like shaming and blaming my body for like it didn't look this way it wasn't perfect
that way I don't like that this is my ass is bigger my thighs are bigger I don't have boobs
like the other girls like all the [ __ ] I'd said since I was like what 12 or 13.
I was able to finally be like oh my God like thank you
today I want to talk a little bit about body image because it's a constant struggle I think for
everyone and I know everybody touts online like you know body love body acceptance body positivity
and I agree 100 but as as a woman as a person who's worked with eating disorder patients for I
don't know 15 years I wanted to be honest about my own process so that if you're struggling you know
you're not alone and hopefully it kind of helps normalize what you've been maybe going through
now to take you back I remember Middle School probably being the first time I
was ever really aware of my body and they might laugh I have to laugh because if you
don't laugh what do you do just cry all day but I remember being really self-conscious
about the fact that a lot of my friends got boobs and I didn't I mean as a 38 year old
thank God because like heaven help me but I was super self-conscious about it and I remember
saving up my money to go buy a padded bra because I didn't want to tell my mom that I
wanted one because she was like you should love yourself honey like super supportive and loving
but I was like uh no you're not listening I don't like this and I'm not happy right and so I would
do my own to like make it work for me and it was around that time that I remember also purchasing
my first two-piece swimsuit and God bless my mom we probably spent two hours at probably a Sears
because I grew up in Illinois as like our closest Mall Sears or JCPenney you know and we looked and
looked and looked and looked and I hated them all and this one made my butt too big and I didn't
like my legs at that point and it was just this in it was again one of the first experiences it's
like burned into my brain of me being aware of how I looked physically and actually caring about
it and judging my body for doing what it was doing and so that's probably let's say me like 12 or 13.
flash forward to High School I started getting extremely involved in sports and that was great
it was a great builder for my confidence and also for friendships because all I played soccer and
softball primarily and then basketball for a short period of time and those are all team
sports right and so it was great because I had a bunch of people around and we could talk about
those things and I think that's really important for all of us is to be able to talk about our
insecurities and talk about the things that were not liking liking because at least I didn't feel
alone with it right and I talk about that all the time how important it is for us to not feel
alone but that was really pivotal for me in my life at that time but there was also this like
flip I don't know if it's like a switch that was flipped but something changed where I was
like I feel better when I'm working out because I Associated sports with working out and so when I
got super stressed about getting broken up with from a boyfriend whose name I won't mention he
probably doesn't watch us anyway but um we dated fruit I mean like a month but you know in Middle
School slash high school that's like your whole life you're like oh my God and it was horrible
and I was devastated when I would get upset or stressed out I would go for runs and if any of
you've been watching me for a long time back in the day people would always ask like well how do
you really understand Eating Disorders like it seems like you really get it and I think
it's because of that that relationship that I had with exercise for probably
six years was not good like if I was maxed out I would go for these crazy long runs and
I'm not gonna obviously mention any numbers but I would just like keep extending the amount that I
had to run until as a therapist I realize and even in my work in therapy I realized that it
was due to the fact that I would go until I was so tired that I couldn't think about
anything anymore it would just exhaust me and then when you're running if anybody's ever run
you can't even almost can't really think about anything else because you're in the process of
doing it and so it became this like crutch and it wasn't until I probably around when I met Sean
um and my dad passed away that my therapist was like I think you need to evaluate your
relationship with exercise and I was like get the [ __ ] out I don't want to hear from you I
don't even know how to deal with what's going on I'm already maxed out you know there's times when
you like hate your therapist but you love them at the same time and I think that's when they're a
good therapist but anyway she challenged me to like not go running for a week and I was like
again get the [ __ ] out I made it like two days three days and the anxiety that I felt
and it's the the overwhelm was like too much and so of course she was like well that's really
helpful and I was like [ __ ] please it's so so uncomfortable for me I hate this very much and
um I don't even know what happened but I remember I worked at this place called Jack and Jill's in
Santa Monica and I think it was do you ever just feel like the universe is just looking out for
you there was a guy that came in there and he came in there every day he was super friendly
um I don't think he was hitting on me or anything he's just a nice guy and me and another guy that
worked there he was like Hey I'm teaching a class upstairs for yoga it was at the time it was called
Brian kest's Power Yoga East it was the studio on Fifth and God I love that place and he was like
you should come up and try it out and I was like I'm a runner dude like I don't know about this
like hold this thing for like 30 seconds like that just does not sound like something I want to try
and he's like give it a try he's like my class is really approachable I'll help you make sure
you're not going to hurt yourself you know he's like you're a runner you need to be stretching
your hips out and I was like okay so the guy that I worked with he was like let's try he's like I've
never done it either we'll be the dummies in class we'll be fine we'll be in the back and
so we went up to take the class and when I tell you it was [ __ ] life-changing I I have runs
since then but so minimally and I think it was the fact that instead of tapping out I was able
to tap in and instead of like shaming and blaming my body for like it didn't look this way it wasn't
perfect that way I don't like that this is my ass is bigger my thighs are bigger I don't have
boobs like the other girls like all the [ __ ] I'd said since I was like what 12 or 13. I was
able to finally be like oh my God like thank you you can do this for me you can hold this pose you
can be present you can breathe you can see like as the teacher he kept like calling to like aren't
you grateful that you have feet think of people who don't have feet aren't you grateful that you
can like Focus right now and you can breathe and you can be with me like what a what a joy
what a beautiful thing this is and it sounds silly to be like oh it was such a life-changing moment
but instead of beating my body up and shaming it for not doing the things that I that are frankly
just vanity I was able to be grateful for what it can do and what it has done and that really like
I mean what altered the way that I look at my body and I think it's made me a better therapist
because when I started working the eating disorder treatments uh field one of the uh jobs that I took
was at this treatment center and I had to work in this I had to run this group because one of
the girls just like last minute quit and they're like Katie you're up you have to run this body and
soul group and I was like Bonnie and soul like what the [ __ ] does that mean and she was like
you know like really ship with your body and like body image and I remember thinking like
I don't know anything about that like I'm still like grappling with my own [ __ ] um but it was
so incredibly healing and one of the things that I would have people do is write thank you letters to
their body because we so often are just mad at like how it looks like one of my close friends
is struggling with long covet and she was telling me the other day she was like you know I've been
shaming and blaming my body for like you don't fit into these jeans and your stomach is like bigger
than it used to be she's like I'm just yelling at myself all the time she's like Meanwhile my
body's like fighting a war I don't know anything about because now I have this like immune response
that's happening and she's you know recently got diagnosed with something she's like can't
I just be grateful for the fact that it shows up for me every day and offers me the support
that I need and I think it's those messages and those things that I personally need to remember
I need to recall like um yesterday morning I'm trying to like think early in the morning like
chasing me a great day because I'm gonna do this and that and then I get to do that and like just
walking my mind through where I want to focus that day and the other day I woke up and I was
a little sore because I did yoga and I was like God thank you back for like holding me in place
and not like going out of alignment and not making it so I can't walk thank you feet for being able
to do this like thank I have my Mobility that's a beautiful thing not everybody has that I can see
you right now I can breathe I can feel this this is all amazing and my body does all of this stuff
even with me [ __ ] talking at 24 7. amazing right and I think just if that can be helpful to any of
you that like you don't have to love your body every day I'm not saying I wake up and I'm like
well thank you Walter you're so amazing some days I'm like I feel like [ __ ] [ __ ] and I
want to [ __ ] talk myself all day and maybe I do because I'm not a perfect person but
I am grateful for the fact that I got coveted in March Sean and I both did
I never lost my taste and smell thank God I was I didn't have to go to the hospital I recovered
um I also am able to do yoga three times a week I'm able to go swimming with my friends I'm able
to go to the lake and have Roxy try to climb onto me and Claw my eyes out and I'm fine you know
there's there's things that my body does every day and even if I treat it poorly and talk [ __ ] to
it it still shows up for me and sometimes I just need to be reminded that I need to show up for it
and it's still the work in progress I'm 38 years old and I I am happy to tell you that
it does get easier but as you get older it just changes because some of the things you used to
be able to do you can't and then I have to offer my body a little bit of Grace because I'm like
hey your knees kind of hurt because you're 38 and also you beat the [ __ ] out of it in your teens
and 20s so like good luck you know like I've done things I've had injuries and I pay for those now
but I have to thank my body for showing up for me and trying anyways and letting me push through and
so don't forget to thank your body because right now it's breathing your heart is beating it's
regulating all sorts of things that you you know I'm not a doctor so I don't understand all of the
inner workings but I know our nervous system and it's doing a [ __ ] ton of work just to keep us
calm and present and here and managing everything that's happening in our world and and yet we get
up we go about our day and it does that and so sometimes we have to be grateful and I just want
you to know that if you feel like but I'm supposed to be body positivity I'm supposed to love myself
we're just supposed to work on it right we're all under construction in some form or another
and it's okay to just be there and I think as soon as I accepted that it's not perfect and
that I can't control everything and it's do my body's doing the best it can the
the better I feel you know and the less [ __ ] talking I do do and I catch myself quickly when
I'm doing it like even this morning I was putting on jeans because who likes
jeans nobody and I was like these don't feel right and I was like don't go there
snap out of it like slap yourself in the face I was like you know it takes me a good day you
know just change the subject think about something else um yeah I know that's kind of rambly probably
doesn't make any sense but that's just my process and that's where I'm at and that's where I've been
and hopefully that just helps remind you that if you're having a tough body image day or if
you [ __ ] talk yourself you're not alone and if if I can catch it if I notice it and I try
to change the conversation doesn't have to be a positive one this has to not be so shitty
um and I can thank my body for one thing that it does without me making it do it I'll feel so
much better so maybe that's helpful I would love it if any of you have tools and techniques and
things that have really helped you like honestly earnestly leave it in the comments because we can
learn from one another as we all work to be more kind to ourselves and each other have a great week