>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HAVE A LOVELY-- LOVELY SIP OF MY COFFEE HERE UPON GET ALL
ZIPPED UP.
THERE YOU GO.
SOUND LOVES THAT, DON'T THEY?
DON'T THE SOUND GUYS LOVE THAT.
JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, ANYBODY SEEING ME WALKING DOWN THE
STREET TODAY-- THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO WORK TODAY.
THIS IS HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN RIDING TODAY.
BECAUSE WE WERE SHOCKED, RIGHT.
WE DID NOT KNOW HOW INTERESTING THIS DAY WAS GOING TO BE IN THAT
IT WAS FAR LESS BORING THAN WE THOUGHT.
BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN, AGAIN.
BECAUSE IT'S DAY ONE OF THE SECOND IMPEACHMENT OF THE 45th
PRESIDENT.
I GOT THAT REALLY FEELING OF DEJA COUP.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY UNFORTUNATELY NECESSARY SEGMENT,
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB
BASTARD, AND I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!
A HORRIBLE JOB.
I DID HORRIBLE JOB" HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB
BASTARD, I DID A HORRIBLE JOB!
A HORRIBLE JOOOB!
HE DID A HORRIBLE JOOOB!
YEAH!
>> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT.
IT IS ONE YEAR AND FOUR DAYS SINCE WE FINISHED UP THE LAST
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF THE SAME PRESIDENT, FEBRUARY OF 2020.
OH, WE WERE SO YOUNG THEN.
I LONG FOR A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN PEOPLE HIDING FROM NAZIS AND NOT
LEAVING THEIR HOUSE FOR MONTHS WERE JUST THE PLOTS OF "JOJO
RABBIT" AND "PARASITE."
IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE TRIAL, REPUBLICANS WERE GRASPING AT
STRAWS TO JUSTIFY THEIR OPPOSITION TO IMPEACHMENT.
TAKE R.N.C. CHAIR AND WOMAN PRETENDING TO THINK,
RONNA McDANIEL.
YESTERDAY, McDANIEL TWEETED, "BIDEN SHOULD HEED LINCOLN'S
WORDS BY URGING DEMOCRATS IN THE SENATE TO ABANDON THEIR
POLITICAL GAME OF IMPEACHMENT."
NOT SURE YOU WANT TO BRING LINCOLN INTO THIS ONE, RONNA.
HE WAS NEVER A HUGE FAN OF YOUR FLAG.
BUT THE DUMBEST G.O.P. ARGUMENT AGAINST IMPEACHMENT MIGHT HAVE
COME FROM WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING
REMINDED TO BREATHE.
ON SUNDAY, JOHNSON SAID IMPEACHMENT MIGHT BE A SINISTER
DISTRACTION BY NANCY PELOSI.
>> YOU HAVE TO KIND OF ASK THE QUESTION, "WHAT IS THIS
IMPEACHMENT ALL ABOUT?" WE NOW KNOW THAT 45 REPUBLICAN
SENATORS BELIEVE IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
IS THIS ANOTHER DIVERSIONARY OPERATION?
IS THIS MEANT TO DEFLECT AWAY FROM POTENTIALLY WHAT THE
SPEAKER KNEW AND WHEN SHE KNEW IT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SUSPICIOUS.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE!
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
PELOSI DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO GET BIDEN ELECTED, KNOWING
FULL WELL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD FOMENT LIES
ABOUT HOW IT WAS RIGGED, CULMINATING IN A VIOLENT
INSURRECTION, HOWLING FOR HER BLOOD IN THE TEMPLE OF AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY, ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER PODIUM MOVED FOR FREE!
YOU YOU WIN THIS TIME, NANCY!
TODAY WAS BILLED AS "DRY LEGAL ARGUMENTS" OVER THE WORDING OF
IMPEACHMENT IN THE CONSTITUTION.
AND THE SENATORS SET ASIDE FOUR HOURS TO DEBATE THIS ISSUE.
IF YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL ARGUMENT LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS,
TRY HAVING SEX.
IT'S WAY MORE FUN.
BUT THE PROSECUTORS WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE HEART WITH A
DEVASTATING VIDEO PROVING THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY AND THE RIOT
AT THE CAPITOL WERE ONE AND THE SAME THING.
I WOULD PLAY IT FOR YOU, BUT IT IS VERY HARD TO WATCH.
YOU WOULD NEED A BOX OF KLEENEX-- IF NOT A PONCHO-- AND
PERHAPS EVEN A DIAPER.
IT WAS ESPECIALLY HARD TO WATCH FOR THE COWARDS IN THE SENATE,
LIKE FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, WHO STUDIED PAPERS IN HIS LAP,
TAKING ONLY THE TINIEST GLIMPSES AT THE SCREEN TO HIS RIGHT.
AND ARKANSAS SENATOR TOM COTTON, WHO ALSO FOCUSED ON PAPERS IN
FRONT OF HIM INSTEAD OF ON THE IMAGES DEPICTING THE
INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL.
AND MARCO RUBIO DID THE SAME.
AND RAND PAUL, WHO INSTEAD OF WATCHING, LOOKED DOWN AT THE PAD
OF LINED PAPER IN HIS LAP, WHERE HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN DOODLING
WITH A PENCIL.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY GENTLEMEN: SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO
EVIL MAKES YOU SEEM KIND OF EVIL.
I WONDER WHAT RAND PAUL WAS DOODLING INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT
THE VIDEO.
MAYBE A GAME OF HANGMAN?
LET'S SEE HOW CLOSE HE GOT.
MIKE-ENCE?
SO WITH THAT 13-MINUTE VIDEO, HOUSE MANAGERS BASICALLY PROVED
THEIR CASE: YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY FROM THE
VIOLENT ATTACK ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN SEPARATE GORILLA GLUE FROM
THAT LADY'S HAIR.
TODAY, 44 REPUBLICAN SENATORS VOTED THAT THE TRIAL WAS
UNCONSTITUTIONAL, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS TRIAL.
WELL, TOUGH NUTS.
THE COUNTRY IS LIKE A BAR, AND THE LAST PRESIDENT PUKED IN THE
BATHROOM.
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO CLEAN IT UP, OR WE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM
ANYMORE.
OH, AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO BE A BUSBOY.
SO GRAB A MOP AND DO YOUR JOB.
AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND A MOP, USE RAND PAUL'S HAIR.
HOUSE MANAGER JAMIE RASKIN SPOKE ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT WOULD BE
FOR THE COUNTRY IF THE SENATE COULDN'T TRY FORMER PRESIDENTS.
>> THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT IF YOU COMMIT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE IN
YOUR LAST FEW WEEKS IN OFFICE, YOU DO IT WITH CONSTITUTIONAL
IMPUNITY.
YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.
THIS WOULD CREATE A BRAND-NEW JANUARY EXCEPTION TO THE
CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- A JANUARY
EXCEPTION.
>> Stephen: YES, A JANUARY EXCEPTION-- WHICH IS WHAT I CALL
IT WHEN I DO DRY JANUARY AND START DRINKING ON THE 7th
BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED ON THE 6th.
AND HE'S RIGHT.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THAT FOR THEIR LAST MONTH IN OFFICE,
PRESIDENTS GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
IT'S LIKE IF, INSTEAD OF SENIOR SKIP DAY, HIGH SCHOOLS HAD
SENIOR STAB DAY.
MAYBE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS ARE RIGHT.
MAYBE THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID WANT PRESIDENTS TO GET AWAY WITH
ANYTHING IN THE LAST PART OF THEIR TERM.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "LAME DUCK."
BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE DANGEROUS ANIMAL THAN A CORNERED
DUCK.
OH, THEY'LL PECK AT YOUR SHINS LIKE THEY WERE CRUSTY BAGUETTES.
AND WHEN IT CAME TO WHETHER THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHABLE AFTER
LEAVING OFFICE, RASKIN REACHED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF THE
REPUBLIC.
>> THE TRUE RULE WAS STATED BY FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY
ADAMS WHEN HE CATEGORICALLY DECLARED, "I HOLD MYSELF SO LONG
AS I HAVE THE BREATH OF LIFE IN MY BODY AMENABLE TO IMPEACHMENT
BY THE HOUSE FOR EVERYTHING I DID DURING THE TIME I HELD ANY
PUBLIC OFFICE."
>> Stephen: YES, INDEED.
THAT IS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS' SECOND MOST FAMOUS QUOTE AFTER,
"I'M NOT THE PAUL GIAMATTI ONE.
THAT'S MY DAD."
WHEN RASKIN WAS FINISHED, IMPEACHMENT MANAGER JOE NEGUSE
TOOK OVER, AND HE GAVE THE SENATORS A HISTORY LESSON.
>> IN 1797, ABOUT A DECADE AFTER OUR COUNTRY RATIFIED OUR
CONSTITUTION, THERE WAS A SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE BY THE
NAME OF WILLIAM BLUNT, WHO WAS CAUGHT CONSPIRING WITH THE
BRITISH TO TRY TO SELL FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA.
>> Stephen: FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA TO THE BRITISH?
THAT'S CRAZY.
REPUBLICANS KNOW A GREAT PRESIDENT OFFERS TO TRADE PUERTO
RICO FOR GREENLAND TO DENMARK.
NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THESE CONSTITUTIONAL ORIGINALISTS ARE
ARGUING THAT YOU CAN'T IMPEACH SOMEONE ONCE THEY'VE LEFT
OFFICE.
WELL, NEGUSE CURB-STOMPED THAT WITH THE FOUNDERS' OWN BOOTS.
>> FOUR DAYS LATER, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
IMPEACHED HIM.
A DAY AFTER THAT, THIS BODY, THE UNITED STATES SENATE, EXPELLED
HIM FROM OFFICE, SO HE WAS VERY MUCH A FORMER OFFICIAL.
DESPITE THAT, THE HOUSE WENT FORWARD WITH ITS IMPEACHMENT,
PROCEEDING IN ORDER TO DISQUALIFY HIM FROM EVER AGAIN
HOLDING FEDERAL OFFICE.
AND SO THE SENATE PROCEEDED WITH THE TRIAL, WITH NONE OTHER THAN
THOMAS JEFFERSON PRESIDING.
>> Stephen: WOW.
JEFFERSON HIMSELF PRESIDED.
THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR THE DEFENSE TO REFUTE.
IT'S LIKE T.J. SAID, "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, EXCEPT FOR
THE 45th PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM.
WERE THEY KICKED IN THE HEAD BY A HORSE?"
AFTER THAT, WE HEARD FROM ANOTHER IMPEACHMENT MANAGER,
DAVID CICILLINI, WHO LAID A HARD TRUTH ON THE CROWD.
>> MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, AS YOU THINK ABOUT THAT DAY, THINGS
COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE.
AS ONE SENATOR SAID, "THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US."
>> Stephen: THAT IS CHILLING.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DEFENSE'S REBUTTAL.
"OKAY, I SUPPOSE THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US, BUT THEY
REALLY ONLY WANTED TO KILL YOU GUYS.
SO MOTION TO DISMISS?
ANYONE?
NO?
AFTER A SHORT RECESS, IT WAS TIME FOR BRUCE CASTOR, THE
PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, TO ARGUE ON HIS BEHALF.
>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.
I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen:
"I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- SORRY, THE DEFENSE-- HERE TO
PROVE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY-- SORRY, INNOCENT-- AND
SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL-- SORRY, TO MAR-A-LAGO!
WOW.
I GUESS FREUD'S MOM'S GOT MY PENIS-- I MEAN, MY CAT'S
TONGUE!"
CAT'S TONGUE!
BUT I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE CASTOR THOUGHT HE WAS ON, GIVEN
HOW IMPRESSED HE WAS BY THE HOUSE MANAGERS' CASE.
>> BEFORE I BEGIN, I WANT TO COMMENT ON THE OUTSTANDING
PRESENTATION FROM OUR OPPONENTS.
I'LL BE QUITE FRANK WITH YOU: WE CHANGED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO
ON ACCOUNT THAT WE THOUGHT THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION WAS
WELL DONE.
>> Stephen:
"AND, UH, WHEN IT-- WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE OTHER GUYS WERE
PREPARED, WE CALLED AN AUDIBLE AND DECIDED TO BE PREPARED
OURSELVES.
AND YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE HOW HARD OF A DECISION THAT WAS FOR US,
SINCE WE ARE, AGAIN, COMPLETELY UNPREPARED."
BUT I'LL GIVE CASTOR THIS: THE MAN CAN TALK.
AND TALK.
>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.
I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
I WAS ASSISTANT D.A. FOR SUCH A LONG TIME...
SENATORS OF THE UNITED STATES, THEY ARE NOT ORDINARY PEOPLE.
THERE ARE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE...
IT WAS HAPPENING IN ATHENS, AND IT WAS HAPPENING IN ROME...
"HE WHO WOULD TRADE LIBERTY FOR SOME TEMPORARY SECURITY DESERVE
NEITHER LIBERTY NOR SECURITY.
I WORKED IN THIS BUILDING 40 YEARS AGO.
I GOT LOST THEN, AND I STILL DO.
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL!
CASTOR WAS SO RAMBLING, THERE WERE TIMES IT SEEMED LIKE HIS
PLAN WAS TO PUT EVERYBODY TO SLEEP, THEN GRAB THE ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT AND JUST TIPTOE OUT.
EVEN C-SPAN TRIED TO SAVE THEIR RATINGS BY SWITCHING TO LIVE
TESTIMONY FROM THE HOUSE SUBCOMMITTEE ON PAINT DRYING.
NOW, OCCASIONALLY, CASTOR STUMBLED ON AN ACTUAL POINT--
LIKE WHEN HE ARGUED IMPEACHMENT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN VERY MUCH.
>> UNTIL THE IMPEACHMENT OF BILL CLINTON, NO ONE ALIVE HAD EVER
LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL IMPEACHMENT, NOT UNLESS SOME OF
YOU ARE 150 YEARS OLD.
NOT A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE HAD LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL
IMPEACHMENT.
NOW MOST OF US HAVE LIVED THROUGH THREE OF THEM.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE SAFETY VALVE, THE LAST
THING THAT HAPPENS, THE MOST RARE TREATMENT.
>> Stephen: IDEALLY, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR THEM
TO BE RARE.
THAT'S LIKE THE POLICE GOING, "WELL, PROSECUTING TRIPLE
HOMICIDES IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RARE OCCURRENCE.
WE HAD ONE LAST WEEK, SO LET'S CALL THESE THREE HEADLESS BODIES
AN OOPSY-DAISY."
COULD THEY HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON A RAILROAD TRACK?
THEN WE GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS, DAVID
SCHOEN, WHO PLAYED "BAD COP" TO CASTOR'S "BAD LAWYER."
AND SOMEHOW, AFTER BEING LITERALLY ATTACKED BY A MOB,
SCHOEN ARGUED THAT THE REAL THREAT TO THE SENATE WAS THE
IMPEACHMENT HEARING ITSELF.
>> I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT IF THESE PROCEEDINGS GO FORWARD,
EVERYONE WILL LOOK BAD.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S WHY WE OPEN WITH YOU CLOWNS.
IT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD BY COMPARISON.
SCHOEN TRIED TO DEFEND HIS CLIENT BY PLAYING A MONTAGE OF
DEMOCRATS SAYING THEY WANTED TO IMPEACH AS FAR BACK AS 2017.
UH, DAVE?
THAT'S NOT THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH YOU THINK IT IS.
( AS LAWYER )
BURN DOWN THAT SCHOOL.
I PRESENT TO THE COURT THREE YEARS OF 911 CALLS SAYING HE'S
AN ARSONIST."
SCHOEN SEEMED AWARE THAT HE WAS GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME.
>> I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO LISTEN TO AT ONCE, A LOT OF
WORDS, BUT WORDS ARE WHAT MAKE OUR CONSTITUTION, QUITE FRANKLY.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WORDS?
YOU DID GO TO LAW SCHOOL.
( AS SCHOEN )
WORDS!
WEIRD WORDS, WHERE THE "S's" LOOK LIKE "F's", AND CAPITAL
LETTERS HAVE WEIRD FRILLS ON THE END, AND THE PAPER'S YELLOW AND
CRACKED FOR SOME REASON!
IT'S A SCARY DOCUMENT.
THERE'S A TREASURE MAP ON THE BACK.
THE DEFENSE RESTS."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT
MY GUEST IS JOHN OLIVER.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪