- I have no shorter fuse with anyone in my life
than I do my own mother.
(audience laughing)
My mom could be like, "I'm forwarding you an article
about the LA Art Deco Movement."
And I'm like, "Why would you do that, Mom?"
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- You all have gotten robo calls
where you pick up the phone and there's like,
"How would you like an exciting timeshare?"
"Oh, fuck it."
And you just, "Hey, it was a goddamn robo call."
But I've gotten a couple of calls recently
where I pick up the phone, and it's a woman's voice,
and she'll go, "Hey, how you doing?"
I'm like, "I'm good."
And then she goes, "So I wonder, oh, hang on,
something's wrong with my headset."
And she'll adjust her headset.
Okay, so it's not just me.
And then, and I'll go, "Oh, that's okay."
And then she'll start talking,
and it's just a recorded pitch for a...
The whole thing is a recording,
including the, "Oh, sorry something's wrong
with my headset."
And three different times I've gone, "That's okay."
(audience laughing)
And then they go into their stupid pitch.
And I then when I hang up, I'm like, "You motherfucker."
(audience laughing) Like, I'm so angry.
"I'm gonna burn your building down if I figure out."
(audience laughing)
'Cause they just tricked me, and I'm so angry.
And also it makes me...
Okay first I'm angry 'cause they tricked me.
Second, I'm angry because what that means
is some robocall company had a meeting
and said, "We can't just have the,
they pick up the phone, and the guy goes, "Would you like?"
We gotta add a little zest and pizzazz to hook 'em.
And then they'll listen to the whole thing."
And the idea... So it means they,
and they found some failed screenwriter,
out-of-work playwright.
And the idea that the man or woman came up with
and got paid for,
the level of drama that came up with was,
"Oh, my headset, let me just adjust my headset."
That's as far as they went.
If you, okay, if you've already committed
to just completely bullshitting me on a robo call,
entertain me, just go for it.
(audience laughing)
Like, when I pick up that phone, I'm like, "Hello?"
I should hear like, "He's stabbing me.
(audience laughing)
Oh God, I'm bleeding out.
He's killing everyone in the office.
I'm hiding, and please listen,
I promised my son when I left today
I would sell one time share in Boca Raton."
(audience laughing)
- My entire family took me to Hooters
to celebrate my 18th birthday.
Now, this was a time in our chain restaurant history
when if it was your birthday,
the entire waitstaff came out
just singing, "Happy birthday to...".
They're banging drums, they're throwing plates,
they got T-shirt cannons, there's confetti.
Everybody knows it's your birthday.
And I didn't want that kind of attention at a Hooters
because I didn't know how I felt about boobs,
especially not other people's boobs.
(audience laughing)
So in the car ride there,
I say to everyone in my family, I'm like,
"You better not tell them it's my birthday,
or I'll kill you."
So we get to Hooters,
and my brother's girlfriend comes up to me,
and she goes, "Guess what?
I told him it was your birthday."
So, I shanked her.
(audience laughing)
God. I was pissed.
I'm all sweating from the Hooters and hot sauce,
and I'm eating my chicken wings all angry
'cause I know what's happening at the end of this meal.
Like, ugh. Oh, sure enough, here comes the boob parade.
(audience laughing) It's just titties, titties,
titties, titties. (audience laughing)
There's eight Hooters waitresses,
and they grab me by the hand,
and they start parading me around the restaurant.
It feels like the gay Salem Witch Trials.
(audience laughing)
They're just like, "We got one!
(audience laughing) We got one!
Gather around, we got one!"
Then they take a bar stool just like this,
they put it in the middle of the restaurant,
and they make me stand on top of this bar stool.
Then all eight Hooters waitresses circle around me
like some sort of satanic ritual.
I'm like, "Am I about to get hanged in a Hooters
surrounded by the thing I think I love and cannot touch?
This is cruel!"
(audience laughing)
So I'm just standing there awaiting my fate,
and all of a sudden I hear this noise, and I look down,
and all the Hooters waitresses
are jumping up and down like this.
(audience laughing)
Because it turned out back then when it was your birthday,
you got to stand on a bar stool, and look down
while titties flopped all around you.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles) This was before the "Me Too" movement.
(audience laughing)
- I was so mean to my mom.
Why? Why are we so mean to our mom?
Why am I still mean to my mom?
(audience laughing)
You guys, and you're like, "I'm not mean to my mom.
I love my mom."
Okay, here's my impression of every single one of you
getting a phone call from your mother.
Okay, here it goes.
Fuck. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) That's it. It's perfect.
It's a perfect impression.
I have no shorter fuse with anyone in my life
than I do my own mother.
(audience laughing)
My mom could be like, "I'm forwarding you an article
about the LA Art Deco Movement."
And I'm like, "Why would you do that, Mom?"
(audience laughing)
You know art deco is, like,
my least favorite architectural movement!
(audience laughing)
Meanwhile, dads get off scot-free.
I remember my dad would call me on the phone and be like,
"Hey son, wanted to come to your baseball game today,
but then didn't."
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, "That's okay, Daddy."
(audience laughing)
My mom's like, "I like that jacket on you."
I'm like, "What about all my other jackets, Mom?"
(audience laughing)
- At work, it's all about being wasteful
with no remorse.
You don't feel a thing. You don't feel a thing.
Have you ever thrown away documents
that you just printed?
(audience laughing)
You just clicked 'Print All'. It just came out.
It's a fresh little stack.
Have you ever thrown away warm paper?
(audience laughing)
It feels wrong.
Feels like maybe you should wait for it to cool down
before you throw it in the garbage.
It just got here. Let it live a little bit.
(audience laughing)
But you don't hesitate
'cause that office life made you a gangsta.
(audience laughing)
- Wait, why wouldn't we do this all the time?
We say, "You made me uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable."
Like we're supposed to be comfortable.
I've never been comfortable once in my entire life.
When I'm about to fall asleep at my most relaxed,
when I'm about to fall asleep,
my body jerks awake like, "Never rest, bitch."
(audience laughing)
We say everything makes us uncomfortable.
Men, women, we say women make us uncomfortable.
That's the one I hate the most.
We say women of color, all the time,
we tell them they make us uncomfortable.
Like a couple years ago at the Super Bowl,
we say J-Lo and Shakira made us uncomfortable.
A couple years before that at the Super Bowl
we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable.
A couple years before that at the Super Bowl,
we said Janet Jackson made us uncomfortable.
I think a lot of white women only see women of color
at the Super Bowl. (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
They're like, "This show is different than 'Friends'."
(audience laughing)
This one makes me so mad
because this, this one, women we say it's family values.
So we say, "How dare those women move their hips like that
in front of my children and my husband. It's immoral."
I don't think that's the word you meant.
I think you meant jealous.
(audience laughing)
"How dare you show my husband
how hips can move like mine can't"?
(audience laughing)
You ever seen a white woman try to twerk?
You ever seen it?
It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk as a real boy
for the first time.
(audience laughing)
- No child is born hating.
You have to teach a child to hate.
All children are good.
All children are born pure.
You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that.
(audience laughing)
Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth.
They're the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fatophobic,
will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on earth, okay?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
You realize human beings,
we have the worst offspring of any animal.
We're the only animal in the whole animal kingdom
that has to raise its kids for 18 years.
(audience laughing) 18 years!
Every other animal is, like, two or three days.
(audience laughing)
Like, birds are like, "I hope you can fly."
(audience laughing)
- So, my parents swear
that when they were in their late twenties,
they were driving through Northern Ontario,
down, like, a winding road through a forest,
and they drove under a moose.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles) They swear.
They swear.
My mom says they were driving down this winding road,
the moose was horizontal in the road,
and they drove under its belly.
It makes me feel in...
I'm like, what are you talking about?
And so (chuckles) she does a sound effect
of the sound of the belly fur of the moose
gently grazing the roof of the car.
Like, just like, "Pfff."
(audience laughing) Can you imagine?
It makes me feel insane. It makes me feel crazy.
And it makes my brother irate as well
because, so the last time I was visiting,
me and my brother were like,
"We need to get to the bottom of this.
Like, we need to find out if this is even possible."
So we did research,
and we found out the height of a Toyota Tercel,
so that's the car they were driving,
so the height of the roof of the car.
We Googled, like, the largest ever recorded moose.
(audience laughing)
And the infuriating thing is
it could just have happened.
(audience laughing)
It could just have happened.
Like, if they happen to stumble upon
the biggest ever recorded moose,
I guess it's possible.
It makes me feel insane.
(audience laughing)
(sighs) Do you think it's true?
Gimme a cheer if you think it's true.
(audience cheering)
Really?
Okay, gimme a cheer if you think it's bullshit.
(audience cheering)
See. I don't know.
I think it says a lot about your worldview.
Like if you, you know what I mean?
If you believe in the moose, you're young at heart.
(audience laughing)
You've retained a sliver
of like, childlike enthusiasm about life.
And if you don't believe in the moose,
you're, look, it's been a tough couple years.
(audience laughing)
It's been tough.
- And you know what happens, ladies?
When you get drunk, you become so annoying.
(audience lightly laughing) Do you notice?
I don't think you notice.
You get so annoying, yeah?
And what do you wanna do when you get drunk and annoying,
and you're reaching for the turn-up?
What do you wanna do?
Do you wanna keep turning up? No.
What you wanna do, you wanna check in with us, yeah?
(audience laughing) In the afternoon.
Leave me alone. I'm playing Call of Duty.
(audience laughing) Leave me alone, yeah?
I'm playing Call of Duty in the afternoon.
Leave me alone because I'll be honest,
and I'll tell you this for free,
when we are out with the guys,
we don't wanna check in on you, we don't.
(audience laughing) We don't.
You know what it's like, guys.
You're gonna check in. "Man, I'm gonna call the missus."
"Bruv, don't do it."
(audience laughing) "Why?"
"She'll spoil the fun and tell you to come home."
"Okay, I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it."
I'm playing Call of Duty with my friends in the afternoon
online with people all around the world,
and you wanna call me up from the brunch drunk
with your annoying self?
Yeah. "Hello? Hello? (audience laughing)
Hello. Is that the bitch pussy old boy, hello?
(audience laughing)
Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Hello?"
"Oh, babes? Babes.
Babes, I'm playing Call of Duty right now, babes."
(audience laughing) What's wrong? What's wrong?
"Oh, you're playing Call of Duty, okay.
Alright. I'm a soldier man. Ah, okay.
(audience laughing) The soldier, man.
So what are you doing then?
What time. What's going on?
There's the Call of Duty game. What's going on there?
What's happening in that thing, man?"
"Babes, I'm saying I can't really talk right now
'cause we're about to go into the gulag,
so I can't really talk right now."
"I'm saying, yeah, fuck the fuckin' gulag, yeah?
Yeah, okay. Listen what I'm saying, yeah?
I'm at the brunch, yeah?
(belches) Okay. (audience laughing)
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
No, Prosecco. Gas me up. It gas me up, Prosecco.
You know that shit is.
Ha, ha. Listen, yeah?
I'm here, yeah? And I'm not gonna lie,
I'm a bit drunk here.
And you know what, yeah? Ha, ha, ha.
(audience laughing) Yes, yes, yes.
That's on period.
(audience laughing) On period.
Can I say something, yeah?
I'm a bit drunk here, and you know what, yeah?
I'm feeling horny. You know that?
(audience laughing)
So what are you saying, Call of Duty man?
Huh? What are you saying?
You're gonna blow out my back.
You gonna do that, yeah? Ha, ha, ha!
Are you gonna do that, yeah?
"Babes, can I call you back in a bit?
Listen, the game's gonna start.
I'm about to go into the gulag."
"So what, you're playing Call of Duty, yeah?
Okay, pussy old boy. All right.
Okay. Pew, pew, pew.
(audience laughing) Pew, pew, pew.
Hold up. Wait a minute.
It's a pussy out."
Get off the phone, man. (audience laughing)
Fucking idiot.
Such a idiot.
- I'm angry on behalf of all women
that a man like you thinks he can wear an outfit like that
and come to a party and fuck a girl like me.
Not gonna happen. (audience cheering)
I'm angry that after everything we've learned
as a society altogether,
men and women alike, and everything in between,
all together, everything we've learned
about the imbalance of power,
and what abuse women have been subjected to
that men aren't just walking up,
and the first sentence out of their mouth is, "I'm sorry."
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)