Transcriber: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Claudia Sander
I want you to imagine something.
You're finishing a long week at work or school
and are looking ahead to Friday night.
What would you do?
Would you go to a party?
Stay in and watch TV?
Go to dinner with friends?
Or maybe relax with a cup of tea?
So, I'm going to ask:
can you raise your hand if you picked the party or dinner with friends?
OK.
So, if that's you, you're probably more of an extrovert,
someone who derives their energy by being around other people
in social situations.
Now, would you raise your hand if you picked the TV or cup of tea?
OK, if that's more of you - some of you enthusiastically -,
then you're probably more of an introvert,
someone who derives their energy by being alone
and is actually sapped by being around large groups of people
for extended periods of time.
Now, perhaps you were indifferent or torn between the two options.
Most people do fall between the two poles and are often labeled as ambiverts.
Now, it's important to know that was not a scientific study,
and that extroversion and introversion do not dictate
whether you're shy, or outgoing, or talkative, or withdrawn.
They're indicators of how you energize.
Well, for me, the option would be very easy:
I'd go to the party,
because I'd get to see my friends, and I'd get to dance and talk.
And then, on Saturday night, I'd go to a dinner,
because I'd get to see my friends, and eat, and talk.
And then, I'd organize a hike on Sunday
because I'd get to see my friends, and walk, and talk.
And you're probably getting a sense of what my weekends look like.
(Laughter)
On the well-established Big Five Personality Test,
which measures conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness to experience,
neuroticism and the topic of today's conversation, extroversion,
I scored 40 out of 40 points on the extroversion measure.
(Laughter)
And Carl Jung said there's no such thing as a pure introvert or a pure extrovert,
but I think I'm at least a pretty extreme extrovert.
Six years ago, I took a different test called the Gallup StrengthsFinder 2.0.
This is a widely used tool to assess one's top five strengths,
including things like adaptability, communication and intellection.
Those five strengths are divided into four domains:
executing, the ability to follow through on and implement ideas;
influencing, the ability to get other people
to buy into and support your ideas;
relationship building, the ability to bring groups of people together;
and strategic thinking, the ability to think about possibilities.
So, as I predicted where my strengths would lie,
I thought I'd do really well in relationship building.
After all, I'm an extrovert,
I'm really friendly, I love being around people.
I thought, you know, I'd be really high in connectedness,
includer, positivity.
I thought I'd be A+ at relationships.
The results, though, were shockingly distant from what I expected.
One of my strengths, "achiever," fell into the executing domain.
One, "strategic", fell into the strategic thinking domain.
And three, "activator," "communicator" and "woo" -
(Laughter)
"Woo" is the ability to get people to like you.
That's how it's defined, I think.
(Laughter)
Those all fell into the influencing domain.
I didn't have one strength of my top five in relationship building.
Honestly, after being told for so many years
that, "You light up the room and you make friends easily,"
I felt like a fraud.
And so, I went into defensiveness,
"This test doesn't know me. It was inaccurate."
But, over time, some more honest reflections started to creep in.
I started to realize I didn't know some really important things
about some of my best friends.
I'd catch myself tuning out when other people were talking.
And so, I pushed myself to read books
like "Emotional Intelligence" and "Give and Take."
I practiced intensive listening,
empathizing,
and demonstrating vulnerability.
I challenged myself to step back to create space for others to shine
and to be more open and honest about the challenges that I was facing.
Now, I know I still have plenty of work to do in this area,
but I think I've made progress.
And then, over the past year,
I came across some data that made me feel a whole lot less alone.
Trust me: for an extrovert, there's nothing better than being less alone.
(Laughter)
I'm currently teaching a leadership class here at TASOK,
and I had all of my students, 16 of them,
take both the Big Five Personality Test and the StrengthsFinder.
The results were very interesting.
Of my four most extroverted students, who are here pictured in orange,
ranging between 29 and 32 out of a score of 40,
those four most extroverted students
accounted for 72 percent of the class's influencing strengths,
but only 11 percent of the class's relationship building strengths.
This finding was reinforced by something I read,
that said that extroversion primarily impacts the quantity and intensity
of interpersonal relationships,
but it's actually agreeableness that impacts the quality of them.
Seeing this trend in my students made me feel a whole lot less like a fraud.
It made me feel like perhaps I was just a regular extrovert.
Perhaps I had conflated the ability to influence people
with the ability to build relationships with them.
I had assumed that extroversion alone was enough to connect.
After all, networking, sharing ideas, meeting people,
those all take place with others,
but true relationship building goes beyond those more transactional interactions
and into the deep nuances of connecting, understanding,
and demonstrating vulnerability.
I have come to see my extroversion as an aspect of my personality
that helps me to connect with other people and engage them,
but extroversion alone is not enough to connect.
For the introverts listening today
who might want to deepen their own relationship building skills,
I would encourage you to avoid falling into the same trap I did
and equating extroversion with the ability to connect.
Sure, extroversion may help you make first contact with other people,
but you may already have the qualities that build true relationships,
like curiosity and authenticity.
Channel those.
And for the extroverts listening,
you may benefit as I did from reflecting on the difference
between influencing and relationship building in your life.
Extroverts often find themselves in positions of influence,
and if we are to have the broadest and most positive impact possible,
then our relationships with others must be strong and multidimensional.
And so, when you're at the party, rather than hopping around the room,
take some time to learn about that person you're talking with.
When you're at the dinner, ask the revolutionary question
that will take the conversation to a new level.
And go on a hike with just one close friend,
and use that time to strengthen your bond.
Ultimately, I would challenge extroverts
to go beyond influencing and into a more meaningful place.
How can you transform your love of people
into a profound passion for meaningful human connection?
Thank you.