SWEET EMOJI.
EARLIER THIS MONTH EMOJIPEDIA UNVEILED A LIST OF 250 NEW EMOJI
AVAILABLE NEXT MONTH, BRINGING US EVER CLOSER TO A FUTURE OF
WORDLESS TEXT MESSAGES THAT WILL LOOK EERILY SIMILAR TO CAVE
DRAWINGS OF OUR ANCESTORS.
SO COMEDIAN, I'LL SHOW YOU A SERIES OF OLD SCHOOL EMOJI AND I
WANT YOU GUYS TO TRANSLATE THEM INTO SENTENCES. VERY SIMPLE.
THIS FIRST ONE, NIKKI?
[LAUGHTER] I FEEL LIKE THE AUDIENCE HAS
ALREADY WRITTEN THIS ONE IN THEIR OWN MINDS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> HOW MUCH TO WATCH YOU CRY AND JERK OFF?
>> POINTS.
AND FOR YOU, FREE.
>> I'M INTO IT.
OH.
THANK YOU.
>> RON?
>> BUSINESS IDEA: WHITE POWER CAR WASH.
>> ALL RIGHT.
HEADS UP, THIS NEXT ONE HAS POOP IN IT I THINK.
YEP, THERE IT IS.
RON FUNCHES?
>> THIS IS A MARIJUANA TEXT. I GOT SOME REAL HEAVY [BLEEPED].
PRAISE THE LORD.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] >> POINTS.
NEXT ONE, THE ONE WITH THE RARELY USED SLOT MACHINE.
I HAVE NEVER USED THAT ONE BEFORE.
NOW THIS IS FOUR
SO IT'S ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER ONES.
THIS IS SOME UPPER-LEVEL EMOJI.
DOUG?
>> IT'S THE NAME OF HARRY POTTER CHARACTER: SLOT ROW HORN BATH.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] >> I CAST THE POINTS AT THEE.
>> YEAH, I ONCE SLOTTED IT UP IN A CANOE, BUT I WAS STILL HORNY
SO I TOOK A BATH.
>> OKAY POINTS.
SLOTTED IT UP.
>> SLOTTING IT UP. LOOSE SLOTS.
>> IS THAT WHAT YOU... OH, MAN.
IS THAT HOW YOU REFER IT TO, SLOTTING IT UP?
>> WASN'T UNTIL TODAY.
>> RON FUNCHES?
>> THIS IS THE OTHER SIDE TO THAT SEXT.
I GOT LUCKY IN MY BOAT.
SHE GAVE ME THE OLD LOOPY TROMBONE.
I NEED A BATH.