I don't know if you all know this
or not, but this show will be
streamed across the world.
Millions of people will see it.
So because I haven't traveled
in a very long time
and my family is watching this,
I will use some of this camera time
to say hello to some of them
and talk about a few of you. Okay?
I don't mean you.
I mean my family.
Since you won't answer my calls?
You will see this on the internet,
and I'm sending you a link,
Aunt Vicky!
(audience laughing)
She's selling her house,
and I asked to buy the house
at a decent price,
and she wants to sell it to somebody
who's not in our bloodline,
so I hope you fall down
a small flight of stairs,
Aunt Vicky.
I'll get to the jokes in a minute.
I'm serious about this.
I got a lot of pain.
I'm from St. Louis
and I did Dry Bar a few years ago
in a production company,
Kaleidoscope Pictures.
They're a wonderful company.
They hired me.
And now, I'm one of the new cast
members on Studio C.
- All right!
(audience cheering)
- Yes.
So when you watch Studio C
and you see these crazy sketches
that say aaargh!
I was at the show, and that idiot
was on stage.
That's me.
So I moved here,
and I don't get to see my family now
because I'm stuck.
No, no, I'm not stuck in a bad way.
Well, I can't say I told you that.
I've dealt with some stuff
since I've been here.
Like I feel like the only
Black person in town.
Just tell you that right now.
I feel like a mascot.
(audience laughing)
I caused two accidents.
They couldn't stop looking
at-- skrrt.
(audience cheering)
Do you know Karl Malone?
(audience laughing)
And I don't watch sports,
so I was like, who is Kurt Malone?
(audience laughing)
I hate sports.
I've got a couple of family members.
They will watch sports all day,
every day.
And I can appreciate sports,
the work ethic that goes into it,
and everything, but I'm like they're
on TV, making money.
I need to be out making money.
I don't have time to watch somebody
win or lose.
That's crazy, Aunt Vicky.
(audience laughing)
And I love her because she was
my favorite aunt.
I'm going to tell you is, Aunt
Vicky, you were my favorite aunt.
She's so nice.
She's pretty.
She's polite.
She could cook.
And the nice ones always die early.
The mean ones last forever, amen?
You know what I'm talking about.
I have an aunt,
and because of the rest
of my family, I won't say her name
on camera, but this lady is mean.
When I tell you mean,
I mean mean like she walks around
with a dark cloud over her head.
Matter of fact, there's two of them.
I won't talk about either,
Aunt Vicky.
Oh, I'm sending 'em.
I'm seriously-- I was a little boy.
Thank you, sir,
for that random laugh.
Laugh of familiarity.
He tried to clear his throat
but he, "Tell a story."
(audience laughing)
I was about five or six years old.
And my mother used
to always take me
to church.
I'll get back to that in a minute.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not
from here, I already said that.
I'm not a heathen, and I don't have
that written across my head.
Stop coming up to me, asking me
if I know Jesus, like you know him
better than me.
OK, I'm just being honest.
(audience laughing)
Were you yawning?
Okay anyways.
- It was a sigh.
It was a sigh.
OK was it a good sigh?
- Yeah.
- I'm leaving you alone.
I'm doing a taping.
I don't know if they can edit
your sigh.
Did you hear that sigh sound.
You're on an episode of Scooby Doo.
Zoinks, like scoob, did you hear
her sigh?
(Scooby Doo laugh)
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I have ADD.
I was about five years old.
I was in a different room,
and my mother was sitting in a room
with my aunt who I don't like,
but her name starts with an A.
I walked into the room,
and they were having a conversation.
And my aunt turned around and
looked at me and she said,
"Speak of the devil."
I didn't know what that meant
at the time.
But my mother always told me
that the devil was very bad.
He's an evil person.
This is not good.
So when I walked into the room
and she points at me
and says speak of the devil,
she made me think I was the devil.
And I felt bad.
And when she left, I told my mother,
you know, she didn't have to say
that about me, and she called
me devil.
And my mother said, "don't worry
"about it."
I said no, mom, you said the devil
was bad, and she told me about hell
and everything.
She said, "Don't worry about it."
I said that's not good.
And every time I saw my aunt
after that, she'd give me the scowl.
She looked at me very crazily.
I couldn't stand it.
And I thought about that every time
I saw her.
And my oldest sister got married,
and I went to the wedding,
obviously with my little brother.
And my aunt came to the wedding.
And everybody started dancing.
And I was a little kid.
And I didn't know how to dance.
So I did the only dance that I knew
how to do.
It was the curly shuffle.
You laugh because
you know who curly is.
He's one of the three Stooges.
He used to do this dance, like this.
He would kick his feet back 3 times
and go woop woop, woop.
It's the only dance I knew how
to do.
And I did that dance,
and I kicked my aunt.
And she acted like she got shot.
She fell down she's screaming all
over the place.
She's grabbing her ankle and hopping
and everything.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I apologized a bunch of times.
The wedding was over.
Days went by.
Weeks went by.
I sent her a card.
I apologized.
And she never got over it.
She came to my grandparents'
anniversary dinner.
And I was standing there waiting
on my hamburger.
My grandmother makes the best
hamburgers on the planet.
I don't know if she seasoned them
with grace and mercy or love,
but they taste so delicious.
My grandmother is a fantastic
person.
And she stacked that burger,
and it was my burger.
I made my bun.
You know-- you ever had
a homemade burger?
You make the bun the way
you like it, miracle whip,
peppers and onions,
mustard and may-- all of works.
Potato chips on the side.
I had the plate ready.
And my aunt came to the kitchen,
and she was a little chubby,
so she waddled in there,
and she grabbed my piece of beef out
of the skillet, put a fork,
and she put it on the bun
that I built. And she mashed it
together.
And she took a bite out of it.
She was smacking her big greasy lips.
And I look at her like, no.
And she took another bite,
and she started having a heart
attack.
(audience laughing)
That's very cruel of you
all to laugh.
But I appreciate it.
Because I had never seen a heart
attack, I didn't know what a heart
attack was.
But I knew she was in trouble.
And she bit my hamburger,
so I started getting joy out of her
having a heart attack.
I didn't know it was wrong.
She was-- the hamburger was so good,
she kept chewing it while she was
having a heart attack.
She going down.
(audience laughing)
And I was going, I laughed until she
dropped to the floor.
And she dropped the hamburger.
And I ran over and I grabbed it.
I put it back together,
and I took a bite out of it.
And I looked at her, right
in the eyes and I said, mmh, speak
of the devil.
(audience laughing)
She's still alive to this day.
She won't die.
I don't know what it is
about mean aunties
and grandparents.
They just won't die.
She's still alive.
She's in a nursing home.
And every time I go to st. Louis,
I go visit her at the nursing home.
And I take her a hamburger.
(audience laughing)
Even though I know she can't eat it,
I just eat it in front of her.
Like I'm doing a commercial.
How would you like the new, Speak
of the Devil Burger?
(audience laughing)