- This is why you are feeling lonely.
Loneliness comes from a fear of being alone.
We all have a human need to be seen,
heard, and understood.
When we don't feel that need is being met,
the world starts to feel very small and isolating.
(upbeat music)
In this conversation about loneliness
and the fear of being alone, I have a question for you.
Where do you get your worth from?
Is it from your job, your accomplishments,
that you're an excellent wife, mother, daughter, or friend?
Is it because you drive a cool car or live in a big house?
Is it from being tall, short, athletic,
skinny, attractive, or desirable?
Are you worthy as long as you're in a relationship,
or your kids do well in school,
or that you are the best on your sports or work team?
Do you get your worth from a job title, prestige,
or that you go on fancy vacations?
What happens if you lose your job,
move out of the big house?
Your child starts failing in school.
Your partner leaves you.
What happens if the things
or the people we find our worth in go away?
Does that mean we are no longer worthy
of love or self-acceptance?
Does that mean we are no longer valuable as a person?
No, absolutely not.
I would like you to consider the possibility
that your loneliness stems from your lack of self-worth
or from what you are tying your worth to as a person.
If we are not aware of our worth ties,
or if we believe our worth as a human being
is tied to something outside of ourselves,
there can and will be times in our life
where we feel worthless, hopeless,
and wonder what is the point of continuing on.
These feelings lead to isolation and loneliness.
See, we all have things we tie our worth to.
Often, these are the things we also value.
The secret is not to stop valuing
the things that are important to us.
The secret is to remember
that our worth comes from the divine light inside of us.
Now, a lot of people have called this light
a lot of things through the years,
your higher power, God, Buddha, Krishna, the Holy Spirit.
I'm not here to put a label on you
or tell you what label to use.
The label is not important.
Choose a path and a word
or no word at all that feels right for your journey.
The important part is to recognize that there is goodness
and light in each of us,
and that our value as a person is innate,
meaning inborn and natural.
You do not need to go searching for your worth,
proving your worth, or earning your worth.
It was with you all the time.
It may have just been hidden under the judgments, trials,
and trauma of your human experience.
You might have buried it deep within you to keep it safe,
and even forgotten it was there.
You might have been distracted by the clamoring of society
telling you your worth is in the way you look,
your paycheck, your child's success,
or another person's acceptance of you.
Your value is also not based
on another person's ability to see or accept you.
What happens when our worth is tied
to something outside of ourselves?
People and experiences come along
and start pushing and pulling on our worth ties,
and we become like a string puppet,
being pushed and pulled in our own life
instead of being the captain of our own ship.
Along with this concept of worth ties,
I'd like to talk about painful experiences
and why we push them away.
Think of the last time
you had an emotionally painful experience.
Maybe it was a fight with someone you love
or a conflict with someone you don't love,
but have to work with.
Maybe it was something completely unrelated
that triggered a traumatic memory.
I have a question for you.
How did you react?
Were you able to emotionally work through it
and feel at peace,
or did you push the memory away,
trying your best to forget the way you felt,
trying to forget the emotions
and beliefs it brought up for you?
Like an unwanted guest, does that painful memory
keep intruding on the sacred space of your mind?
Haunting your thoughts,
sometimes paralyzing you with fear or shame.
Or other times, leaving you feeling enraged
at the injustice of the situation.
Often time, the reason we push painful experiences away
is because we have beliefs
about what those painful experiences say about us.
Because we have judged the experience and who we are
because of the experience
with often harsh judgment or even lies regarding our worth.
We may take an unjust level of responsibility
for another person's actions and find ourselves at fault.
We may believe another person's behavior defines who we are.
All of this creates incongruent beliefs,
heartbreak, and unbearable pain.
So we hide, we pretend,
and bury the falsehoods that we have accepted as truth.
I call this an incongruent belief,
meaning an inconsistent truth or alleged fact.
We hope deep down
that these incongruent beliefs aren't true,
but not being able to reconcile the confusion
that comes from having the truth distorted,
instead, we carry the incongruent belief with us,
fearing that even a small portion of the lies might be true.
When we buy into the lies,
we pick up the weight of the shame.
The heaviness of the shame is disproportionate to its size.
It's so small,
but it grows with darkness, secrecy, and fear.
We fear that someone might find out about it,
that someone might come to find out the real me.
We fear that the incongruent beliefs might be true.
Secrecy feeds the fear and the shame grows heavy,
because of the darkness and loneliness of the path.
It might take months, years, or decades,
but we become crushed by the weight of shame.
This creates shame, loneliness, and isolation in our lives.
We might even come to a point
where we believe the incongruent beliefs are true.
Instead of living in a place of loneliness and isolation,
there is another option.
It starts with putting down the shame, incongruent beliefs,
and false beliefs about your self-worth
and value that you picked up so long ago
and picking up self-compassion.
Bring yourself to the awareness
that when you are not treating yourself with compassion,
you are showing yourself contempt.
Put down the shame and contempt you have been carrying
and pick up self-compassion.
So I have a healing challenge for you.
The next time you feel the waves of shame,
fear, worthlessness, or loneliness,
I want you to ask yourself a question.
"What can I do in this moment
to treat myself with compassion?
What can I do right now to show myself compassion?"
Will you do me a favor?
If you know anyone that needs to hear this message today,
please share this video.
It would mean the world to me.
And remember to keep shining
and showing yourself compassion.
We need your light.
(gentle upbeat music)