- How do you set boundaries in a long distance relationship
when you're not in the same space to clear the air
when things need to be cleared or to make up,
if you know what I'm saying, when you need to make up?
How do you do that?
Well, I'm here to tell you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, Licensed Therapist with Mended Light,
and I dated my wife long distance for six months
before we got married,
so I've got some experience on this.
Let's do this.
It's Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
So back in 2009 is when my wife and I met.
She was in Texas, I was in Alabama.
Her uncle and my dad were friends and said
that we should start talking,
and we were both single.
She was a divorced single mom,
and we weren't in the same place,
which she actually really liked.
She liked that, she says it made her feel safer
that I couldn't come knock on her door.
If I was a weirdy,
I couldn't be like peering through the bushes
or following her around.
I guess that had happened sometimes.
She's pretty so stuff like that happens.
- [Joe] I'm not bothering you, just checking in.
- But we had a really great experience
'cause it was six months of casual conversation
that wasn't especially romantic.
It was just getting to know each other.
That snowballed into, it was two phone calls a week,
to a phone call every other day, to a phone call every day,
to several phone calls a day.
You know, this was before there was a lot
of video chat options.
And at several phone calls a day,
and we did that for six months, and because,
you know, there's pros to a long distance relationship.
A lot of people don't think there are.
They're just like, oh, this is hard.
This is rough.
But really when you remove the physical component,
it clears the waters.
- Do not touch this.
This is a no touching zone.
- 'Cause for a lot of people, when you get physical,
you feel very attached, and you feel very in love,
and it's hard to know what's real and what's not.
And because we had nothing to do but talk to each other,
we got a chance to really know each other.
And then I invited her to Alabama for the 4th of July.
I wasn't sleazy.
I wasn't like, hey, come stay at my place.
Like, I found a family for her to stay with,
but I took her out and took her on dates,
and that's where we had our first kiss,
and it was wonderful.
What I loved about the long distance relationship was
that chance to really get to know her.
♪ Getting to know you ♪
♪ Getting to know all about you ♪
- And then it got really difficult
because she was still in Texas and then she was in Utah,
and at this point we had met, we had kissed,
we were together.
And it went from, hey, this is fun, low pressure,
getting to know each other to I miss you.
I actually want to be physically close to you.
I want to be in the same space as you, and hold you,
and tell you about my day, and ask you about yours.
There was this pressing need and it got costly
to fly back and forth across the country
before I finished school,
and then we got married.
It was hard because she was taking a lot of credit hours
in school, and I just wanted to talk to her all the time,
like an eager puppy, just desperate for her affection.
You know, when you come home and your dog is like ecstatic,
like that's every time I got to talk to her.
- [Dug] I have just met you, and I love you.
- But if she talked to me as much as I wanted
to talk to her, she wouldn't have been able
to do all the work that she had to do, all the schoolwork,
and she was a single mom.
She had to attend to that too,
so some boundaries had to be drawn.
As well as, what were her needs, what were my needs,
and what were the rules of engagement?
Because I was really good friends with an ex-girlfriend
and was still hanging out with her, you know.
So let's talk about how to draw boundaries.
I'm gonna tell you from my own experience,
as well as, just some knowledge as a therapist.
- I think it's time that we set some boundaries.
- First of all, texting is for flirting
and for communicating basic stuff.
Do not text important boundary drawing conversations.
Because one thing that doesn't come across in text is tone.
And when it's something that you, or the other person,
or both could be very sensitive about,
when people are sensitive, when they're insecure,
we're more prone to misinterpret texts and to see them
in the worst possible light and to interpret them
in the worst possible light.
Hop on a video call, right, hop on a phone call.
Again, texting is for flirting
and communicating basic information.
Don't have these important conversations over text.
It can go really, really sideways,
and I've seen that happen a lot.
- [Woman] Are you at the top of a tall building?
Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump off.
- The second thing is it's harder to reassure a person.
Drawing boundaries is already a precarious situation.
Saying, hey, I love you, or I care for you,
but I can't talk to you four hours a day, five hours a day
'cause I've got this and that like,
it's a situation where someone's feelings can get hurt
or hey, I'm gonna be out of service for a few days,
or, hey, I need to study for this final.
You know, I may not be able to talk to you
for a couple days other than a quick check-in.
It's a precarious situation where people are prone
to feel unloved, rejected, not prioritized.
- Love me.
Love me.
- And so the best way, you know,
you're not in the same place, you can't hug somebody,
but you can have a face-to-face.
Drawing boundaries looks like staying connected while making
what your needs are very clear.
Can't talk to you much for a couple of days
'cause I'm cramming for this final.
Make sure during those couple of days, I miss you.
Can't wait to talk to you on Friday.
Can't wait to breathe again and to connect with you.
What are the boundaries
of what other relationships look like?
If you're long distance,
I've never seen a couple who was long distance
who that was their long-term plan,
it's always a short-term plan.
We are in relationships to share our lives.
We are in relationships to hold people close,
to be connected.
- 'Cause we're connected.
(tires squealing)
- It's hard when you're in the military
and you get called overseas, right?
It's hard when your job takes you away from home a lot.
There's a lot of infidelity that happens
because long distance is hard
and people want someone to hold.
So number one, make sure when you're together
to make the most of it.
Don't get wrapped up in other projects.
Don't get wrapped up in other interests.
Be all in and all about each other when you're together.
Fill the canteen as it were.
♪ And I miss you ♪
- And the next thing is be clear about
what expectations are.
What's the finish line?
When are we going to be able to spend our lives together?
Or if it's two months off, one month on,
like, is that the life we're settling into?
Is that what I'm signing up for?
Is that what I want?
Be very, very clear.
And if things are shifting,
don't avoid those conversations.
A lot of people don't want to upset their partner,
but when they hold it inside or they just try and deal
with it here, it just gets worse.
And mistakes are made, sometimes very serious ones.
In my case, I was very good friends with an ex-girlfriend
and we hung out all the time, and that was great,
but it started to feel a little too cozy,
and I backed off a little bit,
and I did that because I was engaged.
And when I say a little too cozy, like, nothing happened,
but it was just very familiar, you know?
And there's a history there, and Alicia was cool
with us being friends and hanging out,
but I was like, it's time to draw a clear boundary
that I'm not seen out and about with an ex-girlfriend
'cause that could hurt my fiance.
People talk.
- Hello?
- If someone says something bad about you,
you'd want me to tell you, right?
- So in your case, what do other relationships look like?
What do other friendships look like?
Are you getting needs met there that should only be met
within this relationship?
If so, it may be time to draw different boundaries, right?
Not just with the person that you're dating,
but with other friends,
you know, with other people that you're close to.
If someone is serving as a replacement for your partner,
that's not a healthy place to be,
and you need clearer boundaries there.
Again, nobody that I know of
gets into a long distance relationship,
and that's the long-term plan.
You ever see "Pirates of the Caribbean"?
The third one, where Will Turner's,
he's the new Davy Jones, right?
And he's like sailing the seas
and he can only come ashore once every seven years
to be with his wife.
And I always thought that was such a sad ending, right?
That Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley get
to see each other like one night every seven years,
and she's got to be faithful to him, and that's, you know,
that's like really beautiful on paper,
but I feel really sad for her to raise their kid alone
and see your husband once every seven years.
That's why the fifth movie,
the ending was so satisfactory when they're reunited.
But this is why, once again,
when we're talking about boundaries, what is the timeline?
What is the plan for us to share our lives together?
What does that look like?
These are conversations to have.
The Beatles were wrong when they said,
"All You Need is Love".
You also need trust, you need intimacy, you need friendship,
you need to be in the same place
at least a fair amount of the time.
So what's the plan?
- I love it when a plan comes together.
- Have those conversations.
Don't just trust, well, we've got love, so we'll be fine.
'Cause the deeper in love you fall with somebody,
the harder it is if it doesn't work.
Have those conversations now.
These are my ruminations and thoughts on
how to establish boundaries, set boundaries
in a long distance relationship.
Speaking of relationships, and making them work,
and setting boundaries.
How long should you date someone before you get married?
What does the research say?
Check out the video right here.
You're gonna want to take a look.
If you enjoy Mended Light, share it with your friends.
Like, subscribe, click that little bell, ring-a-dingy,
because that's how you're gonna
get notified every time we've got a new video
and I don't want you, as Aerosmith sang, to miss a thing.
♪ And I don't want to miss a thing ♪
- Until next time, I'm Jonathan Decker.
This has been "Ask a Therapist",
and oh, here comes the video.
Here it comes.
Look, look, watch.
You know you got time.
You're just sitting there on the toilet scrolling anyway.