Hi Dr. Paul here again. I've worked as a psychologist for many years helping
people to develop assertiveness how do we do that? Stick around.
There's at least
two aspects of assertiveness that we can talk about in this video and the first
one has to do with how do we assertively respond to someone who has offended us
or has taken some kind of shot at us, there's that kind of assertiveness and
then there's the assertiveness of how do I get what I want so let's take down
both of those in this video today. Obviously, the first step is figure out
which kind of assertiveness and I'm working on and for that first kind that
I mentioned, when someone has offended us, when someone has taken a pot shot at us
in some way, I did a podcast a while back with Pamela Jett. You can link to it in
the description down below. In that podcast, and it was titled by the way, how
to handle a sniper great title right and we're not talking about the guy on the
roof who's you know actually literally taking potshots at you from undercover.
We're talking about those snipers that show up in communication, someone who
takes you know sends a zinger your direction or takes a pot shot at you and
it's offensive, okay, that's what we're talking about and Pamela's approach was
so brilliant as she said, look, there's three steps, we're going to identify,
verify and accept. Identify, verify and accept so here's what that looks like..
Someone drops the bomb or sends the zinger or takes the pot shot, okay. Well, I
think whatever, how do we respond first? We identify. Identify means that you as
accurately as you can, describe what happened without blaming or criticizing
anyone, simply describe it. This
happened. Now, I would actually put it in this form..
when this happened, I felt whatever.. Here's an example. Let's say that you
come home from work, you're in charge of dinner, you get dinner on the table, it's
something that you could put together fairly quickly and it's something that
the family had last week. Somebody in the family takes a pot shot at you, that says
something like, well I guess we're having this again and they roll their eyes,
right. Can you see that that's a pot shot so in assertively responding to that, we
will first identify and it might sound something like this.. Son, when I heard so
we're gonna have this again, I felt disrespected.
Okay, now whatever you feel, pick an accurate description of whatever your
feeling was but I think that's probably a pretty good guess. Son, when I heard how
we're having this again, I felt disrespected. Now that's the identify
step. Notice that the way that I phrased that did not blame anyone, it was an
accusatory, it wasn't critical, it was simply a description of here's what
happened, when this happened, I felt whatever. Now we go to step two, verify.
Verify is very simple, you're simply going to check out with the person who
offended you if that was their intention so it sounds like this, is that what you
were going for or is that what you intended? Who talks like this, right? Well
we do after we get some training from Pamela Jett but check it out how
powerful that is. You're not accusing them of doing, you're checking it out with
them. Is that what you intended? Is that what you were going for? Was that your
objective? See, these are great questions for the verify step. Now it's kind of
like a tennis match so you've just knocked the ball
over their court now they get to respond to it so don't say anything else right
now, don't say, for example, is that what you
intended because I think these will let it and go
on? No, don't go on. Pause, pause. You just knocked the ball over to them. Now wait
for a response. Most people, when you take it to step two and you verify is that
what you were after? They're gonna backpedal. Can you picture this? They're
gonna be like, no, no, you misunderstood, that's not what I meant, I didn't intend
it whatever, okay, they're gonna backpedal a bit. What if they don't? What if they
say yeah, that's what I was after. What kind of a person does that? Well, you
don't have to answer that but notice that most people are gonna backpedal,
whether they do or whether they own it, either way, you go to step three, accept.
This one is even more simple. You simply say, okay, that's it, nothing more. You
don't go on to explain why it offended you, nothing. No, okay. Oh, this is powerful
what you just did is you put that person on notice, this is so assertive and
appropriate, you just put that person on notice that their behavior, their
language impacts you in a certain way, you've given them a chance to either own
it, deny or acknowledge or whatever, right? That's the verify step. Is that what you
intended? You receive their response with acceptance, okay. Does it stop the
behavior? You know what, a lot of times it does. One of my clients was working with
her teenage son who was just popping off with disrespectful stuff all the time,
we practiced these three steps here in the office. Identify, verify and accept.
She did beautifully, she took it home, he popped off with one of his potshots she
responded with, when I hear these words, I feel disrespected, is that what you were
after? He responds with backpedaling, he's like, mom, you're so sensitive and you're
always misinterpret what I'm saying. Whatever, right? She was
beautiful, she didn't miss a beat, she said, okay, so in the moment she didn't
feel like it made any difference but it didn't happen again
and this is something that was happened in 3-4 times a day. This is so powerful..
As we identify, verify and accept, wow, it puts us in an assertive position where
we get to take care of ourselves and put other people on notice about how their
behavior is impacting this. That has a great assertiveness practice. Okay, so let's go
to the other side of assertiveness. Remember, there's two different
objectives maybe that we're looking for in assertiveness..Is how to take care of
ourselves when we're offended and how to get what we want because that takes some
assertiveness too. Here's a few steps that might help with that. First of all,
remember, that whoever is in position to supply what you want is a person. As a
human being, they have feelings, they have history, they have family, they have the
same kind of psychological stuff going on as you do, they are people so we want
to treat them as such, we don't want to exploit people to get things but as we
use our relationships with people, we can usually get what we want
if we help them get what they want so start with an assumption of gratitude
and benevolence, okay. Start with an assumption of gratitude and benevolence
so you're grateful to that person, you're going to approach them with appreciation.
If it's someone you've never met before, like in a job interview for example,
you're going to meet with them, what do you want? You want the job, right? But
you're dealing with a person so as you show up for the job interview, the
assertive thing to do would be to lead with appreciation. Thank you so much for
taking the time to meet with me today and there's an assumption of benevolence
that that person wants good things for you.
Whether they do or not is irrelevant. For you to start with that assumption
changes how you show up and changes the whole energy of the interaction so you
assume that that person is benevolent and that they want good things for you
and you lead with appreciation. Now after that, you articulate the status quo.
These aren't formal steps, it's not like do one, do two, do three but in
articulating the status quo, you want to acknowledge what is job interview for
example. You don't have the job right now, right? And so you somehow find a way to
articulate that. Usually briefly but we want to establish where we are right now.
I'm here today to talk to you about the job that you've posted which I'm really
interested in. Okay, now that's just the status quo. So once we establish the
status quo, then that leads us naturally to the next step. I would really like to
be in that position, okay. So now what we're doing is articulating what we want
to have happen, what we hope to have happen, what we intend to create, we want
to create this same picture in the mind of the person that we're working with so
to get what you want, you articulate the status quo after leading with
appreciation and the assumption of benevolence and then we articulate the
desired outcome. What I would really like to see is whatever. Can you see yourself
using this with your kids for example? You know our buddy, I noticed that the
room looks like a tornado came through, it's kind of in some disarray,
that's articulating the status quo. What I'd really like to see is that room
clean to my satisfaction by six o'clock. Now we've articulated the desired
outcome, it's a simple way to paint the picture of where we are and where we
want to be. You know, that leads us to the last step.. You determine what the
appropriate request would be and usually it is prefaced by
would you do this? Okay, like with your son in the room, would you make sure that
it's clean to my satisfaction by six o'clock? Would you or will you?
Those carry a little different energy so you can decide which one is the more
appropriate one to use. Here's another one. This might be more appropriate in
like a job interview or a work situation.. Would you be open to, okay, and whatever
it is that your request is, would you be open to giving me a shot at this
position, okay? That's an assertive request. Would you be
open to? Also, would you consider, okay? I like both of those for different reasons
but you determine the appropriate request and then you deliver it straight
on. That's what we're talking about with assertiveness. This is only one example
of a lot of great content that we're compiling for you here on the channel.
Make sure that you're subscribed and I'll see you tomorrow.