MY NEXT GUEST IS A CULT MOVIE MACHINE.
HE'S BEEN WRITING AND DIRECTING FILMS LIKE "CLERKS," "MALLRATS,"
AND "DOGMA" FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN SMITH!
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR THE DOUBLE HUG.
>> IT WAS ON BOTH SIDE.
I CAN SHARE, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, THIS IS-- THIS IS SUCH
A HUGE NIGHT FOR ME BECAUSE I-- THIS IS GOING TO SOUND WEIRD--
BUT I WAKE UP TO YOU EVERY MORNING.
YOU'RE THE FIRST FACE I SEE WHEN I WAKE UP.
( CHEERS ) BECAUSE MY WIFE SLEEPS IN SO I
WAKE UP USUALLY BY MYSELF.
EVERYONE SLEEPS IN.
SO I WAKE UP AND GET STONED.
THE FIRST THING I DO IS WATCH THE SHOW FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.
I'M LIKE, "PREACH, PREACH."
SO EVERY MORNING-- EVERY MORNING, I SIT THERE AND CEEND
OF WAKE IN BED WITH YOU.
SO I WATCH THE SHOW.
I'M A RELIGIOUS FAN OF THE SHOW.
THIS IS, LIKE-- I DON'T LIKE DOING TALK SHOWS BECAUSE I HATE
SITTING DOWN.
I LOVE TALKING, OBVIOUSLY, BUT I HATE DOING TALK SHOWS BECAUSE
YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN.
I LOOK LIKE JABBA THE SHUT WHEN I SIT DOWN.
YEAH, GIVE ME A PILLOW TO PUT RIGHT OVER THIS.
OH, SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I GOT TWO TALK SHOWS ON
A.M.C., BOTH SHOWS ARE DESIGNED SO I NEVER HAVE TO SIT DOWN.
I'M ALWAYS STANDING.
SO I NEVER LIKE TO DO TALK SHOWS BECAUSE I HAVE TO SIT, AND IT'S
WHEN I LOOK MY WORST AND I'M AT MY WEAKEST.
BUT I LOVE THE SHOW SO MUCH I'M LIKE, "I'M GOING.
I DON'T CARE HOW FAT I LOOK."
SO I'M HERE.
( CHEERS ) BUT, BUT WHAT WAS REALLY WEIRD--
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT WAS REALLY WEIRD IS I'VE
BEEN WATCHING THE SHOW BACKSTAGE.
AND SO KIND OF LIKE A PAVLOVIAN RESPONSE, WHEN I SEE YOU ON TV
I'M LIKE, "I GOTTA SMOKE WEED."
AND I COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE WE'RE HERE.
SO THERE'S NO POINT TO THAT STORY.
I WAS JUST SAYING.
IT'S CEEND OF WEIRD.
BUT IT'S SO WEIRD.
AND I CAN SHARE THING THAT HAPPENED WITH US BACKSTAGE
BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED REAL QUICK, MAN.
THIS IS HUGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HUGE FOR ME.
I WAS BACKSTAGE, AND I WAS LAYING DOWN.
I WAS TAKING A NAP BEFORE I CAME OUT, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THE
DOOR OPENS AND STEPHEN COMES IN, AND HE STARTS BUSTING LINES
FROM-- THIS IS WHERE YOU GET TO TALK-- HE STARTS BUSTING LINES
FROM "A MAN FOR ALL ACCEPTS," ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES IN THE
WORLD.
DO WHAT YOU DO FOR ME.
>> Stephen: WHEN A MAN TAKES AN OATH HE HOLDS HIMSELF IN HIS
HANDS LIKE SO MUCH WATER.
AND IF HE SHOULD HOME IN HIS FINGERS IN THAT MOMENT HE SHOULD
LOSE ALL HOPE OF EVER FINDING HIMSELF AGAIN, SOME MEN ARE
INCAPABLE OF THIS.
I AM LOATHE TO THINK THAT YOUR FATHER IS ONE OF THEM."
>> OH, MY GOD, IF YOU LIKE THAT MOVIE, THAT'S, LIKE,
PORNOGRAPHY, MAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
>> Stephen: AND THEN YOU SAID--
>> WASN'T THAT GOOD?
HE'S SUCH AN ACTOR.
HE'S SAYING THIS, AND I HAD THE SAME REACTION.
I'M GETTING TURGID.
IT WAS A HUGE MOMENT FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER ) SO-- SO I TURNED TO HIM AND-- I
BUSTED-- HE BUSTED A LINE SO I BUSTED A LINE.
I WAS LIKE, "RICHARD, IT PROPHETS A MAN NOTHING TO GIVE
HIS SOUL FOR THE WHOLE WORLD BUT FOR WHALES."
AND WE DID IT LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU BROUGHT YOUR PHONE OUT HERE.
WHAT'Ss THE DEAL?
YOU BROUGHT YOUR PHONE OUT HERE?
>> I WANT TO SHARE A TEXT WITH YOU I WROTE WITH MY KID.
>> Stephen: YOUR FILM IS CALLED.
>> OH, YEAH, "YOGA HOSERS."
THIS MOVIE I HAVE COMING OUT SEPTEMBER 2, CALLED "YOGA
HOSERS."
ALSO IN THEATERS AUGUST 30.
>> Stephen: IT'S A COMEDY ACTION?
>> KIND OF.
>> Stephen: THERE'S ACTION IN IT.
>> I LIKE TO DESCRIBE IT AS THIS.
TWO GIRLS FIGHT MONSTERS COME UP OUT OF THE EARTH.
I LIKE TO SAY IT'S LIKE "CLUELESS "MEETS "GREMLINS."
AND PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE AND THEY SAY HEY, MAN,
"GREMLINS" IS GOOD.
IT'S LIKE "CLUELESS" MEETS CRITTERS.
AND SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE CRITTERS IS GOOD.
AND THEN IT'S LIKE "CLUELESS "MEETS "PUPPET MASTERS NINE."
>> Stephen: YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN THIS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER
FRIEND GETTING IN TROUBLE.
JIM.
>> LIKE ON THIS GIRLS.
NO PHONES FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!
>> WHAT!
>> YOU CAN GET THEM BACK AT 2:45, AFTER THE LAST BELL.
>> OUR PHONES ARE WHO WE ARE.
IF YOU TAKE AWAY MY PHONE LIKE SOME SORT OF PYGMALION MONACO,
WHO AM I GOING TO BE?
>> I THINK I'M GOING TO PASS OUT.
>> YOU IS A NO PHONE PLAN NOW, GIRLS.
UNLIMITED MINUTES.
UNLIMITED LOOKS TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
AND NO ROAMING CHARGES.
SO GO ROAM WITHOUT YOUR PHONES.
>> HERE I GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER ON THE RIGHT ON THE THE
LEFT?
THE ONE THAT PASSED OUT.
>> Stephen: THE ONE THAT PASSED OUT.
IS IT HARD TO DIRECT YOUR DAUGHTER?
DID THEY LISTEN?
>> THE THE SET IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET
AWAY WITH BEING, "YOU HAVE TO DO THIS OR YOU'RE FIRED."
I CAN'T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE.
SO IT'S EASIER TO KIND OF GET THINGS DONE.
BUT I'M HONESTLY NOT VERY DICTATORIAL.
I DON'T DIRECT, LIKE-- MOST CRITICS WILL TELL YOU THAT'S
TRUE.
I DON'T-- I DON'T DIRECT LIKE MOST PEOPLE DO.
LIKE HERE'S THE THE FEELING.
IT'S NUANCED.
I'M A MONITOR DIRECTOR.
SO WE SHOOT SOMETHING AND I SAY, "COME OVER HERE AND SEE HAW
DID," AND I SHOW THEM THE PLAYBACK.
NO ACTOR IS GOING TO DO BETTER IF I SAY, "HERE, YOU CAN DO
THIS, OR THIS."
AN ACT OR ORAC RESWANT TO LOOK BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE
WORLD.
YOU SHOW THEM THEIR TAKE, THEY'LL FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY
WENT WRONG AND GO BACK IN.
I DID THAT WITH HER SAME WAY AS WITH EVERYONE ELSE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE 46-YEAR-OLD MAN, RIGHT?
>> I DRESS LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD BUT I'M A 46-YEAR-OLD MAN.
>> Stephen: IS IT HARD TO CAPTURE THE WAY TEENAGERS TALK
NOW AS OPPOSED TO WHEN YOU GREW UP?
>> NO, BECAUSE I HAD THE GIRLS RIGHT THERE WHICH MADE IT ALSO--
LIKE I COULDN'T DIRECT THEM TO ACT LIKE TEENAGERS.
THEY WERE TEENAGERS WHEN WE MADE THE MOVIE --
>> WHAT TEXT DID YOUR DAUGHTER SEND YOU?
>> WE'RE GOING THERE.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET TO IT.
>> IT'S A GOOD STORY.
WE WRITE BACK AND FORTH ALL THE TIME.
MY TEXTING FRIEND AND STUFF.
THIS IS A TEXT EXCHANGE WE HAVE.
I GO ON THE ROAD A LOT.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOING TO BE COOL WITH YOU SHARING THIS?
>> I HOPE SO.
SHE MADE IT THROUGH "YOGA HOSERS."
SO SHE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.
I TOUR A LOT, I WAS AWAY FOR THREE DAYS AND MY KID TEXTED ME
AND SAID, "WHERE IS IN THE WORLD ARE YOU, FATHER."
AND I SAID, "ATLANTA, GEORGIA" AND IT WAS 4/20, THAT DATE,
NATIONAL HOLIDAY FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE THE TRAVELERS OF THE
GREEN.
I SAID, OTHER I'M IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA."
AND SHE WRITES, "ON 4/20?
WHAT IF CNN CATCHES YOU SMOKING."
EVIDENCE IMPRESSED THAT A GIRL IN PRIVATE SCHOOL KNEW THAT
ATLANTA WAS CNN HEADQUARTERS.
I WAS LIKE THAT PRIVATE SCHOOL IS PAYING OFF.
SHE SAID, WHEN DO YOU COME HOME?
I SAID SATURDAY AFTER THE AUSTINS SHOW.
SHE SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO GO TO 'HARRY POTTER WORLD' ON SUNDAY."
THEY OPENED ONE, AND I SAID WE'VE ALREADY SEEN IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.
AND SHE SAID, "YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN MAGIC," AND STORMS AWAY.
SHE WAS BUGGING ME ABOUT GOING AND STUFF, I TRIED TO TAKE THE
LOGICAL APPROACH.
I SAID, "ISN'T IT GOING TO BE CROWDED ON A SUNDAY?"
AND THIS WHEN THINGS GET WEIRD.
"WE CAN JUST BUY FRONT OF THE LINE PASSES, DUMB BELL DICK."
LEST YOU THINK THAT'S THE WAY WE ROLL IN OUR HOUSE, THAT'S NOT
THE THING AT ALL.
SHE MUST HAVE HEARD HER MOM CALL ME THAT.
>> Stephen: TRUE, TRUE?
>> YEAH, MY WIFE ONCE CALLED ME-- WE WERE FOOLING AROUND-- IT
WAS A SEX THING.
AND IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THE WAND CHASE THE WIZARD SORT OF THING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO, SO-- BUT-- BUT, BUT THERE IS-- THERE IS NO-- STAY WITH ME.
THERE'S NO WAY ON EARTH THE KID KNOWS THAT CONTEXT.
SO I DON'T WANT TO FREAK HER OUT AND SEND HER TO A THERAPIST AND
STUFF.
SO I SAY, "HEY, KIDDO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.
ONLY YOUR MOM CALLS ME THAT."
AND SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
INSTEAD SHE GOES, "OH, MR. THIN-SKINNED DUMB BELL DICK
BOTHERED BY HIS NICKNAME."
AT THIS POINT I'M LIKE, THE GLOVES ARE OFF, MAN.
I WRITE BACK, "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOUR MOM CALLS ME DUMB BELL
DICK."
AND SHE DON'T EVEN SEE IT COMING, MAN, WHICH MAKES ME
RETHINK THAT PRIVATE SCHOOL EDUCATION.
SO SHE WROTE, "BECAUSE YOU'RE THE HEAD OF HOG WARTS?
HA-HA-HA."
AND I WRITE BACK, "NO, KID, IT'S A FILTHY SEX THING, HA-HA-HA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND SHE WRITES BACK, "OH, MY GOD.
OF."
AND I SAID, "YEAH, SO KEEP CALLING DAD DUMB BELL DICK."
AND SHE SAID, "I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE."
>> Stephen: THAT'S A VERY SWEET STORY.
>> THAT'S MY KID.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> YOU'RE AWESOME.
>> Stephen: "YOGA HOSERS" OPENS NEXT FRIDAY.
KEVIN SMITH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.