My spouse says they love me but they're not in love with me. What do I do Dr. Paul? I gotcha.
Lots of relationships have ups and downs, this video is going to help you know what you can do
about this. I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a clinical psychologist. I've worked for decades now with
couples families and I know a few things about relationships. Let's talk first about, what love
is? What it isn't? And then, get practical about some things you can do right now. First of all,
go back to the title for just a minute, my spouse loves me but isn't In Love With Me. In Love
usually implies some kind of romantic ethereal feelings that we have, right? And love is not
a feeling, I think love is associated with a lot of feelings. I think love creates a lot
of feelings. But if we look at it instead as a choice, that's going to change how we
approach it. I'm reading a book right now by a former NFL quarterback, an MVP in this Sport,
and he's now an announcer for ESPN. His name is Steve Young, and he wrote a book called The Law
Of Love. Something that a lot of people don't know about Steve Young, is that he is a deep thinker.
He attended and graduated from law school when he was going to school at my alma mater Brigham
Young University. Where I first got to learn about him as a football player. He is a deep thinker,
and he has thought about love as a law. Now, this is interesting to me because the way he's
presenting it. It's a law kind of like the law of gravity, It's not a feeling. It's a principle
that determines a lot of outcomes out there in the world. So, I've appreciated looking at
his approach to that. But it's got me thinking about, what love is and what it isn't? What if,
we were to look at love as a choice, or even a declaration. I remember a young couple that came
to see me, she got up to slip out into the Hall to freshen up. He told me while she was out of
the room Dr. Paul, I just don't love her anymore, and my reaction to that was well then love her.
He was talking about a feeling, I was talking about a choice or a declaration,
and when we look at it that way. I think every interaction we have falls on a spectrum or a
continuum, and there's no neutral option right in the middle. I think every interaction we have is
going to be on the love side or on the hate side, either a little or a lot. Now, people argue with
me about that sometimes but let's just roll with that for a minute. If everything we say or do,
or how we show up in this relationship is either a love choice or a hate choice. Which one do you
think is going to help your relationship more. Now, what if your spouse says that they love you.
Well, what does that mean? I'm not sure but they're not in love with you. What does that mean?
I'm not sure. Regardless of what your spouse is doing, you have the choice next. Are you going to
choose love are you going to choose hate? And hurt people, hurt people. So, when somebody offends you
or hurt you, you're more likely to maybe choose hate as a retaliation. Don't do it, you stand
the love side. No matter what, it's a choice. Dr. John Gottman has done more research in this area
than anybody on the planet. The Gottman Institute in the Seattle area and Dr. Julie Gottman too has
contributed to this research in some powerful ways. Talk about a power couple, they found
in their research that we basically need to do more of what works, and less of what doesn't.
Groundbreaking, right? But their research also identified, what it is that doesn't work.
Gottman called it the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and those four horsemen are criticism,
defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. This is how couples tend to handle some of
their unresolvable conflicts or issues that come up, and when they do. It leads to more conflict,
and usually, the separation or divorce of that couple. In fact, Dr. Gottman brags that he can
predict divorce with like 80 percent accuracy in one interview, that's what he's looking for.
This pattern, this criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Without getting into
all the details about that, just notice whether that might be happening in your relationship.
Well, what was the bottom line of that research? Do more of what works, and less of what doesn't.
One of John Gottman's Books is titled The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.
Oh, so, this is what works? Yes. Pay attention to that. We need to avoid the criticism and
defensiveness and get instead over to those principles that allow us to have successful
healthy relationships. Now, Dr. Gottman identified seven principles for making
marriage work. I'm gonna give you a little upgrade because I've got nine ready to deliver
to you right now. In fact, go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/9principles and I will
put into your inbox a PDF. A one-sheet PDF of nine principles that are guaranteed to save and enrich
your key relationships including your marriage. Now, the good news about these principles
is that you can get started on these immediately. Whether or not, your spouse is on board,
that's good news. Because you don't have to wait around for anybody else to change anything,
you can start upgrading this today. Go grab your principals drpauljenkins.com/9principles,
I'll put it right in your hands. You're going to notice when you get your list that one of
these principles is love, and I've set this up as love being a choice or a declaration.
So, let's get into that next as the practical thing that you can do as we move forward. I also
told you upfront that we're going to talk about, what love is and what it isn't? And it isn't hate.
That's the opposite of love, hate's over here, love's over here. Then there's some
line in the middle, where we cross over. What would you do if you intended to choose hate?
I'm going to share this with you, not because I want you to do it. Because
I want to say some people pick it, and here's how it happens, there's three steps track this.
Step number one, assume the worst. Especially, if you've been hurt or offended by someone else
assume, that they want to make your life more miserable, that they intentionally are
trying to just mess with you, assume the worst. Step two, practice pride,
and by pride I mean, not that healthy self-awareness. I'm talking about destructive
pride where we know that we're right, and we do. I mean, psychologically, we know that we're right.
I'm not even saying that we think we're right. No, it goes deeper than that, we know we're right,
and because of that, we end up treating each other terribly. It's usually, the right fight
watch the news. People are fighting about who's right. Now, what's right? it's about who's right,
and you got to do that if you want to choose hate. You got to dig in your heels, you know,
that you're right, and they are by definition wrong, and then, the third step to choose hate.
You think, use your amazing mind to come up with ways to retaliate or hurt, or destroy. Again,
watch the news. Are there any incidents where people are actually doing that, they're choosing
hate. Yeah, we see it all the time. Where do you think wars come from? This is why any hate choice
leads to further destruction guaranteed, and that will damage your relationship, your marriage.
Just notice that, and you can probably think back and say oh, yeah, I can see where that has
already happened, exactly. But hate is not on that list of nine principles I just gave you.
So, if hate is going to have the negative effect, what are we going to replace it with? Love,
choose Love, even if someone is choosing hate toward you. You're still better off choosing
love as your response. I know that's a bold statement but maybe, somewhere in your heart,
you can just see that this is true. This is true, it makes it worse. If
we return hate for hate. So, what if we want to choose love, how are we going to do that?
Three steps yeah, I gotcha, I'm gonna cover you on this. Alright, step number one,
assume the best. Since you don't know other people's intentions anyway. Just take a position,
and even if, you're wrong about that. You're still in a better position than you would have
been if you chose to assume the worst, assume the best. Hey, I think you're safe on this because
I've interviewed a lot of people in my career, okay. Hundreds, thousands of people, and I have
confidence that you and I, and everybody around us, wants good things for themselves and everyone
around them. That's what I've found is I've gotten to know people. Just check your heart and see if
that might be true for you too. Okay. Assume the best. Here's step two, practice humility. Remember
on the hate choice, we're practicing pride. We know that we're right, we dig in our heels,
and we treat each other terribly as a result. In humility, we give up our need to be right
in exchange for being open. Just feel how that strikes you, I don't need to be right. In fact,
I kind of hope I'm wrong about some stuff. We give up our need to be right in exchange for being
open. It's kind of like having an open hand, it's open and ready to receive whatever is coming next
for you, practice humility. Here's the third step, think use that brilliant mind of yours to come up
with creative ways to build and lift and elevate, and create. Your brain is capable of doing this.
I heard a poem years ago that captures this so nicely. it's by Charles Benvegar, who set up a
nice contrast between these two choices in this way. He said this, I watched them tear a building
down. A gang of men in a busy town, with a ho hevho and a Lusty yell, they swung a beam in a
sidewall fell. I asked the foreman, are these men skilled as the men you'd hire if you had to build?
He gave me a laugh and said no, indeed just common labor is all I need. I can easily wreck
in a day or two, what builders have taken a year to do. I asked myself as I went my way,
which of these two roles have I tried to play? Am I a builder who works with care,
measuring life by the rule and square? Am I carefully laying a well-made plan and patiently
doing the best I can? Or am I a wrecker who walks the town content with the labor of tearing down?
That's the difference between the hate choice and the love choice.
Can you do something with this? I think you can. Remember to grab those nine principles,
I promised them to you. They're guaranteed to save and enrich,
your key relationships including a marriage. Go grab them drpauljenkins.com/9principles.