Hey guys the fact that there's a video today is a feat,
the reason I say this is because yesterday I had an accident.
A contractor came over to repair one of life's basic necessities.
*as contractor* "Alright sir, so I can get you a quote. Can I get your Email?"
So I responded with attempting to give him my email.
V...i
But then I started feeling super dizzy, so I tried to call for Lainey to finish giving him my email while I stumbled off to bed.
"Lainey, can you tell him the rest of my..."
and then somehow I guess I wound up on the floor.
[soft music plays]
But, of course, not without first bashing my head on the side of the windowsill.
[song] The harder I fall...
There is no clip for that, it would be too painful for me to re-enact.
[cheerful music plays]
*As Lainey, in sarcastic voice* Oh no, Greg....
*As contractor* Oh! You're seizing out. Okay
[William Tell Finale Overture "March of The Swiss Soldiers" plays]
Also notice there's no costume changes, because it hurts putting on and taking off my clothes.
Anyway, so while I was knocked out I saw this little hallucination.
I'll try to give you an idea of what it looked like with my editing ''skillzzz''
[creepy music with demonic noises]
Yeah...pretty scary.
and then I woke up laying on my bed.
*whoosh* [serene music plays]
With my shirt more than halfway up my chest.
*woosh* [serene music continues]
Turns out the contracter offered to carry me to my bedroom.
I'm an anorexic vegetarian. [Laughs]
Anyway, so he said...
*As contractor* "There we go now he is all in bed and stuff."
And then she said....
*As Lainey, in sarcastic voice "Oh no, nooooooo"
And then he said.....
*As contractor* "Okay, so just give me a call when you want my services."
And then she said
"Okay"
Anyway, so that's why I didn't upload any videos yesterday, because I was bed-ridden.
Considering how ill I've been as of late....probably having something to do with my trip to LA.
Let's go ahead and tell the sickest jokes we can, shall we?
Pulling up the ''internets'' for ''original'' material
What's eighteen inches long and makes women scream all night?
Crib death...
*music stops*
Where do you find dogs with no legs?
Right where you left it! [Laughs]
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire. [laugh]
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
That's just... no.
That's terrible.
Why do women wear makeup AND perfume?
Because they're ugly and they-- [laughs]
Because they're ugly and they stink.
Yeah, well, men stink and they don't seem to do a lot about that.
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys in your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a... coat hanger.
*music stops*
Woooooow.
What's the best part about sex with a five- year-old?
Watching him break down on the-- oh my god...
Lainey can you finish this one?
-*Lainey stammers* I-- no [laughs] -I can't say it, you gotta say it!
-Lainey: Watching him break down on the witness stand. -[Greg laugh-cries]
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my penis. -unimpressed-
How do you stop a baby-- ohhhhh
*stammers* I can't even-- I-- no. I'm not reading that one.
I just refuse.
What's the difference between acne and a pedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face till you're 12.
*music stops*
Wow.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer to the kitchen counter.
Y'know, cos one to two inches makes a world of a difference, you chauvinist piece of crap.
That deserves a sloth.
What's the difference between a luxurious fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don't lay down on a luxurious fur rug when I'm masturbating. (lol Greg mispronounced "fur)
*music stops*
Yeah.
What's the worst thing about having sex with a five-year-old? (oh God not again)
uuuuohhhhmygod [laugh]
*to Lainey* Can you read the punchline?
-Lainey: Oh my god! No, n-n-no, no
Okay, I guess we'll never find out what the answer to that one is.
What does a tightrope walker and a young man getting a blowjob from his Grandma have in common?
Neither look down. Uh-huh..
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can't grow real sand, yet-- *sighs*
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
*music stops* -Greg frowns-
Actually, I'm pretty sure that's to pull them out. (correct)
Mmkay?
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
How do you stop a black kid from bouncing on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling. That's cute. That's really....
*sarcastic* That's really appropriate.
Okay guys, thank you so much for watching SICK JOKES.
If you have an offensive joke, by all means leave it in the comments below.
Boobie squeeze!
*Onision theme* O... ni... si... on!
Thanks for watching!