well with my nephew so that's cool.
Presentation while I was looking at it,
they didn't do enough cheese on it.
I can see sauce poking out through the cheese.
See there, see that little ripple, see that incision
where the sauce is trying to break through
like a tasted little monster?
I can tell this is coming down.
Look at that. It's like a stress ball.
It's not good.
I just do not respect Little Caesars.
I have no respect.
You know what, Little Caesar,
I'm kind of glad that they stabbed you in the back.
I'm just gonna say it.
Too soon? Maybe.
I'm done. Here we go.
They just kind of flavor it,
honestly, I feel like I taste water in the sauce.
For some reason, I think that this pizza
would probably be its best a day later
after it's been in the fridge and you heat it back up.
Something about that, maybe just the microwaves
give it flavor.
A little healthy radiation would help this pizza.
There, I was really hoping I could come in here
and be surprised by Little Caesars.
I am not.
It tastes exactly like the normal Little Caesars trash
that you get.
Second place, Little Caesar.
That's good, just to enjoy this moment
because it's as good as it's gonna get for you.
Here we go.
Competitor number three, Marco's.
Marco's.
Fun fact about Marco's.
This is the only pizza that I am ranking today
that I have never, ever, ever had before.
I thought this was a Northern thing, a Yankee thing,
which is our sister channel, It's a Yankee Thing,
which is where I just sit down and I rank bagels.
I don't know what you all do up there.
Pizza on the front of the box looks delicious.
One of the first impression I was looking at this thing,
it kind of reminds me of like a Papa John's pizza.
Look at this.
This is the saddest tiniest little piece of pizza
I have ever seen.
I can't be mad because the pepperoni game is strong.
They went all out and this is definitely
a thicker cut than the little nasties over here.
I like them.
That's good. That's just a little bit tangy, it's not bad.
It's not watered down at all.
This is almost like a pasty kind of sauce
you can see on there.
I like that.
Kind of lost me on the crust a little bit
because this particular pizza is a little overcooked.
You left it in there a little too long there, Marco.
This is a nice little secret
that you all have kept away from me.
Marco's Pizza.
And now I'm getting a little sad
that there's not one anywhere near me.
So this, this may be it, Marco's,
just a fling, just a one-time thing
and you have to go your own way and I have to go mine.
And it's best if you don't contact me.
Marco's is in first place.
Competitor number four is,
Oh, no. It's Cicis.
I don't know what to say about Cicis.
If you're really, really hungry,
and you see if Cicis Pizza out there,
the buffet open and just to going,
you know what, you probably are thinking,
"That sounds delicious and I can't wait to go."
You're are gonna go in there and you gonna get your,
you pay for your plate and your drink
and you're gonna have a great time.
I bet you're gonna think that pizza is delicious.
But if you've eaten solid food in the last 24 hours,
you probably don't want Cicis.
There's a time and a place for it
and it's usually on the brink of death.
And now because of 2020 and all the stuff going on
because I don't know if you're aware of buffets,
probably not the best place to go to,
Cicis started doing deliveries.
And no one asked for that
yet here they are.
Wow. This is a sad pizza.
That's a black golf. We didn't order that.
I guess that's like finding the onion ring
at the bottom of your fries.
Crust, non-existent.
It's basically like a sponge fresh out of the package.
The pepperoni doesn't even look like real pepperonis.
And then the sauce and cheese is just a mess.
This thing, Cici, get your life together.
I'm not looking forward to this at all.
Here we go.
Oh God, no, that's gross.
I'm just so mad about this.
This is not pizza.
This is a trash can lid covered in ragu.
I don't want another bite.
This pile of trash is dead last.
It doesn't even look like pizza.
Competitor number five, it's Papa John's.
It's the pizza you want, the pizza you deserve.
I like Papa John's a lot.
I did get burned out on it because where I used to live,
we didn't have any delivery pizza for years
and then finally a place opened up in our vicinity
and it was a Papa John's.
And I was getting Papa John's every week.
I got burned out on Papa John's.
But it's been a while since I've had it now
so I'm kind of excited to get back into it.
And you know what I like about Papa John's?
When I open this lid, I'm gonna show you.
Freebies. Pepper, garlic.
It's like a little happy meal and these are my toys.
Yeah. Let's give this a go.
I got high expectations for this
except for the mysterious wetness right there,
the peak of this pizza mountain.
Here we go. Papa John's.
What I'm I doing? I'm out of room up here.
It's a good pizza.
This is like I'm sitting here just taking bites of it
and I forget that you all are even here.
I just got into the pizza zone.
I forget, the thing that makes Papa John's is the cheese.
I don't know, the cheese is just better than
any other cheese I've had today.
Then I'm just gonna do it.
It came in the box so it's fair game.
Oh, man, (indistinct) garlic butter on everything.
Is this pizza perfection? Absolutely not.
But it's very, very good.
And you throw the garlic sauce on there, it's not even fair.
Let's say it's number one.
Congratulations, Papa, for now.
Don't get cocky, Papa.
Pizza number six, Hunt Brothers.
Faith, hope, love.
And the greatest of these, pizza.
And I know so many of you all right now are like,
"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Hunt Brothers Pizza
"is not delivery.
"That's a gas station pizza right there.
"And you are kind of wrong."
Kind of right.
But because of these food delivery services that exist now
you can get Hunt Brothers Pizza delivered to you.
Why would you do that? I have no idea.
That makes zero sense.
But I'm also not gonna sit here and trash Hunt Brothers
because that would be easy.
That's a low hanging fruit.
Yeah, it's gas station pizza, but I've been there.
I've been out in the middle of nowhere and you're hungry
and your only option is that slice of Hunt Brothers pizza
sitting under the warmer at the gas station.
Buddy, let me tell you, here's the spot,
it gets the job done.
But yeah, you can go to the gas station
and get a full size Hunt Brothers pizza
with the special edition Hobby Lobby box.
I'm gonna go hang this up in somebody's kitchen.
Just look for the one that has the most shiplap
and you get this.
Also, Merry Christmas.
It's late January today when we're filming this.
Seeing all of these Hunt Brothers slices put together
into one box is kind of like seeing the Avengers
come together, but instead of Avengers,
it's just a bunch of really greasy fat guys
coming together as one,
just a group of collection of mats coming together
and calling ourselves the Avengers.
I just know this is not gonna be great.
I'm not that mad at it.
Is it a rubbery crust? Yeah.
I'm talking like Goodyear Michelin type rubber.
But the toppings are a little confusing
because the toppings aren't bad.
The sauce holds up to me.
When the bar is low,
you got nowhere else to go but up, baby.
And that's what Hunt Brothers is out here doing.
I'm gonna finish this whole slice.
I can't say that about these two pieces down here
so I think it's pretty clear where the Hunt Brothers
are gonna go right now?
So Hunt Brothers, gas station pizza is in fourth place
and I feel really good about that.
Where are we? Competitor number seven, Domino's.
So I'm going to be as fair as I can with this,
but I need to be a just,
you know what, it's all about just being open
and transparent with you all because you deserve it.
I'm really tired of Domino's.
It's the only thing near me that delivers
and I've been working from home for 10 months now.
And so I've been eating a lot of Domino's pizza.
I think I'm at the top of the leaderboard
for the pizza rewards now.
I am just two medium pizzas away from owning
my own Domino's franchise.
I'm just grading it by looks.
Pretty good.
Cheese coverage is fantastic.
I see a couple of little saucy packets here, sauce zones.
This is one of the best looking pizzas up here.
All right. You know what, just kind of get that
all in my mind, pretend I haven't had it before
ever in my life, coming in fresh.
Just clean slate, Matt. Be professional about this.
Here we go.
This is okay.
The cheese is good
All right. Yeah. The crust though on Domino's is like,
now we're talking about (indistinct).
That's what makes Domino's standout.
They have the best crust in the game.
For as long as I can remember,
Domino's has always had this,
if you touch their pizza,
you get these little pizza sprinkles on your fingers.
This is Domino's dust.
See this?
So where does it place?
What does it even matter?
Is it gonna change your favorite pizza place? No.
Why do I do this?
Why do you watch this?
Not even why do I do this, but why are we here
on this earth?
I'm stalling for time. This is third place.
Walking it in, third place currently.
Competitor number eight, the final competitor,
Hungry Howie's.
Look at this boy. Look at little Hungry Howie.
I don't like how he looks at me.
I feel like this is one of those Jesus portraits
that my great grandma had on the wall
that wherever you walked around
and Hungry Howie's eyes would follow you.
You the viewer at home,
does he look like he's eyeballing you directly?
Because it definitely feels like he's staring
right into your soul.
My relationship with Howie,
well, we're not together anymore
though we did see each other in college for a while.
And being a college student, I was broke
and Hungry Howie is pretty reasonable.
It's not like Little Caesar's trying to give it away,
you walk up little Caesars and you're like,
"How much is the pizza?"
And they are like, "How much you got?"
This isn't looking great.
This looks sad.
Why is it doing this weird shape?
The crust should be above the rest of the pizza, you all.
That's how pizza works.
The crust should rise up and form a protective barrier.
Structurally, if I were a civil engineer,
I would say this is built perfectly for water runoff
to come down off of.
If this were a Walmart parking lot, A+,
but it's a pizza.
I don't know, we'll just see.
Let's just see if I remember it being,
remember it as, (Indistinct).
Let's see if it is as good as I remember it.
Those were the words that I was looking for.
This is good.
The crust is right up there with Domino's
even though it did this weird thing.
The cheese is like, I don't know,
I don't know what's in it, but it's fantastic.
Sauce is okay.
It's a more of a doughy pizza
so I understand it's not for everybody.
I think Hungry Howie's is in third place.
Papa John's, Marco's, Hungry Howie's.
So here we are.
And for those of you that are just like,
"Oh, Matt's done, the ranking's over."
The jokes on you.
I feel like it's too close to call between first and second.
So it's time for a blind blessin.
Here's one, two.
Now you know which is which.
- [Woman] Yep.
- That's Papa John's.
It doesn't matter, you can blindfold me all day long.
These taste buds don't lie.
Where's my mouth?
I think there's more flavor in a Marco's Pizza.
I'm assuming this is Marco's.
I know. Lock this (indistinct).
Did I get it right?
- [Woman] Yes.
- Of course I did. Of course I did.
Then it's official.
Marco's, congratulations.
You are the best delivery pizza in the game.
♪ Happy happy birthday from all of us to you ♪
♪ Happy happy birthday from the chili's crew. ♪
In conclusion, we learned that Marcos is really good pizza
and you should maybe check it out
if you've got one near you. I don't.
Now I'm thinking about it.
It's like I met somebody new and we really hit it off,
but I don't know when I'll see you again.
If only there was a song about that.
♪ When will I see you again. ♪
♪ When will I taste your delicious taste again ♪
(upbeat music)
Thank you all for watching this episode of Bless Your Rank.
I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did,
although that can't be possible because
I ate like 10 pizzas.
But if you like this video,
make sure you check out the rest of ours.
There's a playlist for more Bless Your Rank
somewhere around my head, but first,
subscribe to our channel.
And if you already are subscribed, (indistinct) thing,
click that bell for some notifications.
Give it a little (indistinct)
I don't think it makes noise.
And that way you'll get it and alert
every time we post a video so you never miss it.
So you could like all those other kids
that are on there first,
and there's like 10 of you that say first,
you can't all be first.
And if you think about it, we're first because
we made the video.
So you're all fighting for second place.
But no matter where you finish,
you're still Better than Cicis.