GoodTimes Entertainment may have cashed in on more popular things,
but they didn't DIRECTLY rip things off, and their animation was at least...
Ehhh...
So, I thought I'd dig even FURTHER into the cesspool, and pull out something...
amazingly much worse! This is Lion and the King!
♪ [repetitive MIDI music] ♪
This is one of those things that even AFTER you've seen it, you still have trouble believing it exists!
This is...
This is real!
...apparently.
So if you're wondering WHY this movie I'm about to review is on a PlayStation disc,
Well, let me answer THAT by saying:
I DON'T KNOW!!!
Okay, I sort of know HOW it happened;
I just don't know WHY anyone thought regular PlayStation discs,
AKA CDs, were a good medium to play movies off of!
Though considering the QUALITY of this movie, in EVERY ASPECT, it's quite appropriate.
This was brought to us on PlayStation by Midas Interactive under their "Pocket Price" line,
which pretty much sums up WHAT Midas Interactive is: a budget title publisher.
And yes, "IS"! Not "WAS"!
As they are still putting out budget titles today!
...apparently.
At least their website is still UP, and was updated in 2013,
and they did titles for the Wii and the DS, and even got to put out Dynasty Warriors 2.
Midas Interactive started up in the Netherlands, and one of their goals was to offer original titles, which...
I GUESS this sorta... kinda... is?
What it's NOT is a game!
What their scapegoats were for slapping these movies onto a PlayStation disc were these crappy,
ssslightly interactive extras.
*weak boinging*
*popping*
Glad they chose sound effects that we're REALLY up this film's alley!
*boing, boing, pop*
SO! You get a colouring book, which...
...is SLOW AS FUCK.
Though you CAN adjust the speed and the options with the "mouse meter"...
...of course! That should have been obvious!
The colouring book is just a flood fill with whatever colour you select,
which is all I expected out of it.
The colouring book also includes the nice bonus of NOT being able to back out of it,
despite the books SAYING you can,
and you have to RESET to get away from this stupid colouring picture!
Then there's something at least a LITTLE closer to a game:
a slide puzzle.
Whew! I was worried the fun might start!
A bunch of these look like they got confused if this was the colouring book or the puzzle,
as they left the lion blank!
(sarcastically): I REALLY think THAT'S what's going on! Get MAAAD!!
Of course, what's REALLY going on here is quite amazing:
these pretty low-quality screencaps used for the slide puzzles and colouring pages
are actually taken from the anime version of Kimba the White Lion.
Kimba being what a lot of people claim The Lion King took ideas from due to quite a few similar ideas showing up,
and even early concept material from Disney depicting a white lion cub.
It's even believed that The Lion King started off as a Kimba the White Lion remake,
but when Disney didn't get the rights, they just left in a bunch of the ideas.
Now whether you believe The Lion King ripped off ideas or not,
we know for SURE Lion and the King did,
and that THEY sure as hell DIDN'T have the Kimba license!
To use screencaps of IT to pretend THAT'S what Lion and the King looks like!
It's always a good sign you have to steal material almost FORTY YEARS OLDER,
because YOUR PRODUCT looks SO GOOOOD!
Also, adding even MORE confusion to this crap is there are PS2,
and even a few DS releases of some of these movies by Phoenix: ANOTHER "Super Budget" company!
I don't know if they actually had any connection to Midas, but they were also formed out of the Netherlands,
but UNLIKE Midas, they closed up shop in 2009.
Now, their PS2 version of Lion and the King...
called something else...
actually USES shots from this stupid movie rather than Kimba!
Soooo.... do you actually want to see what this film looks like?
DO YA?! 'Cuz I'm not sure that you actually do!
♪ [generic jungle music] ♪
I'm going to die before this review is over!
And I don't mean I'm going back to that worn-out joke; leave THAT to To Boldly Flee!
Now that you've had an example of what PRETENDS to be animation in this film,
Let me tell you exactly where this came from,
because OH YES, there's more backstory here!
This, and many other cheap knockoff, BARELY-animated films,
were produced by a company called Dingo Pictures.
And with a name like Dingo Pictures, where ELSE would you expect them to be based out of, but...
GERMANY?
They've primarily copied, OF COURSE, a lot of Disney pictures,
but have also knocked off some of Don Bluth's films as well.
There is NO QUESTION they have SET the STANDARD for NO QUALITY in EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE in a cartoon,
while SOMEHOW managing to get out to the SOMEWHAT-mass public!
On PLAYSTATION!
I think the only area unfortunate enough to actually get these on DVD was Germany.
*exhale*
All right.
Let's do this.
Gopher #1: There was a silence in the jungle again.
The—
Old lion was the animals' king again, and the BAD panther was driven OFF!
NOPE! Can't do it!
OH MY GOOOOOOD!!
Gopher #2: You remember the black panther who gained power in the jungle.
Phelous: NO!!! I DON'T!! Why would I remember that?!?!
Gopher #2: And... it was the—
[silence]
Animals owed it to little Robin's cleverness.
[complete and utter silence]
*pathetic sobbing*
(imitating gopher): "Was owed it to little Robin's cleverness."
Good boy!
OKAY, cardboardy voice acting is one thing,
but flubbing the— a line and just leaving it is ANOTHER!
And they've done it TWICE within the FIRST THIRTY SECONDS!!!
Gopher #2: And... it was the—
[silence again]
Animals owed it to little Robin's cleverness that they could CHEAT, and drive away the panther.
Phelous: Wait, so it was the... animals owed it to little Robin's cleverness that they could CHEAT??
What fucking PRICKS!!!
Why are you so HAPPY about this, you stupid bi— rode— SHIT?!?!
Panther got cheated, yo.
Gopher #1: The other animals forgot about the panther, and life was going on as uuusual.
Phelous (as gopher): Uuuuuuuusu—
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
(sarcastically): So while The Lion King had its grand opening with that whole Circle of Life NONSENSE,
Lion and the King knows it's ABOVE such cheap tactics as its story and presentation will speak for themselves.
*violently coughing* Ahem,
That's why they can have STUMBLING RODENTS explain "Something happened before!" and follow THAT up with:
barely coherent asshole monkeys arguing the TIME with a hippo!
Dumb-sounding hippo: I want to sleep! Why can't anyone sleep around here—
High-pitched monkey: Pause for lunch! It's only 12 until 2 o'clock!
Asshole monkey #2: But it's already 2:00!
Hippo: That's not truuue!! It's three-and-a-half minutes to 2!
*bonk* *splash*
[obnoxious laughter]
*RIP!!*
♪ [wah-waaah!] ♪
Crocodile: Heeelp! Heeelp!
King Not-Mufasa: LLLLook at that. My son is hunting other animals.
*inhale*
Phelous (as King): I'm not sure if I'm angry, bored...
[deep breath]
or just short on breath!
King: YOU were supposed to watch him, so that he doesn't... get up to any nonsense! Bring him back!
Phelous (as King): Clearly, if he's hunting crocodiles, you can stop him,
biiiiiiiiiiiiird!
(as bird): Hey! You'd better stop doing that!
*squawk* *chomp!*
(as King): Whooooooa!
[inhales]
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.....
ck!
Not-Zazu: It's not so simple as that; after all, I'm not—
*growl*
I'm on my way, I'm on my way!
So, what are you guys amazed by most so far?
The... "animation", the "voice acting",
or the blatant character design ripoffs?
I AM at least impressed with their ability to redraw the Lion King characters in crayon,
and then try to hide it with the most pixel-y compression ever!
Also, I'm pretty sure this is ADULT Simba having HIMSELF as a SON!
So no wonder he's so...
Uhhhhh.....
...whatever emotion he's attempting to convey about him.
Though maybe he'd cared a little more, as child-version of himself wouldn't have had his nose disappear,
and be replaced by an ass!
[disgusting diarrhea noises]
[loud laughter]
I'm a comedic genius, right Mario?
Phelous (as a gravelly-voiced Mario): It's-a me, Mario!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
That's what Mario says!
It's hilarious when you just repeat lines with no joke to them!
HYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Not-Simba: (with feminine voice) Are you crazy? I nearly overran you!
Phelous: Are we sure this is his SON??
Okay, yeah, I guess the alternate title of this movie is SON of the Lion King,
so apparently we ARE,
it's just with only two voice actors, whatcha gonna do?
Not-Zazu: (nasally) You have to go back to your father immediately!
(also nasally): If you plug your nose, it's an AMAZING voice!
Not-Simba: What's the matter, daddy?
King: Robin, you are hunting our subjects! That's not the behaviour for a future king.
Phelous (as King): And what the hell's that bear doing ruining my shot?
I'll hunt him!
No, just kidding. I can't mooooove.
Robin: I was only playing.
Crocodile: Right, it was just a joke!
Phelous: AAAAHHHH!!!! TELEPORTING GATOR!!
Croc: We're just friends.
(with awkward delivery): OH! I guess they ARE just friends!
King: Mmm, even if it's just a joke, it's not done.
Phelous: Oh, well, I guess you can't argue with THAT!
Next time there's a HORRIBLE joke, just say "it's not dooone"!
Obscurus Lupa (from To Boldly Flee): We have a saboteur on board.
Nostalgia Critic: A tiger? Lupa: Not a SaberTOOTH!
King: Mmm, even if it's just a joke, it's not done.
You MIGHT also be noticing that the lip flaps are often nowhere even remotely close to what's being said!
That's because, and you'll be shocked to hear this, they were lazy in ANOTHER aspect!
Oh.
[dull gasp]
As mentioned, these movies originally came from Germany, so yes, they were in German first,
and the dubbing process was just to speak the semi-English lines,
And if they SORTA matched, they did, and if they DIDN'T, well...
(as King with bad lip-synching): Tough luck, buddy. Even if the lines could match, it's not dooone!
Play another game, OKAAY?
King: Joke here, joke there, I don't like it. Finished!
Play another game!
...OKAAAY??
Phelous (as King): I'm speaking the words, but I sure as hell don't actually know the meaning behind them...
...OKAAAY??
Phelous: OKAAAY??
King: ...OKAAAY??
Phelous: OKAAaay...
Croc: It's not easy when your father's the king.
Phelous: We've all been THERE!
King: Don't go far away. Don't forget about the black panther.
Surely, he wants revennnge, YES.
Phelous (as King): Just my overly evil warning for the daaay!
Either that, or I'm trying to be Beast Wars' Megatron.
Megatron: Yeeeeeeesssssss.
Robin: Come on, Dundee.
Phelous: THE CROCODILE'S NAME IS DUNDEE?!?!?!?!
[pressure rising]
*pop!*
That's probably not good.
Robin: Let's play with our ball.
♪ [MIDI polka music] ♪
*kick*
♪ [MIDI polka music] ♪
...That was a COCONUT.
(dripping with sarcasm): SUCH NATURAL MOVEMENT!!!
♪ ♪ ♪
*chomp*
Phelous: There goes the game! Thanks, Dund-hole!
AAAHH! Just... STOP!! EVERY DAMN frame of this is WRONG!!!
I...
I think we need to go on a break, Lion and the King. I just...
I can't do this review right now!
♪ [wah-waaah!] ♪
(stoned out of his gourd): I feel much better now, I'll continue to watch this movie now, yeeeeeeesssssss?
(normally): So while arguing over a BANANA,
the subject of these STUPID monkeys having worked in the black panther's DIAMOND MINES gets brought up.
Yes, seriously! That's the plot.
Dundee: And then the panther took the... diamonds from him.
Robin: Hmm. Where are the diamonds now?
Phelous (to the tune of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King"): ♪ Oh, I just can't wait to be rich! ♪
♪ 'Cuz wealth really matters to lions, somehow! ♪
♪ This doesn't ma-ake any sense! ♪
♪ But who cares? We'll do it anywa-ay! ♪
*burrrp*
Stupid Monkey #1: Let's ask the vultures!
Phelous (sarcastically): Oh... yeah... THAT sounds SMART.
Monkey #2: After all, they were his spies!
Phelous: Oh! They worked for the guy you cheated and drove out of town?
Well, by ALL means then! They must LOVE you!
Robin: Hi! Um, do you know what happened to the panther's diamonds?
Vulture: Why? What happened to the diamonds?
Phelous (as Robin): What happened? (as vulture): What happened?
(as Dundee): What happened? (as Not-Zazu): What happened?
(as King): What happeeeened?
Dundee: When he was chased away, he didn't have the diamonds with him.
Vulture: Really? He took the diamonds to a hiding place that same evening!
Phelous (as vulture): And we're surprised, then immediately not!
Robin: A hiding place, that's cool!
Now, I know exactly where I'll hide THIS:
the FUTURE!
Nah, just kidding, that's stupid. I'll throw it in the dump.
Robin: You're gonna look for a treasure. Do you want to join me, Dundee?
Dundee (with iffy Aussie accent): Sounds good to me!
Phelous: Wait... Are you supposed to be AUSTRALIAN now, Dundee?
Don't you think ACCENTS are expecting a bit much out of these guys?
We still haven't even grasped "UNDERSTAND THE MEANING of WORDS"!!
(as King): OKAAAY??
Not-Zazu: Ya lost something?
Robin: No, we haven't lost anything, but nevertheless we want to find something–
Dundee: We want to find the panther's treasure.
Not-Zazu: The panther's treasure?? Surely you're not allowed to do THAT!
First, I have to ask the king before you go on a search!
[dull giggling]
Phelous: Well... that wasn't really a funny situation AT ALL!!
But what the hell.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee...
Hee.......
Hee.
*snoring*
Not-Zazu: Robin's gonna find the panther's treasure!
King: The diamonds! My GOD!!!!!
Phelous: Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttt!
....ffffft!
...ffft! Ffft! Ffft! Fffffffffft! .......Ffft!
King: The diamonds! My GOD!!!!!
Dr. Lanyon (from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde): Oh my GOD!!!
King: My GOD!!!!! Lanyon: Oh my GOD!!!
King (again): My GOD!!!!! Lanyon (again): Oh my GOD!!!
♪ [Tchaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet Fantasy Overture"] ♪
Phelous: Ooooooooh! You DO have a walking animation!
.........Yeah, you really shouldn't have.
By the way, did you know there were cacti in the jungle?
King: Stop immediately! Do we have to watch you every minute of the daaay?
Phelous (as King): You know I'm not down with this whole "be a responsible parent" thing, Robin!
Phelous (as Robin): Shut up, Batmaaan!
Phelous (as King): MAH GOD!!!!! [music sting]
Robin: Panther here, panther there. because of this CRAZY panther, I'm not allowed to do anything!
Maybe he's dead already...
Gopher #1: But the panther wasn't dead.
Phelous: Oh, well, thank you for that wonderful build-up!
I was truly on the edge of my seat during that awkward fade!
Gopher #1: Not far away from the border, he had his headquarters.
Phelous (as Gopher #2): Headquarters? Who the shit are YOU foolin'?
He's sitting by a cliff with sand up his aaaaaasss!
(as Gopher #1): Where if you're gonna be THAT way, I don't even want to FINISH the story!
(as Gopher #2): Okay. DONE.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!
Sounds good to meee!
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee
Hee... hee... heee... heeeehhh....
[inhale, then exhale]
...Two-parter.
♪ ["Oh Phelous" rock instrumental] ♪
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I killed my sanity!!!
By watching Lion and the King! Nyah!!