Because it is Christmas today, as far as we're concerned,
we thought we'd indulge in a very special holiday tradition
and read a Christmas tale.
This one's slightly updated.
It's called "'Twas a While Before Christmas."
And, well, as you'll see,
it's been updated for our current circumstances.
Here we go. Gather round, kids.
'Twas a while before Christmas, perhaps a bit longer,
I just traded my Lexapro for something much stronger.
Our children are feral, their bedtime's whenever,
we're wiping down Postmates delivered by Trevor.
The stockings were hung on the Peloton with care.
I know what you're thinking, but we use it, I swear.
The West Coast was burning, and the politics were mean,
the maskless rose up and spread COVID-19.
We marched, and held signs, and made calls to our reps.
We all joined Antifa just to get in our steps.
We clung to our TV sets, bingeing with shame,
from each streaming service.
We all know their names:
On Netflix.
On Hulu. On Amazon Prime.
Should I sign up for Quibi?
You know what, I'm fine.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
contact-free pizza, so I could get fatter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash.
"Leave it on the porch, take your tip, yes, it's cash."
Instead, there stood Santa, who was looking quite round.
But listen, who hasn't packed on a few pounds?
I went in for a hug and he shunned my advances.
He said, "Sorry, bud, but I can't take any chances."
Then he left in a flurry of anti-bac spray,
some N-95s where the cookies once lay.
He yelled, "Everything's canceled, thanks to COVID-19.
I'll be back next year, if we have a vaccine."
I stared at the clouds with a glimmer of hope.
My CNN news alert replied and said, "Nope."
I dropped to my knees, wagging fist to the sky,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good cry."
That's just lovely.
Anyway- (Andy laughs)
Thanks a lot, Dad.
No problem.
That's gonna kill at the office Christmas party.
(Andy laughs)
That's yours to keep.