ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I was in Bangkok, and I try to get on
the elevator on the 15th floor.
The doors open.
There's Steven Seagal in a little Nancy Kwan outfit with
a prayer rug holding his massive girth and 2
bodyguards.
It was like, next elevator.
It's like, what the fuck?
Is it direct-to-video, motherfucker?
I can't take the same elevator as this
jowly fucking hairball?
What the fuck?
Yeah, but I've talked a lot of shit about Steven Seagal
lately, so if you see him tonight, that's
what those are for.
He's got a reach.
HELEN CHO: Next elevator.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Get under his reach.
Get under his reach.
DIANE SCHUTZ: --On the street.
Just on the street.
HELEN CHO: Next elevator, motherfucker.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: My name's Anthony Bourdain, and I work
with Zero Point Zero Production making a television
show called No Reservations.
I travel around the world eating and drinking and making
self-indulgent television.
We have a core road crew.
Diane Schutz, segment producer.
Helen Cho, the director of social media.
Zach Zamboni is a
cinematographer and a shooter--
camera person.
Then, of course, Tom Vitale, my go-to producer.
Basically, these are my partners in telling stories
all over the world.
These are the people who I spend most of my
waking hours with.
They're my closest associates and friends.
I have something to present to you tonight.
HELEN CHO: Oh, no.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: This is for you.
You might need this later.
HELEN CHO: Oh, I will.
That's sick.
DIANE SCHUTZ: That's pretty awesome.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Let's go eat.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I had no life outside of
the restaurant business.
I was at work all day, and at night, I would go out with
other chefs and talk about business.
So the transition to television, in that regard,
isn't that much of a leap.
What do I do?
I work all day.
I'm friends with the people I work with.
And when we're not working, when the cameras are off, we
continue to eat and drink and talk about work.
So--
there it is.
ZACH ZAMBONI: We're going to Salumeria Rosi.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Every once in a while, like special treat
at the Bourdain household, I'll run over there and buy a
big pile of meat.
We're going to see the wizard.
The wonderful wizard of meat.
Thank you for hosting us.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Hey, Cesare.
CESARE CASELLA: Hey, how are you?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Cesare's an old friend.
He's made a bunch of shows with us.
Cesare, like a lot of the chefs I've come to know and
who I've come to be close friends with--
as is so often the case in my fucked-up, dysfunctional, but
wonderful life--
we started out as TV friends and became real friends.
SERVER: Are you-- you order, or--
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I think what we'd like is a selection of
cured meat.
CESARE CASELLA: OK.
ZACH ZAMBONI: A little bit of cheese.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Just split.
CESARE CASELLA: Fantastic.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Beautiful.
Good cured meat is something that's always good.
It won't be too punishing early on.
We're going for the long haul, here.
Experience has taught me that it would have been a bad idea
to start off with a pasta tasting earlier in the meal,
followed by meat and more drink.
I couldn't do that to my friends.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Whoa!
DIANE SCHUTZ: OK, that's tweetworthy.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Look at that.
It's a low-impact place to grab really good food, and one
of those places that I think, just by existing, are
good for the world.
I mean, he makes and sells products there that other
people either don't do, wouldn't do,
or can't do as well.
And I think it's just a person and a place that I feel really
connected to.
It's a happy day for me when I can go there [INAUDIBLE].
Delicious.
HELEN CHO: Amazing.
CESARE CASELLA: So this is the fagioli [INAUDIBLE].
DIANE SCHUTZ: Nice.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I love that man.
See, this is something that's just irresistible to me.
I'm happy now.
This is exactly how I like to eat.
Part of the process of making the show is tweeting about it
and engaging the fans.
We're all serial tweeters.
It's at the pathetic point.
We are some sad motherfuckers here.
Look at us.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Like a bunch of tweens.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Right.
So, the question I had in my mind tonight was, if any of
you got like some big hunk of sauce or mashed bean hanging
off your cheek, would I tell you?
HELEN CHO: Yeah, would you?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: You know, revenge for season 2.
There was one episode where I had a nostril hair like this
long hanging out-- a crusty one.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Oh, you mean New Zealand?
ZACH ZAMBONI: That was Uzbekistan.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Excellent.
I mean, everybody on TV has to live with the likelihood that
if they hit their head, shit their pants, get arrested--
that they will themselves end up on camera.
But for a sustained night out with a camera
relentlessly on them--
were they uncomfortable?
Who cares.
I wallowed in their discomfort.
ZACH ZAMBONI: We usually drink when we shoot, so feel free.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Everybody we got with is like, such an old
whore, productionwise.
CAMERAMAN: Zach, you can't be shooting this show, either.
ZACH ZAMBONI: OK, here.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Zach's thinking about the lighting.
Diane's bussing the table.
And I'm thinking, well, did you pay?
Because there is really now lower person in this world
than somebody who ends up stiffing waiters.
There is a 10th circle of hell just for them.
So that guy's paying?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: OK, good.
Tack on--
DIANE SCHUTZ: Thank you.
SERVER: You're very welcome.
Have fun tonight.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Did he tip well?
ZACH ZAMBONI: 30%.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: 30%.
OK.
Damn.
HELEN CHO: Damn.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: We don't tip that well.
Let's pretend you were producing this segment.
How would we deal with this transition here?
Did you risk [INAUDIBLE]?
Did you say, ask them where we're going now?
HELEN CHO: Damn, he's onto us.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Shit.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Apparently we'll be moving on to The
Distinguished Wakamba Lounge.
Do you like a little Latin flavor?
Do you like 8th Avenue in the '30s?
DIANE SCHUTZ: That's my [INTERPOSING VOICES].
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I've never puked in front of
witnesses in my life.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Ever?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: And I'm not going to start now.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Really?
Ever?
Come on.
HELEN CHO: Tonight is the night, Tony.
Tonight is the night.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: When I was a junkie, I would throw up in
the great outdoors.
But outside of the heroin experience, no.
I still remember the girl who threw up next to me in second
grade, so that was an important experience.
Terry Jones--
lifted up her desk and blew chunks into her desk.
OK?
And that made a big impression on me.
And I was like, that's not going to be me.
So I'm pretty good at holding onto my shit.
Thank you.
I know a bar with a pool.
It's right behind the bar, the swimming pool is.
Last time I was there, I got fucking buck naked.
That was quite some time ago, but--
yeah.
Pre-fatherhood.
I'm a distinguished motherfucker now.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Yeah, it's true.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Hence The Distinguished Wakamba Lounge.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Yes.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: We're all thinking the same thing when
we go into a restaurant or a bar.
First thing we're thinking is music.
You can't afford that music.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Uh-oh.
Unplug the jukebox.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Stop producing the show.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: The Distinguished Wakamba Lounge--
one of the last dive bars of its kind.
There are plenty of Irish dive bars around, but this is
really something unique to Manhattan.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Presidente?
Definitely you want to be drinking the Presidente--
good stuff there.
They keep it properly cold, as any proud Dominican
[INAUDIBLE] should be.
All right, so who's been here before?
ZACH ZAMBONI: No one?
DIANE SCHUTZ: No, never.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Why?
It's enchanting?
ZACH ZAMBONI: How come we haven't shot here?
HELEN CHO: No, we were going to shoot for the holiday.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: This one's my special place.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Aw, you didn't want to fuck it up.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: The Wakamba Lounge has remained unchanged,
unapologetically and unironically.
That's important.
There's nothing hipster about the Wakamba Lounge.
It is what it is.
Anyone who's just compelled to go there after having seen
this-- please don't fuck it up.
So what are we drinking shots of?
Because we're drinking shots of something.
Definitely not tequila.
HELEN CHO: No, let's do whiskey.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Whiskey.
I think Jameson.
HELEN CHO: Jame-o?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: A good Catholic whiskey.
HELEN CHO: Let's just drink Jame-o.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Jame-o.
DIANE SCHUTZ: You sound so Williamsburg.
HELEN CHO: What?
I am not from Williamsburg, Diane.
DIANE SCHUTZ: I'm just saying it sounded--
HELEN CHO: I'm from Brooklyn.
Oh, sorry.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Come here, buddy.
Come on, pal.
Yeah.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: In order to be on this show, if you want
the shot, you take the shot.
ZACH ZAMBONI: Yeah.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: That's the way it works.
Yeah, there's no getting in and out of there without doing
a few shots.
I just love that place.
It's politically incorrect.
So, Helen.
I pledge to you now.
HELEN CHO: And this is not drunk talk.
This is real talk.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I will sing Mark Lanegan's "Wedding Dress"
at your wedding.
HELEN CHO: You fucking pinky-swear me, dude!
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Nice Korean boy, though.
HELEN CHO: He has to be Korean?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I've been talking to your mom, yo.
HELEN CHO: And a Christian--
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Mazel tov.
HELEN CHO: Mazel tov.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Mazel tov!
HELEN CHO: Oh my God.
I'm going to get so fired, man.
What do you think of [INAUDIBLE]?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: What the fuck?
I entrusted you with this terrible--
HELEN CHO: I won't care.
I'll put it away.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: --Power.
You keep it in the fucking silo.
Get in there, yo.
Jesus.
I mean, late night, you want to keep it simple.
You're going to be beyond your powers to evaluate a fine
dining experience.
Your ability to be a good customer is certainly
diminishing.
Some of us get a little rowdy late at night.
So I figured it would be a good idea to
keep it close to home.
So that means my old base of operations, Les Halles, where
it all started for me.
We'll be having a classic French meal.
HELEN CHO: What are you making for us?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: It's a surprise.
HELEN CHO: It's a surprise?
ZACH ZAMBONI: Let me guess-- does it involve beef?
Beef surprise.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: No, no.
HELEN CHO: That sounds boring.
What kind of surprise?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: It's a vegetable
medley of locally sourced--
HELEN CHO: Vegetables?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Artisanally produced--
HELEN CHO: Vegetable, fuck that, man!
You going to break my heart?
ZACH ZAMBONI: Anthony.
HELEN CHO: You going to make us tofu?
ZACH ZAMBONI: People will see this.
HELEN CHO: Anthony, right.
Because we always call him Anthony.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: It's a whole new me.
HELEN CHO: Um, hello, Mr. Anthony.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: He's back, and this time, it's for real.
RESTAURANT PATRON 1: Oh my god!
Oh my god!
RESTAURANT PATRON 2: We're huge fans of your show.
That's why we came here.
RESTAURANT PATRON 3: You're the best.
I love you.
RESTAURANT PATRON 4: Can we take a
picture with you, please?
RESTAURANT PATRON 5: Hey, man--
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I've got to go to work!
RESTAURANT PATRON 5: But I got engaged to my first wife here,
in this restaurant.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Oh, yeah?
RESTAURANT PATRON 5: This is my soon to be second wife.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Well, I'm sorry about
the first time around.
RESTAURANT PATRON 5: But it worked out.
RESTAURANT PATRON 6: You brought me luck.
Thank you.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: That was weird.
I was a chef there when Kitchen Confidential hit, and
Carlos, who worked with me then, is now
the executive chef.
Carlos!
CARLOS: Chef.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: How you doing, brother?
OK, I'd like to throw a couple of cote du boeuf on the grill.
CARLOS: OK.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Cook up some cote du boeuf for my friends.
Can you trust me with that?
Think I'm good enough?
What's great about Les Halles is they were completely
unimpressed with me in the kitchen from the get-go.
Carlos is a good friend, of course.
Also, he's been on the show many times.
But I think what they see first when I
walk into the kitchen--
I think they're all privately hoping, oh, God, please don't
let him cook.
I'm seen as a liability to the smooth operations of the
kitchen, not as famoso.
If anything, they bust my balls somewhat worse than they
did when I was working on the line.
CARLOS: Don't fuck it up, OK?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I don't get to cook much.
People ask me a lot-- do you miss cooking?
Well, I don't miss standing in the kitchen for 16 hours a
day, and I'm at an age where I wouldn't be good at that
anymore, anyway.
You'll get an opportunity to cook at home.
On the road, I'm eating most of the time.
So when I get to cook for my crew, that's a deeply
satisfying thing.
An all too rare thing.
There's a Martha Stewart side of me, honestly.
Throwing together a little meal for a few friends--
I like doing it.
What?
HELEN CHO: Are you making food for us, or what?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I'm making food.
It's going to take some-- look at that piece of meat.
It's a big fucking piece of meat, OK?
HELEN CHO: Let me see.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: It's going to take some time.
All right.
Could you watch that for me for a little bit?
CARLOS: Don't worry.
[INAUDIBLE].
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: As always, yeah.
HELEN CHO: We need to do shots.
Carlos--
shot.
We want a shot.
CARLOS: I'm still working.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: I'm lame.
I can't even maintain the illusion that I cook anymore.
I don't even have the energy for that shit.
CARLOS: We worked for almost a year and a half.
He's fun, man.
That guy is fucking fun.
He likes hardcore, like Slipknot, Deftones, Pantera--
all that.
He was a fun guy to work with.
All the other guys like when they come here, because they
want to be part of the show, obviously.
He's a big fucking star now.
When he comes around, people freak out.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Here we go.
The difference between him and me is that he gets pussy off
this fucking show.
I don't.
CARLOS: You know what, I really thank you for that,
because I've been getting laid so much.
HELEN CHO: Yeah, Carlos!
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Me?
No.
CARLOS: Seriously, it's like Captain Morgan.
I can't even count them.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Aw, I'm so proud.
HELEN CHO: I know.
We are so proud.
We're so happy for you, Carlos.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: Yeah, I'm flying to Burgundy tomorrow to
make love to Mr. [INAUDIBLE], and he's getting fucking laid.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
DIANE SCHUTZ: Wow.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: This is amazing.
So happy.
Very good.
You'll notice it's a constant.
Everybody in my life will get on my show.
Where does reality end and television begin?
Where does work end and fun begin?
It's such a permeable line.
I can't tell.
I'm in this very weird place where I get paid to be myself.
Is this a reality show?
I don't even [INAUDIBLE]
I don't even know what reality is.
I just know what we do, and it's a lot of fun, and it's
interesting.
And I work with them.
[THEME MUSIC]