[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ay, what up?
It's the number-one show on "Late Night."
But you know what?
More than hosts, we're also EPs, which means we're bosses,
which means we have employees--
--which means we have to check in on them
and make sure that they're doing well during this pandemic.
And also we want to be like, damn, bitch.
You live like this?
Come with us as we check in with our staff.
[INTRO MUSIC]
State your name, governor.
Hi, it's Heben.
Welcome to your performance review.
If you had to describe your mental state using an emoji,
what emoji would you use?
Just the closing monkey eye.
MERO: Oh, yes. DESUS: Oh, oh.
Listen, shout-out to you for using that emoji because you're
one of the few people on staff that can use
that emoji without going to HR.
[LAUGHS]
So that was very smart of you.
Using an emoji, describe your mental state.
Eggplant, peach, vomit.
Oh.
Yeah
That sounds familiar.
That cowboy one with like the really just blank, dumb smile,
like--
that's the one that's like, everything's
on fire around you, and he's just like, this is fine.
You have one of the best beards in the office.
You know that, right?
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Who do you feel has the weakest
facial hair in the office?
Probably Nick.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
He does look kind of like a full-grown Puerto
Rican uncle that's a baby.
So first of all, I got a haircut yesterday.
If I had a weak beard, why would he
ask when he was cutting my sideburns if it's
going to connect or not?
Satthra!
You're very lucky that that is one of the most adorable babies
we have ever seen because otherwise we would
roast that child mercilessly.
You have a baby during a pandemic.
Right, while also keeping us very drippy.
You know, it's less of a pandemic
and more of like a one-year maternity leave,
so shout out to you guys.
Josh, first of all, we'd like to apologize for constantly
hooking you on the show, roasting you, saying
terrible things about you.
But then I stopped and thought about it.
If anything, that is you gentrifying our show
through your whiteness, so if anything,
you should apologize to us, so.
Tha-- I mean, you're the boss, so I
apologize for gentrifying the show with my whiteness,
sure, yeah. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Yo, salute.
Do you feel you've reached your sucio potential?
Yes.
Oh, listen, the incognito tabs is wild.
Yeah.
How often are you deleting your browser history?
I don't because I'm on incognito as well.
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! - That's right!
Adam, do you have something to say?
That's how he came to be.
[LAUGHS]
So listen.
You're in charge of social media,
but do you feel you have reached your social media sucio status?
I started doing a little bit.
I started putting acrylic nails on Mero,
so I feel like that's the first step.
Yeah, baby steps.
Next thing you know, full-blown full frontal on Twitter.
Let's go.
You know what I'm saying?
Is there any erotica in that library?
There's some in there. There's all--
I see some.
I see some bell hooks, which is intellectual erotica, OK?
Listen--
All right?
No kink-shaming, and that includes sapiosexuality,
know what I'm saying?
Oh my God.
Will you stop?
I do not identify as a sapiosexual.
People, let's say it.
Shout-out to everyone that gets horny off Twitter bios.
Heben, for being sapiosexual, I give you a 10.
I'm black girl blushing.
So we're going to make that a hashtag and make a lot of money
off it.
Very rare 69 double, bro.
Yeah, nice!
I'm going to give you shorty at 104.
"yo who is shorty @ 1:04??"
What is her name?
Sadly, because you are a black male,
I'm going to give you one eight because you're not used
to winning in America, and that's to humble
you and just remind you we-- you know, that's how it is with us.
That's fine.
That's-- you right.
What are you eating?
Like a grilled cheese sandwich.
It's like--
Really?
On a Zoom call with your bosses?
Your lactose-intolerant bosses, and you're just going to eat
grilled cheese in front of us?
Should I have spit it out? [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Yeah, bro. - Yeah, it's super hot.
Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro.
Yeah!
That's what I'm talkin' Yeah, bro.
Custom content.
Custom content. - Yeah!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
For that, I am giving you 53 roses, bro.
Keep the content comin', bro.
That's what we're talking about.