This is Boundaries with an Alcoholic Spouse part two now if you haven't watched part one
I suggest you go back and do that first because one always comes before two I'm
Going to link it right up here you can watch that one and then come back to this one but
if you've already watched it and you're here for the answers Then you're in luck because
we're Going to go over all of those boundaries examples alright under the drunk driving category
we had four boundaries to explore the first one was I'm not going to allow you to drive
our kids if I think you've been drinking this is actually a pretty appropriate boundary I'm
Going to give you a big clue here a good boundary usually starts with I and this one starts with I
so it's not telling the other person what they will and won't do it's saying what you will and
won't do now a special note about this boundary I do think that this is a appropriate reasonable
healthy boundary and it's communicated in an appropriate way but I do want you to ask
yourself how are you Going to hold that boundary because that's the other key it's not just what
boundary am I setting but how am I going to enforce that boundary so make sure you've
thought about that before you set this type of boundary the second drunk driving boundary was
you're not Going to leave this house and drive our car when you've been drinking
this is actually not an appropriate boundary no it may be good judgment and wise thinking
but as far as boundaries go this is not an appropriate boundary because in this example
you are telling someone else what they can and cannot do which means you're on their side of
the street remember boundaries are for you you can build a fence around your backyard
you cannot build a fence around someone else's back number three I will no longer be providing
insurance for your car under my name if I think that you're likely to drive intoxicated that is
actually an okay boundary because that has to do with you and what you will and won't do so
that one is a perfectly fine healthy boundary number four please do not drive home drunk it
makes me very nervous I'm constantly worried you're Going to hurt yourself
or someone else please call me instead this is not a boundary this is actually an ask or
a request of someone else remember boundary is about what you will or won't do this is
just simply an ask and there are actually a few inherent problems with this ask number
the person may not be very likely to call you because they don't wanna admit that they've been
drinking another reason why they may not want to call you is because they just don't realize
how drunk they are and number three really want you to think this through because if a person
drinks all the time and they do start calling you like a lot late when it's inconvenient
you're likely to build a resentment about now I'm not saying that it's never okay
for you to go pick someone up I'm totally okay with that I just want you to think
it through all right let's move on to our money boundaries because those are always interesting
the first one was you're not Going to waste any more of my money buying your alcohol
that one is not an appropriate boundary because again you are telling someone else what they are
and aren't Going to do and I know you might be thinking you're just talking about your
money and there may be a better way to verbalize this it's not that you can't
decide that you are no longer going to pay for someone's alcohol but what you can't do is tell
them what they are and are not Going to do so that one's a little tricky and sometimes
it really is in the wording a better way to say that might be to say something I will
no longer be picking up alcohol when I go out and buy our groceries number two example was I
will continue to pay your car payment as long as you're going to three AA meetings a week
now that one sounds good on the surface because it's what you will and won't do
and it gives them some responsibility of going to three meetings a week but to be honest I
don't really think that's a great boundary because it has some inherent issues with it
first and foremost now you Got to figure out if they're really going to three meetings or not
so you Got to spend a lot of time chasing and investigating and verifying which is Going to
put you back in that control position and you really don't wanna be there and secondly
even if they are going to three meetings a week what you're trying to do there is you're trying
to force recovery which isn't really possible sometimes you can force compliance with a rule
like this but you can't force the third money boundary was I will no longer be covering your
car payment that is actually perfectly healthy appropriate boundary but be careful do not follow
it up with anything like because you're a drunken loser because I pay for everything else around
this house because I'm sick of supporting you when you throw in those digs on the back end you
take the healthy out of the healthy number four you have to have a job if you wanna
keep living in this house now I know you're thinking that seems reasonable and it's not
so much that it's completely unreasonable but it's not a good way to set a boundary
and the first clue to that is because it starts with you and remember if you're starting something
with you you're probably not in the healthy boundary zone plus if this is your spouse it can
get pretty complicated because you may have to go through some serious like legal hoops in order to
enforce not allowing them to live in the house so you really Got to think this through plus
even if you set this boundary and they were like compliant with it I don't really think
it's Going to get you the result that you want because what you really want is you're trying
to make them be responsible for themselves and contribute to the finances or something like that
and just having a job doesn't necessarily mean that will or won't happen all right
let's move on to household responsibilities Number one from now on you're responsible for
washing your own clothes I'm tired of messing with your stuff it just smells like alcohol
and to be honest it makes me sick to my stomach that one is probably not a great boundary to set
because again you're telling them what they are and aren't Going to do they are going to
be responsible and you can't really enforce that number one so that makes it not great
boundary and number two you're throwing in a lot of digs in there which is really just Going to
trigger up a big fight in argument or defense or acting out on some kind of level it's not
that it's not okay to set a boundary about washing someone else's laundry it is let's
take a look at another way to set that boundary option number two was smelling alcohol on your
clothes is a real trigger for me and when I get triggered I take it out on everyone else
so from now on I will not be doing your laundry is a boundary that is appropriate now they may
let their laundry sit there forever they may run out of laundry but you can't force them
to be responsible all you can do is decide what you will and won't be responsible for so number
two is an example of a healthy boundary number three example under the household
responsibilities was I will no longer clean up your dishes from your late night
drinking and cooking episodes is actually an appropriate boundary it's about you and not
about them it's not telling them you can't get up and cook late at night because you
make a big old mess and I'm sick of it that's not a healthy boundary because
that's bossing somebody else remember you Got to stay in your own lane now number
four example was you need to be responsible for your own messes that is actually not a
boundary because it's telling someone else what to do or not to do that's actually a suggestion
I'm Going to suggest that you be responsible for your own messes now I know these boundaries can be
complicated and sometimes it's semantics and it's figuring out your side of the street and their
side of the street if you wanna know more about keeping healthy boundaries with an alcoholic or
addict spouse click the link in the description and it's Going to take you to a real quiz or
test about your boundaries so you can really see where you fall on the scale and maybe where your
boundaries could be improved just a little