What's this?
It's the script for tonight's episode.
It also includes a few choice paragraphs about our movie, which I insist you keep secret.
I'd never talk to anyone about us anyway.
Are you gonna make love to me now?
Two things: first, I don't make love.
I review... hard.
And the second thing?
This is Movie Night.
Hello and welcome to Movie Night, in-depth reviews of this month's worst home media releases.
I'm your host, Jonathan Paula.
Tonight, for the third and final time on the show, I'll take a look at some higher-profile
releases from Winter 2015, specifically, five of that season's worst.
I avoided them in theaters, but now that they're available on BluRay and On-Demand, I guess
it's time to suffer through the first of the bunch, "The Wedding Ringer".
This so-called "comedy" film was released on January 16, 2015 - where it depressingly
tripled its $23-million dollar budget under Jeremy Garelick's direction.
The extremely busy Kevin Hart stars in the title role as a "best man" for hire, who becomes
emotionally involved with his latest client Josh Gad - an awkward and friendless millionaire
looking for something more.
Explaining his reasoning for dropping a middle-classer's yearly salary on an underhanded prank, Gad
proclaims, "I want my real life to be as fun as the one I made up!".
Honestly, it plays out like a very typical rom-com narrative, except it's about a couple
of mismatched dudes.
Hart and Gad are both veterans at this type of low-bro work by now, and while they're
passably enjoyable characters - it's the premise itself which is so grating
and annoying.
A certain amount of disbelief is understandable, but the "let's use $50,000 to trick the woman
I'm about to marry into thinking I have a gaggle of dysfunctional friends" is downright
insulting and ridiculous.
It doesn't help either that the one "victim" on the other side of this equation, the cute
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting is irredeemable herself.
And while "The Hangover" proved it is possible to have a successful comedy despite being
filled with unlikable and conspiring characters, this R-rated farce has no such luck.
The 101-minute story has, at best, three jokes that actually work, thanks entirely to Hart's
quick and witty delivery, and never the unbelievable script itself.
A quick reference to "Lost" from Jorge Garcia that caps-off the picture was also pretty
funny.
An extended mud-covered game of football with a group of old-timers, including an inspired
appearance by Joe 'Broadway' Namath is a decently fun sequence, but it has zero relevancy to
the rest of the story, and seems to exist only because Garelick wanted some physical
comedy in his picture.
The only dynamic that isn't painful to watch is a under-developed romantic sub-plot between
Hart and one of the bridesmaids, played by the curious Olivia Thirlby who quickly begins
to suspect this new gentleman in her future brother-in-law's wife isn't who he seems.
The summation of their trickier and deception is a PowerPoint slideshow during the rehearsal
dinner (is such a presentation even a thing?), where Hart and his employees showcase a string
of poorly Photoshopped images that make Gad's pitiful life seem more exciting.
Not only would this charade fool no one... what's the end game here?
Going through life that wasn't built on a single lie, but an entire nest of preposterous
bullshit?
The drawn-out conclusion, that sees all of these lies clumsily being revealed is handled
well enough, but by then any interest I had in seeing these characters be nice to each
other was gone.
With nothing impressive about the technical or visual aspects of this movie, the only
folks who might get something out of it are staunch fans of Hart - but let's be honest,
he's in like seven movies a year now, so you're probably better off watching anything else.
"The Wedding Ringer" is a mean-spirited chore with unpleasant characters - I thought it
was a BAD film.
For tonight's poll question: what's your favorite movie of 2015 so far?
Leave your response as a comment below.
Next up, "The Boy Next Door".
Rob Cohen directs this erotic thriller which grossed an impressive twelve-times its $4-million
dollar budget after its January 2015 release.
The 91-minute story focuses on the torrid affair between unhappy wife Jennifer Lopez
and her young hunky new neighbor, Ryan Guzman.
Things take a dangerous turn when he refuses to let go of their steamy relationship, and
continues to stalk her.
Despite playing a character nearly ten years his junior, the handsome Guzman is both charming
and duplicitous, showing off his rugged biceps and six-pack abs at every opportunity.
Opposite him is perhaps the best-looking 45-year-old on the planet...
I mean seriously, Jennifer Lopez is a god damn smoke show.
The sultry romance between them is undeniably hot, especially when J-Lo finally succumbs
to her basic instincts and sleeps with the aggressive teen, in a tastefully done scene
that shows off plenty of skin.
The reluctance and fear from Lopez elevates the dramatic portions of the film in a necessary
way.
Her talent and beauty saves the otherwise familiar and somewhat unbelievable story.
When Jen sternly warns her new boy-toy to, "Stop following me.", he coyly responds, "I'm
not following you...
I live next door."
- it's a chilling reminder of how inescapable this potential threat is for her.
Later, in an effort to expose her naughty-fling to her co-workers, Guzman fills an entire
classroom of explicit photographs of their time together: which forces Lopez to frantically
remove all of this evidence in a decently exiting scene.
But a faux-action scene where two ancillary characters try to safely drive an out-of-control
car is poorly executed, and feels out of place in the otherwise more subtle narrative.
Despite its short filming schedule of only 23-days, Cohen makes the best use of the suburban
sets, utilizing harsh lighting and shadows to really build tension during the more intense
scenes.
This generic "Lifetime"-esque domestic thriller doesn't do anything new or original, but it's
skillfully shot, and has above-average performances.
When compared to its tamer cable-TV counterparts, the decidedly R-rated and graphic treatment
is a welcome addition too.
While I wouldn't outright recommend this picture, it can still be a enjoyable diversion if you
lower your expectations.
"The Boy Next Door" has sexy thrills, despite being predictable to a fault.
I thought it was MEH... now, my thoughts on "Jupiter Ascending".
Written, produced, and directed by Lana and Andy Wachowski - this lumbering space opera
just barely broke even when it was released in early February of 2015.
The ambitious $176 million dollar production centers around Mila Kunis, a lowly human who
discovers she is the reincarnated heiress of intergalactic nobility, and must fight
to protect Earth from her newly adopted royal family's planetary conquest intentions.
As a short synopsis, that's confusing enough, but when the original 600-page script is cut
down to a hurried 127-minute narrative, the result is so much worse.
Sporting an ugly blonde goatee, the muscular Channing Tatum is featured as a genetically
engineered space marine who swoops in to save our heroine in practically every scene.
When he engages bad guys in an early shoot-out, it's impossible to feel any tension as we're
given zero information about their weapons, physilogy, or ethical code.
Can these creatures die?
Do they even feel pain?
Why are they shooting at each other in the first place?
Even when some fifty-percent of the dialogue is people explaining things to Mila, I still
found myself asking questions like this throughout the film, that sadly, were never answered.
When one character promises that they're "not the enemy" it fails to carry any impact as
we honestly don't know if it's the truth or not.
Kunis's charm and enthusiasm to help save some of the most ridiculous scenes however.
But she remains unbelievably unphazed by even the most insane stunts and events that unfold
right around here.
When the only normal character in a topsy-turvy universe that's littered with
nonsensical proper nouns like "Aeigs", "Skyjackers", and "Lycantants" is hard to connect with,
the entire premise falters.
The lack of any real emotional depth or strong characters doesn't help either.
Speaking of which, the stoic Sean Bean is wasted in a mentor-like role, where he's regulated
to spouting wordy exposition about the magical properties of bumble bees.
Following his 'Best Actor' win in "The Theory Of Everything", Eddie Redmayne turns in a
truly bizarre performance as this PG-13 rated movie's villain: an uncompromising warlord
emperor who speaks all of his lines with an anguished whisper.
It's an annoying and pointless character trait that ruins an otherwise decent performance,
like when he explains his nefarious plans by saying, "Some lives will always matter
more than others."
The Wachowski's were once the talented siblings that brought us "The Matrix" trilogy, "Speed
Racer", and "Cloud Atlas" - all thought-provoking, and visually interesting movies.
In the years since however they've unfortunately lost their way.
With their latest misguided effort, they just decided they could, and never stopped to think
if they should.
Sure, there are glimpses of really incredibly concepts in this picture; watching Magic Mike
slide around Naboo on his moon-boots looks super cool, but when everything is such a
hodgepodge of half-baked thoughts, it's impossible to be invested in any of it.
Indeed, the movie is even difficult to follow from a visual standpoint; far too many frames
are full of explosions, ships, lasers, and whatever else the folks at Framestore crammed
in there.
The alien worlds are colorful and vibrant, but never adequetly explored, feeling more
like a generic chroma-key backdrop than a true physical environment.
Carefully layered beneath the multitude of cool sound effects is a great score from Michael
Giacchino might be the best thing going for this movie.
Mixing rhythmic drums and a chanting choir, it almost comes close to the scope of his
fantastic work on "Star Trek".
Fans of futuristic sci-fi or big-budget train wrecks might find redeeming qualities here,
but everyone else should stay away.
An unfortunate disappointment, "Jupiter Ascending" has fun action and ideas buried in an incomprehensible
mess.
I thought it was a LAME movie.
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Back to the reviews, let's discuss "Fifty Shades Of Grey".
Based on the hugely popular novel of the same name by E.L.
James, this $40 million dollar erotic romance film was an international hit, grossing over
half a billion in profit after its Valentine's Day weekend release.
The best selling source material was originally developed as "Twilight" fan fiction, which
makes this first time author's success so much more surprising, and perhaps even perplexing.
The writing is predestination, the characters tired stereotypes, and the narrative slow
and pointless.
Saying director Sam Taylor-Johnson had his work cut out for him adapting to this the
big screen would be an understatement.
Relative unknown Dakota Johnson stars as a timid college student who gets involved with
an aggressive, yet tormented billionaire played by the tall dark and handsome Jamie Dornan.
When the playboy cautious invites her to engage in rough sexual activities, the hesitant virgin
quietly asks, "What would I get out of this?".
Dornan confidentially responds, "Me."
This is their movie, for better or worse - as the small supporting cast is of little importance.
Given the stilted and poorly-conceived dialogue, their performances are honestly commendable...
but it still doesn't make them very convincing.
A scene where they quickly banter over sex-contract negotiations is decently amusing though.
It what was clearly a financial decision, rather than a creative one, the picture's
watered-down R-rating is its death knell, as a more liberating NC-17 cut would have
actually given the film some much needed excitement.
The most annoying aspect of this erotic drama is how unremarkable everything is; the mature
themes are poorly explored, and the kinkiest bedroom antics are tamer than stuff you'd
see on network television.
After its much hyped reputation, "Fifty Shades Of Grey" disappoints with nothing but a few
ass-taps and bound wrists.
Sure, the titular character has an entire room filled with weird and provocative sex
toys - but Johnson literally vetos 95% of them from the outset.
Now, don't get me wrong, watching the beautiful and handsome newcomers disrobe was sufficiently
hot...
but once they get to the bedroom, the movie went flaccid.
Which is particularly detrimental as the sex scenes constitute nearly a full fourteen minutes
of the two hour run time.
From a production standpoint, at least Taylor-Johnson utilized remotely controlled cameras during
these more intimate moments, allowing our naked protagonists a bit more privacy on set.
It's just unfortunate such allowances didn't contribute to their lackluster chemistry any.
Even though there's a few unnecessary and extraneous scenes involving aerial adventures,
the cinematography from Seamus McGarvey is surprisingly competent; framing the highly
contrasted environments in slow moving close-ups.
Meanwhile, an effective blend of popular music from Skylar Grey to Beyoncé is incorporated
rather well alongside Danny Elfman's original score.
The sexually restrained and naturally curious might be able to take something away from
this film, but its insulting treatment of BDSM culture is a pathetic waste of time.
"Fifty Shades Of Grey" remains unbelievable and uninteresting despite its ample nudity,
and here's some of your YouTube reviews.
Calling it punishment and a turd sandwich, you rated it GARBAGE.
I'll be slightly more lenient, but I still thought it was pretty BAD.
Lastly tonight, "Hot Tub Time Machine 2"
Released on February 20, 2015 - this $14 million dollar follow-up from returning director Steve
Pink was thankfully, a commercially disappointment - earning only $13 million at the box office.
While the original was a decently diverting comedy, this 93-minute experience is the sequel
no one asked for.
The entire plot is just a lame extension of the first film's coda - which existed as a
throwaway joke, rather than a setup to some half-baked sequel.
To be fair though, "Back To The Future 2" was born out of the same joke retconning,
and that film definitely didn't suck.
The pointlessly convoluted plot sees Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, and Clark Duke reprising their
roles as time traveling idiots who inadvertently travel to the year 2025 where they have to
prevent a murder from happening in the past.
This trio play off each other extremely well, but they're just not worth rooting for: as
they're all vile, vindictive assholes.
Insulting Corddry and Robison because they exclaim "high five" instead of actually high-fiving,
Duke remarks; "That's the laziest thing I've ever heard."
This obvious observation of their unambitious behavior is emblematic if the film's failed
sense of humor.
Save for a brief cameo in the unrrated version, John Cusack - who played the necessary straight-man
role in the first film - smartly sat this picture out.
Replacing his spot on the roster is Adam Scott, who is far too peppy and annoying to really
be funny.
Joining his fellow "Daily Show" alum is Jason Jones in a wonderful supporting role, but
it's Christian Slater as a manic game show host who particularly great.
While the first installment had clever jokes, fun references, and amusing situations - this
R-rated mess is nothing but a string of sophomoric hi-jinks and stupid gross-out gags.
There's seriously ten full minutes devoted to a gay-rape scene.
But don't worry, in the future this forced homophobic intercourse is virtual!
Accomplished with convincing visual effects work, some futuristic sight-gags can be amusing,
but a recurring joke involving a vengeful self-driving Smart Car was just stupid.
There's neat concepts here, and it's somewhat interesting to see these characters again;
but "Hot Tub Time Machine 2" is far too mean-spirited and unfunny to really entertaining.
I thought it was BAD.
Finally tonight, a look at what you're saying about movies currently playing in theaters.
If you see a new movie in theaters, Tweet your review with the #JPMN hashtag.
Next week we'll be reviewing three brand new releases, "Mad Max: Fury Road", "Pitch Perfect
2", and "Tomorrowland".
If you've seen these films, share your opinions by voting in the polls below, or by leaving
a comment review - I read them all, and will include the best in the next episode.
If you'd like to watch more Movie Night videos, check out the "related reviews" on the right,
or SUBSCRIBE if you'd like to see more of this show in the future.
Also be sure to follow me on social media for updates and exclusive content between
episodes.
Once again, my name is Jonathan Paula, thank you for watching and listening.
Until next time, have a good Movie Night!