namaste beautiful YouTube family I bow to to the love and the life that is
absolutely in you so today I wanted to do a video that addresses what I mean
why suggest that everybody learns to hold on to themselves. I'm a life coach
who likes to put her money where her mouth is and what that means is that I
like to offer you practical solutions on how to get past your child to
programming how to get past this idea of I am not enough how to break the
patterns that are in our subconscious mind so that we can move forward and
start living a life that is worth living and start living a life that is truly
our own you know it is as you know as awesome as it is terrifying to think
that human beings are creating their reality as they go and and I think that
we get caught up in this idea that that could possibly not be true because we're
expecting like instant manifestation but what a lot of us have to understand is
that this is a time-space reality so the concept of time must be appreciated so
it takes time for a thought form which is no different than any other type of
energy form to become a thing to manifest in the real world in the
physical world first it has to be it has to be whatever we experience Meowth a
world first has to be constructed in the inner world and then in the mind and
it's really if we my mind when I realize that everything that was in my mind all
the templates that were in my mind I didn't put them there meaning that I was
a product of my environment and because of the things that I experienced in my
outer world they created the template in my mind which then became the blueprint
for my adult life and that was as wonderful news as it was really crappy
news because it meant that I was asleep it meant that I was ignorant it meant
that I was unconscious and I even though I my body was animated and I felt awake
I really wasn't I was living below the veil of consciousness as I like to say
reacting to this template which meant that I would
seemed to emotions and I was merging with my emotions and I was not I didn't
have not really have any control to detach from my thoughts I didn't
understand that I was not my thoughts and that that I is even being had the
ability to think about the way that I was thinking and so my work the 15 to 20
years of work that I that I've laid out in my coaching programs in my books in
my coaching sessions one to one and the brunches that I gave the workshops that
I gave and the group coaching classes that I get on a bridge line this is what
I'm trying to teach but to hear it is not the same thing as to apply it you
know to here it is not the same thing as to know it on a cellular level and then
be able to live it this takes practice and that's why I put out so much
information in so many different ways because I'm hoping and it's so many of
you have written me and said I've been following you for years and I'm finally
waking up or I've been I've been binging on your videos and I get it it's not me
it's my programming I'm so excited about that I might not be able to reach
everybody with that information but if I reach one person or two people or three
people whatever it's better than not reaching anybody at least it makes me
feel like I've done service on this planet while I'm here and so today I
want to talk about when I had to preface the video with that introduction to help
you understand what I mean by holding on to yourself holding on to yourself means
that you've learned how not to be codependent for your understanding that
being codependent means that I am in meshed with another human being it means
that I have an inability to hold on to my own experience in relationship to
someone else it means that and I'll lay it out for you it means that if I'm at
home and I'm washing the dishes and I'm in a really good mood and my husband
walks through the door and he's in a really ornery mood then when I ask him
hey how you doing I'm really putting my finger on his emotional pulse and I need
to figure out where he is so that I could figure out what to say and what to
do next that means that my reality is being sort
of affect is being affected by what I believe is
the reality or the image energy step point of my husband or the people that I
care about this happens with our children it happens with our bosses the
type of co-workers you name it you know we could be in a happy-go-lucky mood and
go to the grocery store and have some honoring person at the checkout counter
say something nasty and then there goes our mood so what I'm talking about if
they hold on to yourself I mean hold on to your emotional setpoint I mean hold
on to your your how you feel in that moment and stop allowing other people to
affect you and bring you down the rabbit hole which is not easy to do it's really
you can understand it cognitively you can even kind of know it
in an abstract kind of way what the hell I'm talking about when I say hold on to
yourself but it's an entirely different thing to apply it to your everyday life
and then to see what happens when you actually put this information into
practice entirely different thing Healing is a process watching one
youtube video or even 100 YouTube videos although if you did it repetitively you
know over and over and over that might help you reduce the the programs in your
mind and help you create new ones it is the application of the knowledge that is
absolutely essential taking what you learn on a youtube channel from me or
any one of the other amazing people out there that are teaching this type of
information and applying what they're asking me to do that's when you will
shift this is an action based universe we need to back up a desire with some
type of an action and that's when we create momentum right it's all about
momentum creating momentum and the problem with most people is they give up
on their dreams before they actually saw it manifest so they lose the momentum of
it so I have a couple of dreams that that I have I'm working on right now and
I won't I've held on to them one of the dreams that I had in my mind was I kept
visualizing my husband and my son walking down a pier with a couple
fishing poles in their hands and this summer we've booked a house down in the
Carolinas that has a pier so I know that this summer that manifestation in a
short amount of time I will be watching my husband
my son walking down that pier and it will be a manifestation than I've held
on to for quite a while now that I've written about in my manifestation
journal and alike so holding on you're onto yourself also applies holding onto
your dreams holding onto your reality holding on to
what you desire to create so getting back to holding onto your reality when
you're in a difficult situation with another human being I want to do -
imagine that every relationship that you have has a number so let's say you're in
a difficult situation right now with a narcissist or you're in a difficult
marriage with someone who's also codependent but has no no desire to
change or maybe you're married to someone who's passive-aggressive
sometimes and pretty okay most the time and let's just assume that the
relationship is for the most part rocky - satisfying and you want more so we're
going to assign for the sake of this video and make it simple for you guys
and me to explain it hello because it's I'm explaining an abstract idea and I'm
trying to create concrete ideas so that you can take this abstract idea and
apply it to something concrete that's when it will sink into your brain and
that's why a picture is worth a thousand words that's why the brain likes
metaphors but I digress that I questioned once so once you imagine that
your relationship with your spouse is number 10 and 10 represents something
negative it represents the highest level of frustration that you want to
experience ever in a relationship so your relationship is a 10 so we're going
to assume or we're going to for the case of this video help you understand that 5
plus 5 equals 10 so you're in this equation your spouse is in this equation
so the together you create a 10 so now what you want to do is you want to
understand that you don't want to be at a 10 but you only have let's say control
over five percent of the energy or five points of energy to this relationship
which makes up the whole of the 10 so let's say you're by yourself you're at
the kitchen saying can you wash the dishes and you're pretty good mood and
you're ornery husband Bill walks in the door and he starts complaining
the weather or he starts complaining about the traffic and he starts
complaining about the house is cold he starts complaining that his underwear
too small you shrunk them you're doing it on purpose too by the way another
tier one Oh how many of you have heard that you're
shrinking my clothes on purpose so many of you have used that example with me
over the years so let's say you ornery husband bill walks in the house and he's
complaining about this thing and that thing and this is cold and that's too
hot you know and you are learning to hold on to yourself so in that moment
you know you're going to have to do is understand that you are only responsible
for five five points in that relationship however if you add the five
points of energy that you are to his five points of energy that he is you are
both going to be locked into this equation which will equal the sum of a
10 a 10 point relationship and you don't want that you want to bring this down
you want to bring this energy of this relationship down so you know now that
five plus five equals ten so when he walks in the door you're going to have
to leave his energy here you're not going to engage with him once
you engage with him he turns around five plus five equals ten and you two are
engaged and you're you in that moment sky right or skyrocket to the level 10
which is a high level of frustration so what you want to do is hold on to your
energy this is you imagine this is you by the kitchen sink well bees out of
that oh happy happy place I'm so happy the kids are clean and homework is done
and the dinner's ready and all hat that has to happen now is
that Bill has to work the door say hello kids they visit a happy place
bill walks in the door don't engage don't engage let him go off let him talk
out loud and what you have to do is run through a couple of things in your head
number one don't engage understand that when you add to the dynamic you're
actually adding your energy to his energy and you're quantifying it and
what you're trying to do is learn how to take control over your own vibrations
and learn how to end up well basically cutting these emotional equations that
you have that are dysfunctional and pulling you down the rabbit hole and
making you feel like you're powerless so you want to understand that you want to
disengage you don't want to seek his approval you don't want to take care of
his feelings you want to stay out say to yourself I can accept where my husband
is right now he is entitled to feel ornery from his perception anyone feel
would feel wondering I accept that he feels honoring it's all about being in
your head at that kitchen sink nursing that bill is honoring turning back to
yourself save yourself in your mind hold on to yourself hold on to yourself hold
on to yourself he has the right to be ornery he has the right to be angry he
has a right to express himself the way he wants I can accept that he's upset
I can I can accept that he thinks that I shrunk his underwear on purpose I didn't
I know I didn't shrink his underwear on purpose but that's okay I can accept
that he thinks that all is well with me I am enough now when you do that you're
keeping control over your energy you're disengaging from bill now bill is used
to walking in the door as a five and engaging with you and he's used to you
engaging with him and meshing with him tool and being a ten that's his that's
what he's that's where he's comfortable and in most cases what happens is when
you're dealing with the dysfunctional dynamics when one person is is is up the
other person that that is a part of that relationship doesn't like that the other
person is up and does what they can to pull them down
so that we can have this it's equally this equal playing field which
unfortunately becomes the wherever you guys land on a consistent basis becomes
the equation for your relationship I like to say imagine that every
dissatisfying relationship that you have is a 10 so that gives you an idea of it
just makes it easier for your brain to understand ten five plus five equals ten
so let's say well what I want you to understand is that if your relationship
is when you engage with one another normally goes to attend a level of
frustration where you're both arguing nothing gets resolved nobody gets from
point A to point B then you have to understand that's your base set point
that number 10 that level of frustration is your level that's where you're
comfortable unfortunately and so No and it's a pattern it's been a theme
in your life so because you're the smart one watching this video and you're on
YouTube and you're wherever else probably reading about relationship
dynamics you now have insight that your partner might not have but you have to
understand you're only part you're only 50% of this relationship but if you can
control 50% of the relationship there's no way that you can continually become a
10 anymore so if you hold on to your energy you withdraw you just hold on to
it and you don't add it to build energy then that emotional setpoint has to
change it can no longer be a 10 so the couple of things that can happen
in most cases bill is going to sense this lack of energy because he's used to
being a 10 right and all of a sudden his wife is engaging or his partner isn't
engaging and he can't get to that level 10 that makes him comfortable he knows
what to do when he's in level 10 mode he doesn't know what to do when he's in
level 5 mode and his partner isn't engaging he doesn't know what to do so
bill is going to freak out for a while so expect him to try to engage you more
expect insults temper tantrums expect him to play the victim some of our
partners will claim that they're going to hurt themselves if we don't take care
of their feelings so there's going to be a Rakhi vote for a while but I promise
you dear ones if you consistently hold on to yourself and you stop engaging in
dysfunctional dynamics this relationship will have to shift now
I'm not a mind-reader I just know based on my experience both personally and
professionally the chances are that a few things will happen the relationship
either have to come to a new set point and it'll be more satisfying and you can
actually open up dialogue with your partner and neck your partner will
eventually be comfortable with the level 5 relationship 3 plus 2 let's say or 2
plus 2 equals 4 and if you want to continue to grow and as you continue to
grow as a couple as things pop up if there's something that you need to pull
your energy from so let's say you're at a 4 so 2 plus 2 equals 4 let's say so
now you want to shift something in your relationship you know okay I'm just
going to pull my energy from that and not engage with that whether it's
checking his emails whether it you know having that tolerating him
having saying nasty things to you you just pull your energy from it do not
engage do not engage that will have to shift so that that's what happens that's
something often that could happen but there's always a chance that when you
start to really change the dynamics in your relationship that your partner is
very resistant if someone is very high anxiety they're used to anxiety and so
as you begin to come that's going to make them uncomfortable and they might
act out and in that case we really don't know where the relationships going to go
but I do suggest that everyone be open go moment to moment you know the whole
premise of my coaching and what I wish to teach people both my coaching
programs and individually and in my book is that ultimately what's happened to us
is that we have not been allowed to honor our experiences and honor our
feelings because no one validated our experiences when we were children and
without that consistent validation and that healthy mirroring we don't trust
ourselves we have tremendous self-doubt so we might have a feeling like we
should end this relationship but we won't trust it we will actually make our
partners responsible for ending the relationship
we'll wait for our partners to screw up and then we'll feel like okay great now
I can relieve leave the relationship but when we do that we're escaping
responsibility for how we feel and we're never really learning how to navigate
our lives with the true compass and the only compass we need which is our heart
space your heart is a lot smarter than you think it is it's a lot smarter than
your brain is and your heart actually gives up gives out more energy than even
your brain does which is pretty amazing so the whole goal is to learn how to
honor how we feel on a heart level on an authentic level learning to trust that
guidance and that wisdom and learning to do what we can to set boundaries for
ourselves and others so that we can break these dysfunctional patterns and
eventually have an amazing life that is being navigated by our own personal
compass without needing to be validated by other people without needing to ask
for permission to do what we feel like we need to do or for permission to feel
what we feel severe ones I hope this has made some
sense to you it might add remember confusing about the equations but if you
watch this video once or twice or three times I think it will be a lot easier
for you to understand where I'm coming from if you have any questions leave
them below my coaching program is full in full swing the next class opens up to
June 1st in 2017 if you'd like more information go to WWE Romano comm and
join my newsletter dear ones I doubt oh and also I'm going to be in Long Island
February 25th for a live brunch and workshop but that is when anyone's
interested again you can find out more on my web site is definitely a WWE ring
on comm I'm glad to answer questions now I'm going to everybody bye
you