Denial
Hello there.
A coping mechanism is an adaptation that we make,
which enables us to deal with a difficult environmental stressor.
Something that we feel like we can't change
and can't eliminate.
Obviously this adaptation makes us feel like we have control
over the way we feel and over our experience.
One could argue that some of these mechanisms
enable us to feel good
and it is good for us.
Whereas other ways that we design to feel good,
of coping mechanisms,
may be a detriment to us.
We can grasp this concept because looking at this definition
we can see that drowning ourselves in alcohol
is a coping mechanism that many people use
to deal with the distress of their jobs.
It is easy to see that this coping mechanism
harms not only the drinker, but the people around them.
We can also see that using a coping mechanism
like changing the meaning you've added to a painful experience,
that is out of your control,
can potentially greatly benefit the person who's in pain
and even potentially people around them.
So what we have to look at is,
potentially, the very coping mechanism that you think is benefiting you,
is in fact harming you and you just didn't see it.
Denial is a coping mechanism
that is damaging and especially pervasive
in the spiritual and self-help community.
Denial is refusing to accept or admit
to the truth of the reality of something unpleasant.
An example of this,
is a person who has been left by their spouse,
but who continues to think and say and act
as if they're just on vacation.
I cannot tell you how pervasive denial is.
It essentially sets in when we feel like we cannot accept,
cannot change, cannot eliminate, something painful
and yet we're desperate to get out of pain,
and so we just deny the pain.
But it is a powerfully unconscious state of being.
Because to slip into denial,
a person has to stop seeing,
feeling and hearing any proof to contradict it.
At some level they have to go into a bubble
so as to not be reached by the world.
Now you might be sitting here
thinking that denial is a good tool.
After all, in the law of attraction based universe,
anything you focus on you get more of.
So obviously,
stop focusing on anything negative.
Focus on something positive.
So if that's the case,
then Denial is a good thing, right?
Because you just look at what's positive,
you don't even look at what's negative
and then you attract all positive right? Wrong!
Why? Because denial in and of itself is a state of resistance.
It is state of suppression.
It is pushing against what is unwanted.
It is a refusal to accept something.
It is a war with what is.
And whatever we resist persists.
Denial doesn't work,
because unless you know where you are
and where you want to be,
you can't actually chart the distance
between point A and point B.
You can't actually figure out
how to get from point A to point B.
You can't resolve anything.
For the sake of understanding the difference between
genuine manifestation and denial / depression,
let's think of this analogy:
Let's imagine that you get in an airplane,
and you fly across an ocean,
but halfway across that ocean,
a little light comes on,
that indicates that your oil is low.
Now instead of doing something about it,
you go into denial, because you can't handle the fact
that that's happening to you mid-flight.
So you take a piece of duct tape out,
you put it right over that little light and you just forget it's there.
How good is that gonna do you?
Now, denial is not just about denying that there is a problem.
Some people who cope with denial
see there's the problem,
but their denial comes in the form of minimizing
the impact it has on our lives,
excusing it, forgetting it
or rationalizing it.
Now given the previous example,
it's easy to see how we can deny something physical.
But guess what?
It's 10 times easier
to deny something non-physical.
Something like thoughts or emotions.
And I'm going to tell you that the number one thing
that we are in denial of,
is emotions.
We are after all, in the emotion dark-age.
We do not want to accept the reality of our own emotion.
We don't want to accept the reality of other people's emotions.
As a result, we're constantly at war with ourselves
and with each other.
To understand fully about how to deal with emotions,
I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled:
The Emotional Wake Up Call
But let's talk about the effect of denial in relationships.
We can easily start in childhood,
because most patterns begin there.
Let's take a look at a parent who
can't deal with the negative emotions
that they themselves feel,
when their child is in a state of distress.
They don't know how to resolve it,
they don't know what to do about it.
So what do they do? They go into denial.
They deny the child's emotions.
They refuse to accept them as true or valid.
They minimize, invalidate, refuse to acknowledge
or disconnect and withdraw from the child.
The child is not able to be seen,
heard, felt or understood by the parent.
The child becomes so desperate for their pain be seen and acknowledged,
they may develop disorders to show that pain physically,
in a way the parent cannot deny.
For example, I have never met a teenage cutter
who does not have at least one primary caregiver
who copes via the mechanism of denial.
Denial in a relationship
makes the relationship itself impossible.
Why?
Because denial denotes that two people
are on entirely different pages,
in entirely different realities.
It would be like trying to have a relationship
with someone who is on Mars.
But not actually succeeding at communicating with that person.
Now, the sucky part is that the person who's in denial
is usually not in a space
where they're in a lot of pain about being in a different reality
from their partner.
It's the person who's in pain,
that's in hell.
Why? Because the most painful thing you can experience
is not the pain of the actual experience,
the most painful thing you can experience
is being alone with your pain.
Pain requires presence.
Denial is the opposite of presence.
To really help someone with their pain,
it has to be acknowledged, seen
and seen as valid
and understood.
Otherwise all the helpful actions
you take are really helpful.
They're simply attempted to trump the person's painful reality
with your happy reality.
It is essentially a war between perspectives.
Many people who use the coping mechanism of denial
cannot understand why it is
that nothing they do for somebody is enough.
Or why no matter what they do
people still seem upset at them.
The reason is,
is that they can't get out of their denial
enough to get into someone else's perspective.
Enough to see what actually
the person needs.
People who cope with denial
run into big difficulties in relationships
and often cannot keep them long term
unless they are in a relationship with someone else
who also copes with denial,
because by virtue of being in denial,
they're inherently antagonistic.
They fight with other people's unpleasant realities.
Their mentality is,
you are wrong about your reality
or about how you think or feel.
Their mentality is:
"I don't see you or feel you
or hear you or understand you because it's too painful
for me to do those things."
The underlying message is:
"I cannot accommodate your reality into my reality
and feel good at the same time,
so I'm going to choose to leave you alone in your pain
so I can feel okay."
But lurking in the shadows,
beneath the psyche of the person
who is in a state of denial,
is this tender little voice that says:
"You're lying to yourself."
Now here's the thing,
if you consider yourself a spiritual person, beware!
Because I cannot tell you how many spiritual tools
can be used to fuel denial,
instead of awakening.
This is the very reason
that I did the episodes that I called:
Spiritual Bypassing
Feel free to go look at that on YouTube if you want to.
For example,
positive focus
can be a tool that we use to fuel denial.
To understand more about that one,
you can watch my video on YouTube titled:
The Next Step in The Game
"You can create your own reality
by virtue of what you put your attention on",
can be used to fuel denial.
"No one else can hurt you,
because if you feel hurt,
it's because you let someone hurt you",
can be used to fuel denial.
Changing the meaning behind an experience
can be used to fuel denial.
And the list just goes on and on.
At the end of the day,
the bottom of the line is,
that we came here so as to expand.
Expansion is about becoming conscious.
And so, obviously, if you're in a state of denial,
you are completely unconscious of something.
Awakening is all about expanded awareness.
It is the ability to hold space within your consciousness
for all truth.
It is not the controlled focus
on what you want to have be true.
And here's the thing,
any methodology that you are using to fuel denial
is by definition an enemy
to awakening, to awareness and to enlightenment.
For your sake,
there are a few, let's call them, warning signs
that you can see
which will alert you to the fact that
you're in denial.
You can't get on the same page with a person in your life,
no matter how hard you try.
People around you escalate
because they think you aren't hearing or seeing
what is being communicated.
You're really confused in your relationship
about what is happening.
You have a pattern of controlling things
and they obsessing over what you can't control,
while ignoring minimizing or not even prioritizing
things that really do need to change.
You like to come to people with answers
about how to fix and solve themselves into happy people,
instead of being present with them
and asking questions in curiosity
because you want to completely comprehend their world.
You judge other people for their negativity,
especially their inability, or as you see it,
unwillingness to get out of negative states.
If your reaction to conflict or problems
is to immediately blame someone else...
If you have an excuse for everything.
If you're overly confident,
especially in situations where all signs point to demise.
If you feel ganged up on,
like everyone else has made you the enemy or is against you
and people who are supposed to be your friends and family
are against your point of view.
If your philosophy is:
"If you want something done right, do it yourself."
If the bad moments are erased by good moments,
no matter how few and far between they are.
If relationships seem to go bad fast
and with no warning.
If people around you seem like they are consistently overreacting.
If you have an attitude towards negative emotions
and negative thoughts that say: "This isn't useful,
it serves no purpose, it only brings harm."
If you daydream about things being different than they are.
If you are entirely focused on the potential good outcome
and not on the potential pitfalls
or on what is occurring now.
If you don't want to burden other people with your problems.
If you realize that you simply don't have certain emotions
or have found strategies not feel them,
the second they come up.
If you're an obsessive problem solver
and you rush into finding solutions.
If you feel like talking about problems for too long
is a waste of time and counterproductive.
And most of all,
if you live according to the philosophy
that you are simply selective
about the reality that you will accept.
So what should you do,
if you want to come out of denial?
Step 1. You have to ask yourself:
"Am I willing to feel?"
At the heart of denial
is a complete unwillingness to feel unpleasant emotions.
Anything that's unpleasant,
you're not going to acknowledge.
So how do you heal from it?
Do the opposite.
The reason you use the coping mechanism of denial
is because you do not want to feel
your own negative emotion or your own pain.
And the reality is, until the day you can honestly answer:
"Yes, I want to feel it", to this question
you will struggle with denial.
Take a look at why
you are so afraid to feel a negative emotion.
Take a look at where that started.
2. Take a look at your life,
especially your past,
in terms of the difficult situations that you found yourself in,
and ask yourself in those situations:
"How was I in denial?"
"And if I came out of that denial,
what would I have done differently?"
You've got to start to see the damage
that denial has done in your life,
to have a desire to change it.
Step 3.
If you cope with denial,
be brave enough to invite other people
to tell you how they think you are in denial.
Make sure these are trusted people.
But I don't want you to ask them verbally.
I want you to ask them to give you a list
of how they think you're in denial.
And then sit down with that list,
but sit down and go over these items,
first watching the resistance you have to that.
And second, really trying to take it in
as if: "Let's be curious about this actually being true."
In other words,
how might they be right?
Instead of defending yourself
against how they're wrong.
4. If denial is one of your coping mechanisms,
then you can guarantee
that you've been denying yourself for years.
This is a self abusive relationship
you've develop with yourself.
Therefore, you've got to stop denying yourself.
That starts with:
"Stop denying your needs."
People who are in denial
have an incredibly difficult time
owning up to their own authenticity,
an incredibly hard time with boundaries,
an incredibly hard time talking to people
about what they actually want and actually need.
So I encourage you to get really clear
about what your needs and desires are.
If you need help in that department,
watch my video on YouTube titled:
Meet Your Needs
Step 5. Ask yourself:
What am I really afraid
that I'm actually in denial about?
Make a list.
Denial runs super deep.
But oftentimes, it doesn't run deep enough
to completely suppress the voice underneath it saying:
"This is the reality."
Then with each item that you wrote down
on this list of things you're afraid you were actually in denial about,
I want you to ask yourself:
"If I weren't in denial about this thing,
and if that little voice underneath the denial
we're telling me the unpleasant reality
that actually exists underneath this circumstance,
what would that little voice be telling me?
When you write that down,
I want you to see if you can accept it.
6. reach out to someone who you trust
with those painful realities
that you have just written down.
The desire to isolate
and not let anyone in on things
that you yourself don't want to admit to is strong,
but it counter productive.
After they are fully present with the painful reality,
solicit their help to focus on an actual solution
to what you now see as the actual reality.
7. Recognize that shame is literally
the heart of denial.
If we are in denial,
we cannot admit to things
because it causes us to feel shame.
We can't admit it to ourselves,
and we can't admit it to other people,
because the way they would see us would make us feel shame.
So this means
that we have to be willing to feel shame,
to recognize shame within our being.
Shame is the emotion that you are trying to escape from
through denial, at all costs.
Because this is the case,
first you have to really let yourself feel the shame.
Because your unwillingness to do so
is what's keeping you trapped in denial,
then I suggest you watch my video on YouTube titled:
How to Overcome Shame
8.
Feel your body when you tense up
and you get defensive.
Your defense mechanism is denial,
so chances are when you feel yourself tense up
in that stage of defense,
you're going into denial.
When this happens,
I want you to close your eyes and ask yourself:
"How do I feel ashamed?"
"What do I really feel ashamed of?"
That is what you want to communicate about.
Now, this shame is the doorway
that you can go through to get through denial.
Now I want you to communicate this
to the people in your lives as well.
You can say to them:
"Look, I have a real issue with shame."
"Like a huge issue a shame."
So when you communicate things to me,
if you communicate it in a way that makes me "the bad guy"
or "the one that's super super wrong"
try to communicate it in a way that doesn't
threaten me so much."
"Because what I will immediately do is to go into denial."
Because you as a person who goes into denial,
what you really need to do to resolve something
is to open up and accept someone's reality.
Not go into denial about it.
So that's the part they can play,
by communicating softer
and that's the roll that you can play.
By really looking at the shame that's underneath this defense mechanism.
9. Recognizes that even though
you as a person that goes into denial loves control,
by going into denial you actually relinquish
all control you have.
Why? Because if you're unwilling to recognize
what is actually occurring,
You have no chance whatsoever to do anything about it.
And so what happens?
It will naturally take its course,
with or without your consent.
Step 10. Watch my video on YouTube titled:
How to Let Go of a Coping Mechanism
and apply this tactic
that I give in that video,
specifically to denial.
Be brave enough to face your life.
Realizing that you have been in denial
and then using the acceptance of the painful truth you were denying
to actually take inspired action,
is the key to a deliberately created life.
You will be amazed at how effective
the things you do from that set point are to create
genuine and lasting improvements.
By coming out of denial,
you will be blown away at how good your relationship
with yourself can be.
How amazing the life you can create can be.
And especially, how great your relationships can be.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com
Subtitles by the Amara.org community