- [Narrator] You're in a relationship? Congrats!
Or maybe you wanna be in one? We get it.
Having a partner in crime is great.
You know what else is great about relationships?
Having someone to be there for you,
someone to lean on, someone to depend on.
This dependency can take different forms,
from a phase in the forming up of a relationship,
to an equal give and take.
And sometimes it blasts right by the tipping point,
and goes straight to Toxicville.
We know you wanna stay out of the red zone.
So let's look at some different kinds of love,
or should I say dependencies,
to help you map out where you wanna go,
and what you want to avoid or get out of.
Number one, dependency.
Think of someone you know.
If you ask them, "Who are you?"
What would they say?
If their life in terms of decision-making
can be described as,
ask someone where to go and what to do,
and they're constantly clinging to others to lead,
they might be a dependent person
that creates dependent relationships.
Having a dependent relationship,
if it's a parent and child situation, is normal,
as the very definition
of child involves them not being fully developed.
This immature development creates a necessity for dependence
in order to learn.
The problems arise when the learning doesn't take,
and the dependency persists,
even when their chronologically, physiologically adults.
Because the dependent person has little self-agency,
they tend to latch
onto healthy and solid presenting individuals,
believing them to be able to take care of things.
The dependent person basically becomes a barnacle.
Yeah, we know. Not exactly sexy.
Unfortunately, this dependent behavior,
when prolonged and intensified,
grows increasingly unstable.
The solid rock of the relationship
eventually feels suffocated and controlled,
ending the relationship so they can breathe.
If, somehow, two dependent types get together,
that relationship disintegrates even faster,
as neither can create even temporary stability.
By the way, this barnacle behavior can manifest
in all types of relationships,
not just the romantic kind.
Number two, codependency.
This isn't the relationship between two dependents.
This is an abusive relationship
of a vampire and their victim,
or maybe a narcissist and their supply.
The narcissist believes they're always right,
and have all the answers.
And the dependent is all too ready to believe that.
To the narcissist, having the dependent ask,
"What do I do?" is like feeding them candy,
because now they've been handed the game pad,
and can play the dependent like a penny arcade machine.
Codependent relationships are known
for the unhealthy imbalance,
whereof the controlling abuser
and the people-pleasing other person
following and feeding into it.
Even if the other person isn't a raging narcissist,
if one party depends on the other's treatment
to form the entirety of their happiness and satisfaction,
this is also a form of codependency.
An imbalance like this means an inevitable fall into abuse,
whether that be physical, mental, emotional, or financial.
The weak link that opens the doors to this is,
again, a lack of individual self-confidence
and awareness that you are the only one
who has the true power and right to decide who you are.
Number three, independency.
Independent is good.
Let's get that straight first and foremost.
Independent means you take responsibility
for your own actions,
and know yourself, so you can trust your decisions.
You can be happy and reach out to learn,
make mistakes, and grow.
You'll get something out of it. Always.
Yet, yes, we're gonna say it again.
Balance.
You actually can have too much independence,
often because the independence has been gained
from an unhealthy source,
like trauma, or being frequently hurt by others.
Independence at the extreme means pushing people away,
because not only do you trust yourself,
you trust only yourself, and no one else.
This I'm an island and no one may land here attitude leads
to being overworked, overloaded,
and overtaxed in every single aspect of your life,
since you won't allow anyone else to help.
In a relationship, any relationship,
this is like flipping the bird to the other person, saying,
"I don't need you, and I don't trust you."
The other person gets the message.
They aren't important to you,
and you don't even want them there.
There is no other way
for this to end than a crash and burn,
the epicness of which is dependent
on how aggressive the independence is.
What remains is a lonely, self-centered individual,
thriving and driving for themselves, and themselves alone.
Even this is pursuing an impossible goal,
since we can't do everything ourselves,
as much as we try to.
Humans, as a species, require at least some social cohesion
and interaction in order to thrive.
We do not advance or benefit from rejecting the expertise
of others in favor of feeding our own pride.
Number four, interdependency.
Finally, a dependency type that's good.
You know why?
It's because it's defined on a basis of balance,
the light and the dark, the push and the pull,
the ebb and the flow, all resulting in harmony.
You and your friend or partner acknowledge
and value the emotional bond you share,
while still being whole and solid yourselves.
The fundamental factor for the creation
of interdependence is you and the other person having
a strong sense of self, basically, know thyself.
Be confident and steadfast with your boundaries.
Understand clearly what you like and dislike.
Know what you want and why you want it.
Value yourself for being you, while also inviting knowledge,
and recognizing the value others have.
When the other person in the relationship does the same,
the interactions encourage growth, learning,
and strengthening of the bond.
To recognize interdependency,
look for characteristics like healthy boundaries,
active listening, time for personal interests,
and taking personal responsibility for behaviors,
along with being open and approachable with each other.
Dependency is a must in small doses due to our need,
as humans, to socially interact.
You can only talk to yourself for so long, after all.
As we pursue and participate in any activity,
however, we must always be aware of balance,
lest things go awry, and make what was once an opportunity
for learning into a source of bad ju-ju.
Do you relate to any of the points mentioned above?
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So thank you and catch you next time.