- Did your parents do a good job or did they mess you up?
Are you messing up your kids,
or are they gonna be all right?
How can you and yours fix the past and live your best lives?
Attachment theory in early childhood holds the answers.
(upbeat music)
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
The two things people in my office talk about the most,
are figuring out how their relationships with their parents
affect them to this day, and their fear
that they're going to get it all wrong with their kids.
These are common concerns.
Look, I came from a happy home and I'm still worried
that I'm going to wreck my kids emotionally
and destroy their future through poor parenting.
Folks, I'm not gonna go all cliched therapist on you
and claim that everything about you
traces back to your childhood.
Not everything is riding on the performance of the parents.
And the belief that it does, triggers anxiety,
shame and in decisiveness in ourselves,
as we raise our own kids.
A million different interactions and learning experiences
and our responses to them, shape us as we grow.
Nevertheless, it is true that the quality of our attachments
as children, provide the starting point
and chart our initial course for what our self-esteem
and relationships will look like in the future.
Understanding why you are the way that you are
for better or for worse, can help you become the happiest,
most balanced version of yourself.
Understanding whether your efforts as a parent
are harming or helping your kids, can help you to keep doing
what you've been doing or make adjustments.
Attachment theory in early childhood
provides that understanding.
So, we're going to talk about what attachment theory is,
as it relates to children,
how to make sense of your childhood,
and how it affects your adulthood, and how you can make sure
that your kids are securely attached.
In the 1940s, British Psychologist, John Bowlby,
observed the behaviors of children who had been separated
from the person they were most connected with,
usually their mothers.
Of course kids rely on their parents for food,
shelter and safety.
Their physical survival depends on their ability
to attach with an adult who will take care of them.
But it goes beyond just staying alive.
Bowlby observed that a child's emotional well-being
was also dependent on their connection
with an adult caretaker.
Kids who saw their parents as available, attentive
and affectionate, often had a strong sense of self.
They could be on their own, make new friends and explore,
comfortable in the knowledge that their parent
or attachment figure, would be there when they needed them.
Kids who saw their parents as unavailable, inconsistent,
absent, or harsh, would search for the parent,
follow and cling to them, and cry out until the parent
was attentive and present, or until the child
would become worn out and gave up.
So what does all this mean for you and your kids?
How can you make sure that they feel loved
and confident instead of clingy and hopeless?
We'll get there.
But first, you need to know what happened next.
Mary Ainsworth, a colleague of Bowlby's,
propelled our understanding of attachment forward,
with her experiment called, "The Strange Situation."
In this experiment,
infants played with their mothers in an observation room.
A stranger would enter the room and interact with the child,
during which time the mother would slip out for a time.
The children's reactions when their mothers returned,
is the key to everything.
Some of the children would be alarmed or upset
once the mother's left, and upon their return,
would run to them, upset, scared or hurt
for being left alone with a stranger, understandable.
However, they would allow themselves to be soothed
and return to play on their own relatively quickly.
Other children, ran to their mothers for comfort,
but would then refuse to be comforted,
at least for a good long while.
They seemed to intend on punishing their mothers
for leaving, switching between clingy and angry behaviors.
Still others did not act stressed
that the mothers were gone,
at least not consistently stressed,
and gave their moms the cold shoulder when they came back,
refusing to interact or play with them.
From this, Ainsworth theorized that there were three types
of attachment, one secure and two insecure,
called anxious and avoidant.
In the decades since, researchers have largely confirmed
her findings.
Securely attached children, have parents or caregivers
who are openly affectionate.
The parents are available for their children's needs,
express understanding and empathy
towards their children's feelings,
are positive and quick to give genuine praise
and provide loving structure in the form of rules,
consequences, and instruction.
These children tend to feel safer to explore the world
on their own, make new friends, try new things
and proceed in life with confidence.
As they grow up, they're more likely to experience
healthy relationships defined by emotional vulnerability,
trust and trustworthiness.
They're also more likely to succeed academically
and in their careers.
Anxiously attached children, have parents or caregivers
who are inconsistent.
Sometimes the parents are loving,
sometimes judgmental and harsh.
In Mary Ainsworth's "Strange Situation experiment,"
these children desperately held onto their mothers
and refused to be comforted, seeking closeness
while punishing the mothers for leaving.
Sometimes the parents are present, nurturing and supportive,
other times they're withdrawn,
denying bids for attention and critical.
As a result, the child doesn't know when or how
their needs are going to be met.
They become clingy, insecure to explore the world
around them, fearful to make new friends,
and constantly in need of assurance
that the caregiver will not leave them alone.
They tend to struggle with self-worth.
As they grow up, they're more likely to not prioritize
themselves in relationships, allowing themselves to be used
and taken advantage of in order to not be alone.
Avoidant children,
have parents who are negligent, detached or dismissive.
In Mary Ainsworth's "Strange Situation experiment,"
these children were the ones who seemed unaffected
by the parents absence and ignored them when they returned.
Because they cannot count on their parents
to meet their emotional needs,
these children develop a lone wolf mentality,
in which they distance themselves from others
and self-sooth.
They often becomes so independent and emotionally detached,
that they struggle to form and keep meaningful
relationships later in life.
A fourth attachment style emerged in later studies.
Children with a disorganized attachment,
have parents who are chaotic,
alternating between frightening and soothing the child.
This attachment style, usually occurs following trauma,
abuse or neglect.
The child craves closeness, but is terrified of it.
Because to grow close to someone,
is to give them power to hurt you.
Wanting desperately to be securely attached,
the child blames the adult's behavior on themselves,
so that they believe that they can fix it,
and that their attachment figure, really is decent and good.
The adults often reinforce this, blaming their own behavior
on the child who internalizes a great deal of shame
and belief in their own unlovability.
These children often grow up with chaotic,
unstable relationships, in which they are constantly
drawing people near only to push them away.
They demonstrate cycles of intense love
and affection followed by intense rage.
If you grew up with secure attachments
and have maintained that style throughout your life,
good for you.
Count your blessings, you're in the minority.
If on the other hand, you grew up with insecure attachments,
and this is all hitting a little too close to home,
there is hope for developing healthy relationships,
undoing the damage of the past and loving yourself.
A skilled counselor can help with the process.
As for your kids, they need you to be consistent,
affectionate, available, supportive,
instructive and boundary setting,
but not harsh and critical.
If you're like me, you worry about long work hours
keeping you from being available, and human weakness
keeping you from being as nurturing as you want to be.
To this I say, first of all, that research shows,
secure attachments are more about quality of the bond,
than quantity of time spent together.
Children whose parents accurately assess
and lovingly respond to a child's bids for connection,
and actually listen to them,
will have children who are securely attached,
even if they don't have as much time together
as they would like.
And if you are sometimes short-tempered with
or detached from your children,
they will likely be resilient,
provided you take ownership of your behavior
instead of blaming them, and show an increase of love
to repair and mend hurt feelings.
Now I want to hear from you down below in the comments.
What was your childhood like?
What do you think was your attachment style?
Have you continued on that path, or have things changed?
Or, if you have questions for us about attachment theory,
healing from the past, or raising your own kids well,
let us know in the comments below,
and we'll happily address them.
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Here at Mended Light, we're invested in helping you
heal yourself, so that your light can shine to the world,
so that you can be the happiest, best version of you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist,
and I'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)