"The Stig will now drive each of your cars around the track,
which, to make it more real, has been fitted with three speed humps.
You will be in the back with a patient
and, in the course of one lap, you will put his intestines back in,
insert a drip and fit a catheter.
Points will be awarded for speed
and how much of the medical work you complete successfully.
What? Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap?
-Yes! Yes. -Up it?
-Not on it? -No.
Hammond elected to go first and, once his patient had been loaded,
a rather bemused Stig took his place at the wheel.
-Oh, he's not in a good way at all. -He?
-It's a girl. -Oh, yeah.
-Oh, no, or is it, though? -It's a girl from where I am.
-Just have a look under there. -Is that just a bit of...?
-There's a thing! -It's a ladyboy!
Anyway, it's a medical emergency.
Get out of the way. I've got to get on with this.
In three, two, one...
Go!
Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah! The wheels were a mistake!
I'm really sorry, mate, just try and put your guts back in the...
Airway, that's a priority! That goes in here.
Now he's being sick on me! I'm covered in...
Stop vomiting, you idiot!
This is the willy bit. You probably can't see on television.
This has to go in the end.
Now I'm covered in wee!
Speed hump...
That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond.
I would've thought so, yes.
How do I get the blood out of the bag?
-I'm tempted to move back. -Do you know? I agree.
'Cause it is Das Stig!
Stig!
Whoa!
There he is.
Across the line!
The two minutes 17 lap had taken its toll on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.
Holy Moley! Look at the state of him. What's that?
-Being an ambulance man is a tough job. -What is that?
It's wee.
-Is it yours? -No.
Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.
Three, two, one, go!
-Should I start the stopwatch now? -Well, this is part of the...
Well, it's taking time.
-Is his seat fastened down? -Yeah.
What he's done is take a length of one of those stair lifts.
I think you may have overdone it slightly on closing the tailgate, Stig.
You get in and we'll fasten you in. Your lap time is going to be shocking.
-You haven't started the stopwatch? -Yeah.
-Course we have! -I haven't set off yet!
-You did set off! -It's your call, isn't it?
Hurry up!
Go!
-He's gone! -He's gone now.
Nine minutes 30 to get to there. That's not brilliant.
Can you hear me, man, woman? No? Right, breathing? Possibly not.
Putting...
The hearse-bulance coped brilliantly with the corners.
That's his guts back in.
But less well on the speed humps.
Keep going!
He's going to make it!
Here he comes.
-Hammond, run for your life! -I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance!
Across the line!
James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.
-Twelve minutes and 28 seconds! -Oh, get lost!
-It was! -It was.
It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history.
Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche and immediately, there was a problem.
Good. He's kicked the patient.
Shut up!
Eventually, though, the ape was in position.
Begin!
Is he focusing on getting the drip in? Or is he focusing on...?
Trust in me, trust in me...
Holy mother of God!
It hurts so much!
You maniac!
Stupid man!
Oh, God, what happens when I go over a speed bump?
I don't like this!
Here he comes.
I'm in a scene from Carrie!
I want Josh back from Casualty!
God!
And across the line!
Oh, dear!
And then, to complete my humiliation...
Two... 24.
-Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...? -Yeah!
-You were 2:12 or something, weren't you? -Yep.
Did he slow down at all for the speed humps?
Nope. That's why we got air.
-Right, that's my drawback. -Well, you can't...
I mean, it's a Porsche! You can't hit the sp...
It hasn't got the clearance!
-He ripped his bumper off. -Speed bumps.
Six hundred thousand people a year
are killed in the back of ambulances by speed humps.
-What you're doing is making that up. -Yes, but making a point as well.
-I'm making it up to make a point. -If it's one or more, it's an issue.
-Agreed! -Go over it too fast, patient dies.
-Yeah. -Slow down to make it comfortable,
patient dies 'cause they don't reach the hospital in time.
Until this Government gets rid of every single speed hump,
we're all going to die.