- I live this fuckin' isolated life, man.
I go on the road, I'm in green rooms,
and I just fuckin', you know,
I'm just by myself all the time.
You slowly go fuckin' crazy.
I did a gig recently.
I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself
and I went to turn on the light.
It was one of those pulse switches
and it wound up around itself, looked like a little noose.
And I immediately just thought,
what if I just stuck my head in there and just?
(crowd laughs)
And just turned the lights out literally and figuratively?
Was not thinking about killing myself at all.
The second I thought, oh, what if I just fuckin' did that?
And then I looked in the mirror,
I caught my eye, and we both laughed.
(crowd laughs)
(upbeat music)
But, you know, one of the big things
that really made me feel old was when McDonald's
started making salads.
That literally ripped my heart out.
I'm like, they're doing what?
What?
Now they have wraps and they're doing all of this shit.
You know what it was?
Was outta shape people complain to 'em.
They're like, oh, you don't have any healthy options.
It's like, dude, this is McDonald's.
This shit is poison.
Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?
(crowd laughs)
Whenever I get McDonald's, I have a whole plan.
At my age, I'm 48 years old.
I know what I'm gonna order.
I'm gonna go in there, it's gonna taste great.
20 minutes later, I'm gonna wanna kill myself.
And then I'm gonna go, I'm going to the gym tomorrow.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow.
And no matter how much I say that,
I woke up the demon in me.
I woke up the demon and all that grease
is just coursing through my veins.
And no matter how much I wanna go to the gym,
there's gonna be this other voice going,
dude, get an egg McMuffin.
Go down there and get an egg McMuffin.
And I'm gonna sit up like the Manchurian candidate.
Okay, we're going to McDonald's.
As my in shape voice is in the back going,
"No, what are we doing?
Go to the gym!"
I'm just. (crowd laughs)
Gonna drive right down, right?
I know what it is.
But somehow outta shape people
somehow got, made them that they're to fuckin' blame.
They had to have more healthy shit
'cause they're the reason why everybody's fat.
How come they have to do it?
What about Ben and Jerry's?
How come they don't have to put a little kale
in their ice cream?
Why's that?
Yeah, I grew up in a very, like, angry time.
You know, like you were afraid of your dad,
your dad's dad.
I talked about this shit before
but I'm still working through it, so just bear with me.
You just were fuckin', yeah.
Like, I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad.
Like, dad, let's play.
Wanna go play, dad?
Let's go ride bikes.
Dad, Dad.
Yeah, when I was a kid,
I was like, dad, dad, fuck, dad!
Fuck!
Run!
Open a window!
Mom, what did you see in that?
Fucking lunatic, right?
- [Crowd Member] Yeah.
- It was absolute fuckin' lunacy.
And not just my house.
I love my parents, but it was just the time.
Like everybody was fuckin' crazy.
You were afraid and people could put their hands on you
and other people's dads could hit you.
And then you come home.
What the fuck did you do?
I'll fuckin' hit you first.
It just was nuts.
Teachers would grab you,
dig their nails into your fuckin 'neck.
She'd come home, well, she wouldn't have done that
unless something fuckin' happened, right?
It was all of that shit.
Yeah, me and my siblings,
we all beat the shit out of each other, you know?
And then we all teased the dog and the dog bit all of us.
And we never got rid of the dog.
One time the dog bit me in the face.
I was fuckin' with it.
It was eating and I was like ahh, ahh.
And it just latched onto my face.
It was like (Bill growls).
My dad had to stitch me up and everything.
We still didn't get rid of the dog, you know?
Oh, he's a good dog.
He had a moment.
Jesus, well, Jesus Christ, you should've have put
your goddamn face down there
near the fuckin' dog's face, right?
Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.
But other than that, yeah.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah. (crowd laughs)
Everybody getting in trouble like a bunch of children.
I was doing a gig in Dallas
and some waitress wrote on like a piece of chalkboard.
She goes, we like our beer the way we like our violence.
Domestic.
Right?
Yeah, I gotta tell you something.
That's a great fuckin' joke.
There is zero fat on that.
You need every word of that joke.
You take one word out, it doesn't work.
It's a perfect joke.
(crowd laughs)
So whatever, nobody gives a shit.
One person comes in, they don't like it,
they ask the manager to take it down.
He's just like, eh, you know,
that's our sense of humor here.
You know, have a beer.
Go fuck yourself.
That's what we're doing.
So she takes a picture of it, she puts it up on Facebook,
and all of a sudden people start complaining,
and they fired the manager and the waitress 'cause of that.
Yeah, unreal, like I don't understand
like, what do they think's gonna happen
if somebody reads that joke?
Like, you're some guy who would never hit a woman, you know?
Would never hit a woman.
You can't hit women.
You can't.
You honestly cannot.
You ever see how they fall?
They fall like toddlers.
You know? (crowd laughs)
It's like they never fell in their life.
They never put their hands out.
It's just, it's horrific to watch.
You can't hit 'em, right?
(crowd laughs)
So what are you telling me?
Somebody, you're telling me someone
who never hit a woman
is gonna come walking in, read that joke.
You know, just be like, wait a minute.
(Bill screams and grunts)
All those feminists are full of shit.
'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now,
someday, someday there's gonna be,
there's gonna be the first woman president.
All right?
Which means, which means you don't even know
you don't even know what her fuckin' platform is
and you automatically cheer.
(crowd laughs)
Ahh, ahh, its got the same genitalia.
Ah.
Fuckin', I'm telling you, they're not smart people.
Feminists, they're not as smart as they're coming off.
I'm telling you.
Someday there's gonna be.
By the way, this is gonna be my last show ever.
By the time this fuckin' thing comes out.
Someday there's gonna be the first female president,
which means there's gonna be
the first male, first lady right?
And you wait, you fuckin' wait.
The first time that dude opens his mouth
about some political shit.
You watch all these feminists,
they're all gonna be, you shut the fuck up!
You shut the fuck up!
It's her time now.
It is her time.
She was elected.
Not you.
Go pick out some plates, bitch.
You are the first lady.
(crowd laughs)
He's gonna get treated
like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne.
(crowd laughs)
Secret Service name will be like "Appendix"
or "Doesn't Matter."
"Not Worthy of Protecting"
just entered the Oval Office, "Not Worthy of Protecting."
I saw a woman a couple months back,
professional soccer player, right?
She goes on to ESPN on one of these sports channels
and she starts bitchin'.
Going like, I don't understand.
How come female athletes don't make
as much as male professional athletes?
Right?
And all of these men had to sit there
and act like they didn't know what the answer was.
(crowd laughs)
They had to sit there like dumbfounded.
Like, oh, I don't know.
Why is that?
(crowd laughs)
That is a conundrum.
I have, I have no idea.
Literally, I'm sitting at home screaming at the TV.
'Cause you don't sell any fuckin' tickets!
(crowd laughs)
Nobody is going to women's soccer games.
You're playing in a 20,000 seat arena.
1,500 people show up.
That's not a good night.
The promoter lost his fuckin' ass on that gig.
I'm not saying no professional female athletes.
Serena Williams, the women in the UFC, you know,
but nobody's watching your fuckin' sport.
And then you're gonna come
and you're gonna get mad at fuckin' men.
They keep doing that shit.
Why are you yelling at us?
It's not our fuckin' job.
It's not my fuckin' job to give a fuck about women's soccer.
Okay?
I have men's sport to pay attention to.
This is, it's your bullshit, right?
Dude, look at the WNBA.
Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID.
(crowd laughs)
Nobody.
They have been playing in front of three to 400 people
a night for a quarter of a century.
(crowd laughs)
Not to mention, it's a male subsidized league.
We gave you a fuckin' league.
None of you showed up.
Where are all the feminists?
That place should be packed with feminists,
faces painted, wearing jerseys,
flashing their titties, going fuckin' nuts
like the guys do in the upper deck
with their big beer titties.
Ah!
Am I on the Jumbotron?
Am I doing it?
Life can pass you by.
It happens, you know?
You just keep living and living and living.
You know what it is?
You basically, you got I think you got like 25, 30 years
to absorb as much as you can.
And then that's it.
That's all you know.
'Cause right around then, you get married and it's over.
Right?
You have a couple of kids.
You're sucked in the bubble.
You don't have time to pay attention
to what's going on out in the world.
You're just stuck with these kids.
Eh, it's shittin' all over the place.
Don't be a serial killer.
Don't touch that.
You're just stuck in that.
You have three, four kids.
That is a 25 year sentence
(crowd laughs)
trying to get them all through college.
Society just keeps fuckin' going.
You get the last one through college,
you step back outta the bubble.
Just.
(crowd laughs)
You don't know what happened.
You're not even paying attention.
You go back to your old record collection.
♪ Ba ba ba ba ba bo be ba da bo bo ♪
Right?
Someone sticks some mic in your face,
you're gonna get in trouble.
(crowd laughs)
Yeah.
It's one of the sad things about life.
You get old and it passes you by.
I feel it passing me by.
I'm 46 years old.
I don't even have kids, but I can't keep up anymore.
Like, I had a college gig coming up
and I was like, man, I gotta figure out
what these kids are into, man.
I was 24 when a senior was born.
I gotta figure out what these dudes are into.
So I guess they were into like
just like DJ music or some shit.
So I'm like, all right, I'll watch some of this.
You know?
So I have like a reference or two.
I don't wanna be that old comic
coming to the gig being like,
what's up with this Monica Lewinsky?
Is this crazy?
I mean, this Y2K, I mean.
Is my stylus gonna work?
I don't know.
(crowd laughs)
So I put this shit on.
Dude, I lasted 90 seconds.
90 seconds.
I was open-minded.
All right, put it on.
90 seconds later, I'm like this old man.
Ah, this isn't music!
(crowd laughs)
Now, when I was a kid,
you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil.
Now, that was music.
(crowd laughs)
Think about the kinds of people that take a cruise.
These aren't forward thinkers.
These aren't seekers.
They're not pivotal to our survival.
(crowd laughs)
You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise?
It's one of the worst stories you're ever gonna hear.
Because they don't do shit.
They don't wanna travel to another country,
interact with the new culture,
try to figure out the train system or the money.
All they wanna do is just
sit on a fuckin' boat, just drinking.
That's all they wanna do, right?
Worst story you'll ever hear.
Hey, how was your cruise?
Oh, it was great.
I was fuckin' laying there.
There was a DJ over here
on the one and the two wooka wooka thing, right?
And then they had this chocolate fountain.
It was like a fountain, but it was chocolate.
And you stuck the toothpick in the food
and you stuck it in the chocolate, stuck it in your mouth.
And then you'd be like, I want another drink.
And they'd bring it.
Oh, you're drinking.
It dribbled down and it gathers in your navel.
You punch yourself.
You get it in your mouth.
(crowd laughs)
Then every day around noon, we'd line up for lunch.
What's for lunch?
We don't know.
We don't make decisions.
Whatever they give us.
(crowd laughs)
No, I took mushrooms back
in February for the first time ever.
(crowd laughs and cheers)
This is the perfect state to tell this story.
You guys should literally have
you should have mushrooms on your fuckin' license plate.
(crowd cheers)
All right, so here's the deal.
I've never fucked with anything like that.
I was always a booze guy.
I was a booze guy, you know?
(crowd cheers)
Yeah, you know?
I like, all right, relax everybody.
I always get, like.
I always get nervous when I get white guys
going like, ah, all right, woo!
Ah, build the wall!
(Bill grunts)
I'm just, I'm fuckin' around.
Relax.
(crowd laughs)
It's frightening to listen to,
but that's what being a guy is.
You're not allowed to have emotions.
So that's, all of that shit comes out when you drink.
(Bill grunts)
Do something dumb so I don't feel stupid.
(Bill grunts)
So yeah, I was always like a booze guy.
So like, I never fucked with like psychedelics or whatever.
So I figured, you know, it was just one of those deals.
I was out in the desert, man,
and I was like, all right,
I got somebody watching my kids.
Everything's fine.
I'm in my fifties.
I gotta do it now, or I'm never gonna do it, right?
So this person who may or may not
have been my opening act tonight goes, all right, man.
(crowd laughs and cheers)
He's a good man.
He says to me, he goes, all right.
He goes, okay, just, you know,
just take like, you know, they always,
it's always just like, all right,
so like how fucked up do you want to get, all right?
And there's always like a square.
And it's like, okay, don't eat the whole square.
Just like bite one corner, lick the other one,
and then rub the other one,
and let it absorb in your face or whatever.
(crowd laughs)
So I'm like, all right.
He goes, how far into it do you want to go?
I go, I just wanna trip a little bit.
Nothing fuckin' crazy.
So he goes, fine.
So I ate just a little bit
so I get a little nauseous or whatever.
At first it feels like I ate some weed,
but then all of a sudden,
like, I notice shit that's not alive
looks like its breathing, right?
Like the refrigerator looked
like it just did a lap around the house.
It's kind of.
(Bill exhales)
Nothing threatening, you know?
It's just like, you know, it needed it, you know?
TV started getting bigger.
It's looking like it's gonna fall on me, all right?
And I was doing fine.
I was fine.
I was like, I know that TV's not getting bigger.
And if it is, I don't give a shit.
Go ahead, spill that pixelation all over me.
I don't give a fuck.
I know I'm tripping.
I'm having fun.
I'm giggling, I'm laughing at shit.
I'm putting things together right?
And everything is fuckin' great.
And all of a sudden, about an hour in,
all of a sudden, this profound sense of loneliness
and not feeling loved just washed over me.
(crowd laughs)
Yeah, and I was just like, I fuckin' knew it.
(crowd laughs)
(upbeat music)