Okay.
I'm finally in Israel.
Of course, to understand today's Israel
and the surrounding territories,
you have to understand its history.
This should only take a minute.
By 1300 BC, settlers had created the kingdoms
of Israel and Judah,
who were conquered by the Babylonians
who were conquered by the Greeks
who were conquered by the Romans
who were conquered by the Byzantines
who were conquered by the Arabs
who were conquered by the Crusaders
who were conquered by the Ottomans
who were conquered by the British
who helped the dream of a Jewish Homeland
and were supplanted by Jewish refugees
fleeing from Nazis
who were given an insane map
for new countries by the United Nations
followed by the Declaration of the State of Israel,
which led to a war with Arab nations,
which led to thousands of refugees,
a crisis with Egypt,
another war with Arabs,
an occupation,
terrorism,
Yasser Arafat,
another war with Arabs,
US aid to Israel,
a settlement policy,
a peace treaty,
a war with Lebanon,
a Palestinian uprising,
a proposed peace treaty,
an assassination,
another Palestinian uprising,
another war with Lebanon,
more settlements,
more terrorism,
a separation wall,
surging economic growth,
negative economic growth,
Hamas and the PLA versus Israel,
Hamas versus the PLA,
Israeli Jews versus American Jews,
Israeli Orthodox Jews versus Israeli Conservative Jews
versus Israeli Reformed Jews,
Jewish and Arab men against Jewish and Arab women,
more settlements,
Bar Refaeli,
the Israeli Gaza Conflict,
Israel hating Obama,
Israel loving Trump,
Israelis and Palestinians confused by Jared Kushner,
three of the holiest sites in the world
built on top of each other,
plus Druze, Bedouins, Zions,
and one Buddhist.
All setting the table for a visit by me, Conan O'Brien.
(applause)
My mission?
To try and make some people laugh,
and in the process alienate everyone.
I thought I'd start my trip
by hitting the streets of Tel Aviv
and meeting new friends.
Hi, guys.
How are you?
Shalom.
You are Israelis.
[Israelis] Yes.
Okay.
First of all,
how's my accent.
Shabbat Shalom
Pretty good.
Mazel Tov
Terrible.
Terrible?
What are you talking about terrible? Terrible.
That's good.
Terribly good.
(audience laughs)
What is the attitude of Israelis about Donald Trump?
What do you guys think about Donald Trump?
It's a big show for us.
A big show.
Did you know that the President's son-in-law
is working very hard on making a peace plan?
[Israelis] Jared Kushner.
[Conan] Jared Kushner.
Jared Kushner has been studying very hard
the issue of Middle East peace.
We found this book in his hotel room.
(audience laughs)
(Israelis laugh)
We think that he read two pages,
and then he got confused
and he went home.
Do you get this a lot?
People say you look kinda like Tom Cruise?
Yeah.
Do you get that?
You get that all the time. Since I was four.
Okay.
Do me a favor.
Look into that camera and say,
"You had me at shalom."
You had me at shalom.
(audience laughs)
Fantastic (mumbles).
Ahh, nice.
All good.
You are the coolest looking couple I've seen today.
Ahh, thank you.
You are so.
What were we doing?
High fiving each other.
(laughter)
Very modest people, I suppose.
How long have you been together?
Seven months.
Yeah.
Seven months.
And when you saw him the first time,
when he was trying to sell you weed,
you knew right away?
(laughter)
Let's say he didn't exist.
Okay.
No offense.
But let's say he wasn't in the picture,
and you saw me walking down the street.
Would you be attracted?
(laughter)
Well, I'm talking to handsome Israeli man
number 3652 of the day.
What is it with you people?
It's the best looking people I've seen anywhere.
We actually met.
We met before.
We've met before?
Yeah.
How have we met?
Well, I think October 2003,
I was with a
couple of friends. How do you know the date?
Because, because it was taped on NBC.
Oh, you came to my show.
Yeah.
You said to the camera,
"There's a big delegation here from Israel."
But there's a delegation here from Israel.
I'd like to acknowledge them for being here.
They're way in the back.
(audience cheers, claps)
Were people laughing?
Was it a good show?
Of course.
It was the Conan Show.
No, but you told us to laugh.
I love this guy.
(audience laughs)
I never.
There were signs.
Those were called.
No.
We have applause signs.
We've never had any laugh now signs.
(audience laughs)
That's just not true.
Well.
There's no such thing as a laugh now sign.
If there was,
I'd be huge.
(laughter)
I'd be using it now.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
(audience laughs)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
How ya doin'?
All right; how are you?
You guys just cruisin' the neighborhood?
Yeah.
I wanna take a picture with you, Conan.
All right, let's do it.
I wanna have a selfie
with Conan. Okay.
Conan, the man.
Thank you.
All right.
Hey, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
Look at this guy!
Look at him.
Jacked; this guy's jacked!
Whaddya think?
Could you get me in shape?
(car horn honks)
Why, sure.
We're talking about our weightlifting program!
(audience laughs)
All right, these people are getting really mad.
I should let 'em go before Yeah, we should (mumbles).
I start an international.
Sorry.
I apologize.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
(audience laughs)
All right.
Let's go.
Move it along.
Sorry.
Apologies.
Sorry.
It's a moped.
You could have gone around.
Very nice cookie.
Oh, that's a piece of.
Here we go.
Oh.
Look, she just gave me her.
Waaa!
Oh, no!
(laughter)
Oh, no.
That went terribly.
Step forward, sir.
I found the one Israeli male that doesn't work out.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
Okay, you don't.
All right, good.
Here he is.
Is this your lady right here?
Yeah.
Are you proud of him for not working out?
Ahhh, not so much.
Really?
(audience laughs)
Why?
He's the one guy here who refuses to succumb
to the pressure.
I guess he stands out in Tel Aviv.
Can I also be rude and get a selfie?
You're not rude at all.
Look, he's shaking.
He's so excited.
No, that's just the weight of the phone.
He's so weak.
(laughter)
Can I join you?
Yes.
Let me remove my shoes.
This is a very inexpensive Airbnb.
Yes.
Am I taking too much?
Am I eating too much?
No.
Mind if I have more cake?
Yes, of course.
You can take all the cake.
I can have all the cake?
Yes.
Thank you.
(laughter)
I love this country!
You're so giving.
Don't take my cake!
(laughter)
That's my cake!
You have Israeli beer?
Yes.
Sure.
This is Gold Star Beer.
You know, if I get paid by Gold Star,
I will split all the money with you guys.
Let's just shoot a quick commercial for Gold Star.
Everyone laugh like I just said something funny.
(laughter)
Oh, hi.
Conan O'Brien here.
Just havin' a nice picnic in Tel Aviv.
And enjoying some Gold Star Beer.
Gold Star.
It's the beer to have when you're in Tel Aviv
on a blanket with people you don't know.
(applause)
[Narrator] Gold Star.
After the picnic,
it was time to hit the famous beaches of Tel Aviv.
Shabbst Shalom
This is,
no no,
I wanna pay for it, please.
I don't like this.
(audience laughs)
This is awkward.
There's like 800 Israelis behind me.
Watch me.
This isn't the flavor I want.
(audience laughs)
Check it out.
This is Shai,
lifeguard here at Tel Aviv Beach.
You've got the best job in the world.
Whoa!
Who the hell is this guy?
Sir, why are you wearing a sweater at the beach?
Ahhh!
(laughter)
Oh, my god!
Look at that!
Oh, lord.
There's.
I'm finding things in here.
You can hang your sunglasses in here, right?
(laughs)
You just put 'em in and they hang, right?
(laughter)
Oh, my god!
That's crazy.
Attention!
This is Conan O'Brien.
(crowd cheers)
This is an important announcement.
Will all Israeli men wearing Speedos
please leave the area.
(audience laughs)
Again, all Israeli men wearing Speedos.
No one wants to see your junk.
(audience laughs, applauds)
Also, why is there an Elvis impersonator
on the beach in Tel Aviv?
(audience laughs, applauds)
Oh, oh.
The Elvis impersonator is coming into the lifeguard station.
Someone please help me.
I'm scared.
He really doesn't look that much like Elvis.
I think my mother looks more like Elvis than this guy.
Oh, god.
Hello, Elvis.
He wants to play me a song, ladies and gentlemen.
♫ Wise men say
♫ Help falling in love with you
♫ Like a river flows
♫ Surely to the sea
♫ Falling in love with you
(wild audience cheering, laughter, applause)
[Conan] Yes!