Okay.
This is a topic that comes up often.
-Unfortunately.
-Yeah.
-What to do when your child hits you?
This particular topic is we're going to just assume we're talking about younger children
for this.
If there is an issue going on with an older child hitting you or a teenager, we need to
take a whole different approach and your safety is at most important.
But if we got children, sometimes physical aggression is just kind of part of the developmental
growth of this child.
-I think that's important to acknowledge because expecting kids to behave like an adult is
unrealistic expectation.
So that's something you can adjust.
-Now, just because it's part of their typical development, it doesn't mean that it's okay
and we're just going to ignore it.
-Let's talk about...
-We got to do something it.
-What are we going to do about it?
-Because it's not good for your child to be hitting you or anyone else for that matter.
In fact, we've got 3 rules that we use in our family and that we use in our coaching
groups with positive parents.
And that is to respect yourself and others.
That's rule number 1.
Don't have to go to the other 2 rules for this particular topic because that's the rule
we're talking about.
But there's also respect property and to respect authority.
-Right.
-So, let's go to the respect rule for a minute.
How are they going to learn that and unless you teach it to them?
-Right.
-Obviously, you're example is probably the most powerful teacher or teaching tool that
you have.
So, let's start with the basic principle that you get to stay in control of your emotions.
-It's tricky to stay calm.
But you really need to stay calm even in the moment of slap or whatever.
-It's hard because in the moment, you're going to feel an impulse to react.
Maybe in the same way that you're child just treated you.
You want to them back.
Please don't do this.
Not only is it against the law in most countries.
This is something that will teach your child the wrong responses.
And so, remaining emotionally calm is important.
And even if they're hitting you.
This is easier with little kids, obviously.
Can I just jump in because we acknowledge at the beginning that we're going to talk
mostly about little kids.
When older, bigger kids or teenagers are doing this, it's important to focus on what you
control.
Now, this is important for the little kids, too.
Focus on what you control.
Sometimes the only thing that you really control is your own reaction to this thing.
Especially if you can't stop them from hitting you in the first place and they actually connect.
Then you've got a moment of time where you get to choose your reaction to that.
So, we're encouraging you to stay calm in that moment.
And we'll give you some tools to follow up on that.
But that's an important starting place.
-When we're working with a young child, one of the most important thing for you to do
is the proximity.
Obviously, if they hit you, they're close.
Sometimes, you just have to physically stop the behavior.
-Wait, it's okay to restrain a child?
-Yeah.
For these young kids on level 1, go ahead and restrain them.
The consequence can sometimes wait for a minute.
You've got to get the behavior and control right away.
And that's true if they're hurting another child.
-This becomes part of the consequence.
But you're making important part here Vicki.
Some consequences can wait.
And it's more important to do what's right than to do what you feel impelled to do.
You don't want to follow your impulses here.
You want to follow your good judgement as a parent.
So the restraining needs to done in a way that keeps the child safe, obviously.
But physically stops them from hitting.
And then you can implement other consequences later on based on their stage of moral development.
So that they learn the cause of that behavior.
As we're dealing with this particular behavior, I think it's important, Vicki that we acknowledge
here.
-Right.
-This is the kind of thing that you have to intervene and you have to do it in a timely
wait.
And it's okay for you as a parent to be stern.
And I'll tell you what that means in just a minute.
To be assertive, okay?
I'm not advocating for you to be mean or to yell.
-No.
-But you'll change your voice in a way that gets the attention of your child.
And it can be very stern and assertive.
Example: We've got a little labradoodle that we're training.
And this little puppy doesn't know what's right or wrong.
She's just having fun, right?
And sometimes she'll just do something that's destructive.
She'll chew on the furniture or she'll do something that's inappropriate.
And so, our trainer told us to approach her by saying "Uh-uh!"
-And it just gets her attention right away.
-It startled me at the first time I..
It was "Uh-uh!"
And she says that instead of NO because it's easier for her voice to say.
-Right.
-But it could be a sharp "No", okay?
And you get a very serious stern look on your face.
Your kids might accuse you of yelling because your voice just changed.
But this is under control.
It's stern, it's assertive and it's clear.
"Uh-uh, no."
-And then you're going to label the behavior.
Not the child, the behavior that was out of compliance that was not acceptable.
-Right.
-"Uh-uh, that is not okay.
That hitting is not okay."
-Hitting, that behavior.
You're not calling the child, "You're bad, you're wrong."
No.
Don't personalize this.
Label the behavior, not the child.
And be stern and be clear.
-One of the things I love about labeling this behavior and then saying "That is not allowed."
I think it's important to help them see that hurting you, me the person is not allowed.
Nor is hurting themselves.
I had a little girl who was involved with self-harm.
And so, every time she did that was, "No.
Nobody is allowed to hurt."
And we said her little name.
So, we let them know that THAT behavior is what we're curbing.
It had no judgement about her.
It's that behavior is not allowed.
-And you had another important point.
"I won't let you hurt me or your brother."
-"Or yourself" -You intervening as a parent.
"That's not appropriate.
I won't let you hit me.
I won't let you hurt your sister."
And that clear communication is going to help with the discipline.
Now, we're going to tie it to some appropriate consequence.
-Let's take those on.
-And appropriate consequence typically for young children have to do with isolation.
Typically in a time-out setting.
You have to be able to enforce that.
Time out is probably the best default consequence you can give to a child.
But let's say that your child is getting a little older and still haven't curbed the
problem yet.
I remember I was working with a 10-year old, okay?
Now, by 10, the should be mastering the ability to keep those 3 rules.
Respect your self and others.
Respect property, cooperate and obey.
He was still really struggling with it.
And he was hurting his mom and his sister by hitting them.
And so, we imposed a fine.
And it was a heavy fine.
We charged him 50 US dollars for hitting his sister.
-Wow.
-Okay, now did that seem like a lot?
-Yes.
It's big.
-For a 10-year old, that's how a fortune.
But we wanted to send a very clear message.
And he got to work that off over the next week or so.
It has to carry enough weight that they're going to feel it.
Now, I'm not suggesting that you should charge them 50 bucks.
What I am saying is let's open up our thinking a little bit and be creative and consult with
your coach or with other parents.
Let's come up with some ideas of things that we're really send a clear message.
And $50 is not that much when you consider that he could within the next few years be
sent to juvenile detention facility.
-For physically assaulting.
-Okay.
What would I rather do?
-Enforce a 50-dollar fine right now with my child or wait and let the state do that in
a couple of years?
You them to learn it now.
It's cheaper now.
-One of the principles you're also...
You have the opportunity to introduce this empathy.
When a child does hit you, we can kind of help them seize, start to understand how it
makes somebody else feels.
I think one of the things that's new for the kids to learn is how do my actions affect
somebody else.
-Right.
-And so, you have the opportunity to at least introduce that here.
I like the idea of helping kids see how somebody else feels and what might have happen to help
them feel better rather than saying "Go apologize" sometimes help them see, "Hmm, what's the
next thing that we could do to help them feel better or to fix this?"
-And the apology often, if you demand an apology, it's usually not very sincere.
-Every parents have that.
So, helping them gain some empathy for the other person in the interaction is one way
to help them get to the point where they're ready for an apology of their own volition.
-Right.
And this also moves them along in their moral development because empathy is part of the
stage 3 level of development.
And so, we're inviting them to come up from that lower stage where they were hitting.
Obviously, there's lots of track as parents.
And that's why we're creating all all of these resources for you here on the channel.
And also in our coaching groups and the programs that we're offering.
If you want to learn more about that, would you please take a moment.
Go to drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
And that will get you in one of our certified coaches.
They can tell you all about the resources that are available to you.