Hey there!
Ready for a story of terrifying wedding nights, sex taboos, and a veritable dearth of sexual
education.
Let's talk about the shocking reality of Victorian England's wedding nights.
Can you imagine getting hitched, not knowing how the whole "doing the deed" thing works,
and then being so freaked out by it all that you run back to your parents asking for an
immediate annulment?
Or thinking that babies come out of the bellybutton during labor?
Or what about the wild idea that getting pregnant can only happen, after getting married?
It sounds crazy, but it was a real thing back in the day!
Despite what you might have heard, sex in Victorian England was definitely happening.
The upper and lower classes were more open about it, while the middle class gave off
the impression of being super prudish.
The thing is, talking about sex was so taboo that many people, especially women, went into
their wedding night uneducated about the basic mechanics of intercourse and procreation.
And speaking of wedding nights, a woman was expected to be a virgin on her big day.
The idea was that sex was for married couples to bond and procreate.
Anything else was seen as sinful.
Contraception was also out of the question.
But here's the twist, it was understood that the husband, especially if he was wealthy
or working-class, would have some sexual experience from frequenting prostitutes.
Let's talk numbers.
By the late 1700s, there were over 10,000 prostitutes working the streets of London,
spreading both diseases and sexual knowledge.
Meanwhile, their middle-class brides were largely clueless about the sexual aspect of
marriage and their own reproductive health.
And it's not like they had sex educzation in school, because that was definitely not
a thing.
Women were getting married in their early twenties and, believe it or not, many full-grown
women didn't even know where babies came from; and even less about what they were going to
experience in the marriage bed that ended up making those babies!
Education on sexuality for women in the Victorian era was quite limited!
Can you imagine only finding out about the nitty gritty details on your honeymoon?
Yikes!
But, thankfully there were some options available where women could learn a thing or two before
the fateful night.
It seems some ladies learned from their gal-pals and family members, but there's not much solid
evidence to support this idea.
Others might have picked up a sex manual, but those were more like cryptic puzzles than
actual guides.
I mean, how do you make sense of a such a thing as a wedding night diaper, (recommended
presumably to protect the bed linens from blood), if the reader is not even aware of
how her marriage will be physically consummated.
In later Victorian years, there were sex manuals that had scientific information, but they
were kept under lock and key, likely intended for the education of young lads.
No word on whether the gals got to take a peak.
This means that a lot of women may had gone into their honeymoons totally in the dark.
And speaking of honeymoons, those were a whole different ball game compared to the romantic
getaways we think of today.
Couples would spend 2-3 months together, but privacy was a luxury they didn't have.
According to some research based on honeymoon diaries and correspondence of 60 newly married
couples of the Victorian Era, there's very little mention of sexual activity in their
diaries and correspondence.
This is probably because sex wasn't a "proper" topic for discussion, especially for a lady
writing in her diary.
Plus, the honeymoon was about more than just consummating their marriage, it was about
transitioning from strangers to spouses.
Interestingly, the 19th century novelist Charles Kingsley and his wife waited a whole month
before getting intimate, and it seemed to work out great for them.
But, on the flip side, some marriages may not have been consummated due to a lack of
education.
As the poet from the same time period, John Addington Symonds puts it, "We leave them
to imagine what they like about nuptial connection...then we fling them naked in bed together, modest,
alike ignorant, mutually embarrassed."
It's a pretty wild thought, but that was the reality for some couples back then.
Suffice it to say that starting your marriage off with a confusing and shame-filled wedding
night was not a good recipe for a happily ever after.
It was more likely to hurt the end-goal of bonding the couple spiritually, through sex.
Regardless, misinformation and confusion are both words easily associated with sexual knowledge
in this period, no matter the marital status.
And, heaven forbid, if you were unmarried and knew a thing or two about sex, you were
considered a deviant in danger.
Goodness gracious!
And if you were a young man, sure you may have known how to get your hands on sexual
experiences, but did you know about the dangers of STDs?
Probably not.
And the spread of STDs was so rampant that they thought cauterizing your bits was the
answer.
Ouch!
But it wasn't just rumors spreading like wildfire.
Even the sex manuals of the time were dishing out false information.
One particular one was called, Aristotle's Masterpiece, of all things.
This little gem was the earliest sex manual available to Victorian audiences, but the
funny thing is, it wasn't actually written by Aristotle!
It was just a compilation of various sources and the name was chosen to give it an air
of wisdom and expertise.
The third edition, which was likely read by Victorian audiences, was clearly sexist with
some real gems of advice like "do it in the dark if she's ugly".
So, what was "Aristotle's" take on things?
Well, he believed that female sexual pleasure was all about the possibility of having a
baby, but he took it a step further and said that women may even have more pleasure than
men because of their desire for motherhood.
This manual only focused on reproductive, heterosexual intercourse and encouraged marriage
soon after puberty so women could take advantage of their reproductive years.
Aristotle's Masterpiece believed finding the right balance of sexual frequency was crucial
for a happy marriage, but it also discouraged sex outside of wedlock.
And there was another manual published in the late 18th century that taught women how
to fake their virginity on their wedding night!
They were advised to abstain for a while, apply a constricting ointment, and insert
a clot of dried blood into their you know what.
Talk about going to great lengths to preserve your "virtue"!
Overall, while Aristotle's Masterpiece may not have been perfect, the writer's did have
a better understanding of female pleasure than most people at the time.
Thankfully, along came a book in the early 1900's that was finally written by a woman
for women.
This manual was quite the talk of the town.
It was all about mutual sexual satisfaction and even encouraged birth control and sexual
experimentation.
Marie Stopes was a distinguished academic scientist and became the youngest doctor of
science in Britain.
Up until 1918, Stopes’s most popular book had been a study of ancient plant life,but
when her book, Married Love, was published on March 26, 1918, it completely changed her
life and arguably those of millions of men and women.
Stopes was definitely ahead of her time, but some folks thought she was just plain scandalous.
But you know what?
Despite the naysayers, Stopes gained a huge following because of her honesty.
Her book sold 2,000 copies in the 2 weeks after publication and within a year, six further
editions had been published.
Soldiers of the time even gifted this manual to their fiancees so they could be prepared
for their wedding night - talk about being prepared for battle!
Stopes had some really interesting ideas about sex and relationships.
Much of which were devised from her own life experiences including her long, and some say,
torrid love affair with a Japanese man that took place before any of her subsequent marriages.
She believed that men who visited prostitutes, and women who were so-called, frigid, were
the product of a society that made sexual knowledge and experience taboo.
Marie Stopes was all about breaking the cycle of this kind of ignorance and shame around
sex, and for that, we should definitely give her some props.
If you want to read the text, Married Love, in it's original form, it is available free
online, I left a link to it in the description below.
And you can catch another history video to watch right here!