- [Mom] I don't know about this one!
- Well, come out so I can see.
- [Mom] I don't want to!
- I'm sure it's fine.
(sputters and laughs)
Oh Mom. Why?
- I don't know Alyssa.
Isn't this what, you know, the lesbians wear?
- I know you're new to this,
but it's not like there's a uniform.
- Ellen always wears vests.
- That's one woman's style.
- Well, I don't know honey.
I really need your help, okay?
I don't want Sarah to think I'm not serious.
I am serious.
She makes me feel things.
All kinds of things.
God, I'm sweating.
- Well, I would be too if I just served
pigs in a blanket and tiny quiches.
- She's gonna make me do that?
- No, you look like a caterer.
(laughs)
No, that's not a good thing.
- I mean, what do I say?
What do I do?
I mean, should I pay for dinner?
Like, open the door and pull out the chair?
Oh, I could get a corsage!
Oh my God, it's not too late to get a limo!
- Ok, this is not Prom, Mom.
Calm down.
- You know, I've been on plenty of dates.
You know, just not with another woman.
I don't know what to do.
- I mean, its fine.
Just treat it like a normal date.
- Well, on a normal date,
I would feign an interest in sports.
You know, what am I supposed to feign an interest in?
- I don't know.
Pottery? Shopping?
Gardening?
- But I like those things.
- Then it'll be easy.
Here, try this on.
You just gotta keep cool.
Be yourself.
- [Mom] What if she tries to kiss me?
- Then you kiss her back.
Girls are very good at kissing.
Very soft.
- [Mom] Good.
You know, your Dad, he'd come at my face with his tongue,
his tongue was like a freight train.
- Ugh! Mom stop!
- [Mom] Sorry.
- You look beautiful.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You're gonna knock her sensible heels right off.
- I just, I've never been so excited
for a date in my entire life.
I finally feel like I'm who I'm supposed to be.
Everything feels different.
- Good different?
- Great different.
Exciting different.
Like I want to jump up and down
like a 14 year old at a Taylor Swift concert.
- Sure. (laughs)
- I also feel like throwing up.
So, that's weird.
- Okay, well don't do that.
Believe it or not vomit is a major turn off for girls.
- I can't stop smiling.
- I'm real proud of you, Mom.
(knocking)
Now, go get her.
Hey.
Don't forget your curfew's 11.
- Yeah right.
Don't wait up.
(upbeat music)