- So are we looking at the camera?
- [Woman] "Just See Where It Goes, They Said."
And you just...
So wait, what are you...
This isn't...
Yes, everyone wants to see you but I'm part of this too.
(Alicia laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Welcome to Mended Light, I'm Alicia Decker, CEO.
- And I'm Jonathan Decker, badge bunny.
(Jonathan and Alicia laugh)
Except for instead of cops I go for CEO's,
I follow them everywhere, I'm such a groupie.
I'm a licensed therapist, co-founder of Mended Light,
and today this is (buzz) therapists say.
Things that therapists have said that make you go
mh, that might not be the best advice ever.
What are we dealing with today?
- You Are Giving The Wrong Signals, They Said.
- So, I'm assuming this is in the context
of someone talking to a therapist,
and I am attracting the wrong people romantically.
I'm attracting not the people that I want,
I'm getting all the wrong ones, right?
And the therapist says your sending the wrong signals.
It's a little blamey.
Do you think that's true?
Do you think it's on any one of us
who we attract and bring into our lives?
- Well, I don't think you can put
just a blanket rule down like that, right?
If there's a dynamic where I like to wear
very revealing clothing,
and I like to go to the bar on the weekends, right,
and I drink heavily.
And all the guys that I meet
are just interested in having a sexual relationship,
but aren't interested in a long-term relationship.
Maybe I'm not going to the right places.
- Right.
- For the type of relationship I want.
I'm not saying that's the wrong place to go.
- No, but if I want to have casual sexual relationships,
that's probably the course I should be taking.
- Right.
- Right?
- And if I'm not looking for casual sexual relationships,
where am I gonna find those?
- Right. Well, 'cause you don't find trout
in a pond that's full of salmon, right?
You gotta go to the right pool.
So this really comes down to...
There's several aspects of this.
One is the shaming culture of where we hold
particularly women accountable
for the thoughts and feelings of men.
Where women want to dress a certain way,
and everyone says, well, but she can't go out
looking like...
It's a typical mom thing.
You can't go out looking like that,
you look like a hoe, right (laughs) .
- Whoa, whoa! That was just nuts.
- I'm not saying it, your mom is (laughs) .
And it's a double standard
'cause you don't really get that with guys.
- Right.
- Oh, that shirt's too tight,
they're gonna think you're not the type of guy that you are.
- So, culturally there can be dynamics
where women are made to feel responsible
for the actions and behaviors of men.
- Right.
- But there's never a dynamic where men are responsible
for the actions and behaviors of women.
- And that's unfortunate because the fact is
we are all responsible for ourselves, right.
And if we have this boys will be boys mentality,
when we get really quickly into victim blaming,
we're talking about sexual assault and stuff,
but also just in dating.
But it's a curious dynamic
because when a woman keeps dating men
that aren't a good fit for her,
we talk about well, all the good men are taken, right.
But, sometimes we also blame the woman.
And with men it's the same thing.
Well, actually, what is it with men?
- What is it with men?
- Yeah, do we say all the good women are taken?
Or you're not trying hard enough?
- I have no idea.
- But that speaks volumes
because we always look to the women.
- Right. - Right?
- So it's the women's responsibility
to do something different, to be different, to change.
- Right. And so, which is interesting
because on the one hand, men and women, we are responsible
for the vibes that we're putting out.
- Right.
- The fact is the way you're dressed today
sends a completely different message,
than when we go country dancing
and you're wearing your cowgirl hat and your Wranglers.
- Right. - Right?
Just the way I show up at the gym
when I have my bedhead and baggy basketball shorts
compared to this where I've shaved for the day
and you know.
The way we show up sends out a specific message.
I once heard of a woman who was a life coach,
and she was known for being a really bad-ass.
She was really tough as nails,
and she would kick people's butts.
And she got a reputation for being really, really tough
on her clients.
And she didn't want to be known as quote-unquote, a bitch,
which is another gender label because tough men are-
- That's the way they should be.
- They're leaders.
- Yeah, you're a leader.
If you're a man you're a leader,
if you're a woman you're a bitch and it's unfortunate.
But she didn't want that label
so she's like, I'm gonna dress in pastels and in pinks
and I'm gonna show up and just to-
- Soften my personality.
- To soften my appearance and to give the impression
that you can trust me,
and that my intentions are warm and good, because they were.
Completely backfired on her.
Because people saw her and said,
"Oh, here's someone who's nurturing,
here's a life coach who's nurturing,
and who's warm and affectionate."
And so they signed up for her to be their life coach,
and then they got a completely different experience.
Whereas the people who wanted someone
who would kick their butt,
didn't choose her because she didn't look the part.
- Yeah.
- Right? And so, while I don't think we are responsible
for creating sensations in other people
or what they do with those feelings.
We're not responsible for other people,
we are responsible for what signals are we putting out.
- Right.
- Right?
- And an example of not putting out those mixed signals
or asking yourself, okay, is the result that I'm getting
what I want?
Is this working for me?
Is there something I need to do on my end differently?
- 'Cause there are people who don't want
serious committed relationships.
For various reasons they want casual relationships.
And so, dressing in a revealing fashion
and going to bars a lot-
- If it's working for you.
- Right, if it's working for you.
But the original statement was
you're sending out the wrong signals.
And it's not just about dress.
- And it's worthwhile to know
if you have a dynamic that's not working for you, right,
and you've done the self-evaluation process first,
is there things that I need to change on my end?
It's worthwhile to know
not everybody is who they appear to be, right?
- Yeah.
- Not everybody is honest,
not everybody is forthcoming, right?
And so looking for that,
I've had many experiences in my relationships
where I'm very clear about what I want.
The way I portray myself matches very well
with what I want out of life.
- Yeah.
- And I've had experiences where a person portrays
to be something they're not because they're like,
oh, your what I'm looking for.
But I'm not your match,
so I'm going to pretend to be your match (chuckles) .
- I'm gonna chameleon the situation, yeah.
- Right, right. And so I've learned some very hard lessons
about making sure that behavior matches words, right?
- Yeah.
- Actions match what's being said.
Because people can say a lot of things,
but their behaviors and their actions
if you pay attention to them will not line up.
And so, to this person that was told,
well, you're sending the wrong signals,
that may be, that's worth looking at, right?
Take that individual accountability
but also look for integrity in the other individual.
And look at a match between what's being said,
and what's actually being done.
And if the behaviors don't match up,
that would definitely be a red flag, or lots of red flags.
- There's a line in the movie "Rocky Balboa,"
where a father is talking to his son
and he's talking about career and he says,
"If you know what you're worth,
go and get what you're worth."
But that's also true in dating.
That we may think I deserve someone great
because I can be a great partner,
and yet we keep attracting people who mistreat us.
And to some extent, we get that because we accept it.
On some level we believe that's what we deserve,
otherwise we wouldn't put up with it.
And, knowing what you're worth,
knowing I can show up and be an amazing partner
for somebody, and I would rather be alone for a while
than be with someone who mistreats me,
or someone who doesn't show up for me
the way I show up for them,
is a powerful way to live your life.
And it requires that you are willing to say no sometimes.
It requires that you're willing to be alone sometimes.
Because if you're being the type of person
you want to attract,
others aren't gonna really be able to abide it.
They're not gonna be able to hang with the big dog
so to speak.
I feel like in our case,
I've had to elevate who I am to keep up with you.
But that's been a really great thing for me personally
on a personal level, because you inspire the best out of me.
There's no faking, right?
You know you've always been a very strong person
who knows what you're worth
and what you will and won't tolerate.
In your case, at least since I've known you
you've known what you're worth.
And you've known what you will and won't tolerate, right?
And how you deserve to be treated.
And, that is a case of
if you're putting out the right signals,
you're saying this is how I'm gonna show up for you,
I need someone who can show it for me this way otherwise-
- It's not a long-term fit.
- Yeah.
- Otherwise we're just friends.
- Aaaaw! (Jonathan laughs)
- I will say one of the most important things
is being the type of person that you want to attract.
I once had a person in my therapy office who says,
"My friends say I'm never going to get married
because my standards are too high."
And I'm like, "Well, what do you mean your standards?"
And he's like, "Well, I just have high expectations
for the person that I'm with."
And I said, "Well, tell me."
And he says, "Tell you what,
next time I'll bring you a list."
- Oh a list, I love this.
- So he brought me a list
of everything that he's looking for.
He's looking for someone who is physically fit,
and also enjoys video gaming and junk food.
Somebody who is career oriented, and academic oriented,
and also wants to be a homemaker and have a family.
That he wants somebody who's kind and caring
but can be tough when necessary.
Someone who's a churchgoer but also highly sexual.
He just went through all these things that he wanted.
And-
- So does Mary Poppins play video games?
- Right (chuckles) , it's Mary Poppins meets Wonder Woman
was what he described. - Okay, okay.
- And I looked at him and I said, "Okay."
And this is a guy who was failing school,
didn't have a job, spent most of his time gaming,
and wasn't in very good shape.
- Okay.
- And I took his list and I said,
"Can I see that for a second?"
I said, "This woman right here,
what does her list look like?"
And he looked like I just hit him with ice water
which was funny that he'd never considered that.
And I told him, "If you want this woman if she exists,
you're gonna have to be this person yourself."
- Right.
- And I said, "So you've either gotta change your standards
to find someone who's more like you
and accept and love each other,
or you've gotta up your game."
And he kinda did both.
The fact is, that woman,
I don't think he could ever find her.
- What?
- But he did up his game.
You're pretty close to Wonder Woman meets Mary Poppins
but you don't play video games, so (laughs) .
(Alicia laughs)
But you need to be the type of person
that you want to attract. - Right.
- And then not settle for less.
- Right.
- And the not settling for less thing
is what's hard for a lot of people
because they don't wanna be alone.
And so they are oftentimes like, "Well, I want somebody,
this person will have me, so maybe I can fix them up."
- Yeah.
- And that's not really gonna work.
People have to want to change themselves,
it can't be imposed from outside.
- If you've enjoyed this episode, and you have,
check out our video, "Just See Where It Goes, They Said."
- Let's just play it by ear.
If you are needing assistance with your dating life,
your love life, or just your mental health and wellness,
schedule a free 15-minute consultation
with a member of our team, link is in the description.
As always like, subscribe, click the bell.
If you don't tick the bell, you don't get all the videos,
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and you don't want that.
Just trust Aerosmith on this one.
So until next time, keep shining, we need your light.
(upbeat music)
♪ I don't wanna close my eyes ♪
♪ I don't wanna fall asleep ♪
♪ 'Cause I'd miss you ♪
Oh gosh, I needed some water before I tried Steven Tyler.
♪ 'Cause even when I dream of you ♪
(Alicia and Jonathan chuckle)